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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gerber Follow Up

I received this reply from the Customer Service Department at Gerber.  John Boy please leave the information she is requesting so we can get this situation resolved.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My First Customer

A few days ago I posted a blog about writing angry business letters and requested that if anyone or any company has wronged you to let me know and I would send Danny Copeland on the case.  A received this request from John Boy:
"I've got one for you Mr. Hammer. I have an exceptionally nice pocket knife manufactured by Gerber. It has been very useful to me but after about 6 months of having it the clip came loose. It is pretty sorry engineering the way they designed it because it is only attached by 3 tiny screws that can only be tightened by an allen wrench of a size that cannot be found anywhere outside of the Gerber factory (about the size of a flea's ball hair). I sent my first one back to the company and they happily sent me a brand spankin' new one, in the box. Sweet deal because this is not a cheap blade. Well, about 5-6 months later the exact same thing happened again. Now, it was quite a hassle typing a letter and getting to the P.O. to send off the first one. Not to mention the cost of shipping and insuring the thing. I really don't want to go through the trouble again but I want a functionable knife. I wear it clipped on my back pocket so it has to have an adequate clip. Please have Danny reprimand them with the strong tongue that we all know he possesses. Below is an email address to send it to and link to said blade."
Here is the letter that Danny sent to the Gerber Company...Angry Letter To Gerber

Friday, December 10, 2010

A Real American Hero

My friend Randy, who I have previously referred to as the Godfather of the Southeastern wave of Four Loko consumption, has once again raised the 'effin bar and continues to set the tone.  Driven by panic and fear due to the recent threats of Four Loko being pulled from the shelves, Randy was able to do a couple favors for a local convenient store owner (meaning HJ's and Buttsex) and was compensated with a giant case of Four Loko.  The pictures below depict just how dedicated to the cause Randy has become.  We need more soldiers like you out there in the field fighting the good fight. 

I especially like the fifth of Smirnoff tucked back in the corner being dwarfed by the almighty Four Loko.  I'm sure he will need that to chase down each sip of the watermelon flavored elixir. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Angry Business Letters from Danny Copeland

Today I will begin accepting request from my readers to construct angry, yet tasteful, business letters directed at either a company or person that has wronged you in some sort of way.  I will have my alias Danny Copeland write the letters and your identity will be kept anonymous. Below is an example of a previous letter. If you would like to have Danny Copeland make someone feel like a complete jackass please leave a comment below outlining your request and appropriate contact info.

Example of Angry Business Letter

Friday, December 3, 2010

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny introduces his class to their new P.E. Teacher...
Kenny Powers: And please, please, please don’t let the fact that Ms. Carol is a lesbian put you off to her. You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians? There’s the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are hot, and then there’s the mean kind? Well, Ms. Carol is neither of those.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Beiber Fever

I've mentioned the great Justin Beiber on here a couple of times but only as a comparison to how awesome something is.  This might be taking it a little far though? My God that is an exceptional head of hair... the way it waves around the side of his head all the way from the back is simply remarkable.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Plan B

The other day I have to make a last minute trip up to the local pharmacy to pick up some "Plan B" emergency contraceptive for my wife.  I normally leave that kind of shopping up to the wife but lets face it... it was time for me to step up.  I definitely don't need any little snot machines crawling around my house slobbering all over my Playstation or knocking over my beer cans.  Plan B it is... I  make that uncomfortable walk to the pharmacy counter and rapidly but quietly eject the words "Plan B" out of mouth while awkwardly avoiding eye contact.  "No problem," he says and walks in the back.  By the time he returned I had already reached into my wallet and pulled out a crisp $20 bill and was soooo ready to complete this transaction.  He scans the box and says, "Thatta be $44.89 please."  It took a second for this to register, I was certain this wasn't going to cost over $13.  The rest of our transaction went something like this...
Beasthammer:  "Forty-Four dollars?! Hot damn son, that some expensive sh*t."
Pharmacist:  "Yep, this stuff isn't cheap."
Beasthammer:  "No kidding! What comes in the box, a new uterus?"
Pharmacist:  "[giggle] Maybe you ought to stick to 'Plan A' from now on."
Beasthammer:  "Ok?"
I paid and that was that but I am still not quite sure what he meant by Plan A... I mean, that could be any number of things.  Your comments are welcome.  

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I’m going to be signing a personalized head shot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask, is that you have your name prepared. Because I don’t wanna have to ask the same question 30 f*cking times.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


The time is now sheeple... we must all come together, put aside our differences and unite.  As individuals we cannot accomplish what needs to be accomplished but as a team we can do the undreamable.  As one of my hero's Kenny Powers once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in c*nts so stop acting like little c*nts" and stockpile as much Four Loko as you can fit in your house.  Maybe even bury some in the ground.

The government is waging a war against young, smart and unbelievably attractive people such as yourself to stop you from being a consumer of Four Loko.  They want to tell me I can't get blackout drunk on Four Loko and piss myself but I'm allowed to buy a handle of tequila, pound it and expose myself in front of an elementary school lunch line. Hardly makes sense if you ask me.  4 or 5 states have already banned this drink and my guess is the rest will follow, except for maybe North Dakota and South Carolina, because... what else have they got, really? As your financial adviser and role model, I suggest that immediately following the reading of this article you invest heavily in Four Loko's publicly traded stock.  Ride the wave all the way to the bank baby because people are going to be buying this stuff up with the same reckless abandon as Justin Bieber CD's and wigs.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I have been blessed with many things in this life – an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Meaningless Texts

My friend Josh is a huge Dr. Dre fan and from time to time I like to direct a derogatory comment about Dr. Dre in his direction to see if I can fire him up.  Yesterday I was having a little down time so I decided to text him and see if he was up for a debate.  Yesterday's Match-up... Dr. Dre vs. Young Jeezy (I don't even like Young Jeezy that much by the way):
BeastHammer:  Young Jeezy would slay Doc Dre's buttpiece... Lyrically. He's a proletariat?
Josh:    Poet? And Doc Dre has people writing his lyrics because he's a boss... Grow up.
BeastHammer:  Jeezy is a trap-star.  Or trapster as you white people like to call it.  Dre is weak sauce and gay.
Josh:  Jeezy is like 90, riding anybody's d*ck he can to get a piece of the fame.  I'm sure he's hollerin at Dre trying to suck dat big ole black snake into submission.
BeastHammer:  The Snowman don't suck d*cks. He has people suck d*cks for him.
Josh:  What f*cking rapper calls himself the "snowman"? That sh*t just sounds soft as f*ck.  He should just call himself Marshmellow.
BeastHammer:  That's what I named my c*ck.  Jeezy is transcending the game.  Dre just does popcorn commercials.
Josh:  I thought you called your c*ck "chocolate thunder" cause its covered wit that doo doo baby! Anyways I'm over Dre it's Eminem nowadays.
BeastHammer:  Some fan you are.  I've stuck with Dre through the good and the bad.  We don't need fair weather fans like you anyways.
Josh:  F***************ccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk u
BeastHammer:  I will carry the flame
Josh:  You are the flame-r

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

 Life's lessons by Kenny Powers
Kenny Powers: "A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument."

Friday, November 5, 2010

Silent but Deadly

This past Monday night I was over at my friend Brent's house watching some football.  After a little while his Dad comes into the room and we all just sitting around bullsh*ting as usual when something must have sparked his Dad's memory prompting him to tell us an incredible tale. 

So the story goes that when he was a little bit younger him and some buddies were out camping, not because they are outdoors-men but because they wanted to get hammered drunk where there would be no witnesses and no rules.  I can only imagine the amount of Schlitz Malt Liquor and moonshine that was consumed that night.  The next morning Brent's Dad and a couple of them wake up feeling hungover and sick to their stomachs.  This is the point of the story where Brent's dad was faced with a crucial decision... does he go into the woods next to a tree and let nature take it's course or does he go over to his friend's tent while he is still sleeping, quietly unzip it and release some of the most deadliest flatulence ever recorded in history?  He wisely chooses option 2.  When finished, he zipped the tent door back up and him and his buddies stood there and waited for the show.

Minutes later they hear some rustling in the tent followed by the door trying to be unzipped with the kind of panic one only experiences during a gang rape.  Once he is finally free from the tent he hits the ground on his hands and knees and proceeds to vomit... over and over again... all while Brent's Dad and friends laughed their asses off.  I say, WELL DONE SIR.

Good Quote from The Departed

 ~ Alec Baldwin
"Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think, "At least somebody can stand the son of a bitch." Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work."

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Day Stick

As a high school summer job a couple of my friends and I worked for a swimming pool company and cleaned pools.  Also working there were a couple of middle aged guys that did all the maintenance repairs on the pumps and equipment.  You could just tell these two guys were lifers and they would always tell themselves little fairy tales of how they were going to become famous inventors and live the American dream.  They never really shared any of their inventions with us (probably because they thought we would steal their ideas) but there is one invention that I do remember hearing about...


THE DAY STICK.  The "day stick" was a device that was going to revolutionize the law enforcement industry.  This was going to be the greatest thing since the handcuff.  This idea they came up with based around one simple principle. It was going to be the opposite of the night stick.  Since a night stick was black, it was supposed to be used at night to camouflage with the dark night sky.  The day stick would be clear and it would be used... yep, you guessed it... during the day.  The unsuspecting criminals would never see it coming.  The cops could bludgeon people with stealth and precision thanks to this groundbreaking device.

This is a true story.  I can't make this stuff up.  The last I heard they were still trying to get their idea patented and still fixing pools.  Retarded.  

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

You catch my gal legs open betta smash that.
Don't be surprised if she ask where the cash at.
I see she wearing them jeans that show her butt crack.
My girls can't wear that. Why? That's where my stash at.
I put my mack down, that's where you lack at.
She needs her candle lit and I'ma wax that.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Self Promotion?

My friend Bill sent this email out this morning...
According to the CNN reporter, Four Loko is sweeping the nations college campuses.  I think when the reporter does a little digging, he or she will find that the only reason this drink has grown in popularity is because of the Beasthammer Blog.
This prompted me to contact the author of this story (Alan Duke) at CNN and let him know that I am personally responsible for the Four Loko movement taking the east coast by storm, not only because I am deeply concerned by this but because I needed to do some self promoting.  This was easier said then done because I couldn't find an email address for Alan Duke anywhere on the web but I finally found his Facebook page and sent him a message including all of my links about Four Loko.  I expect a response from him shortly...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Tribute to Four Loko

As much as it pains me to say it, I must admit that I'm getting the sense that readily available Four Loko may be moving towards extinction.  It seems like everyday there is a new headline in the news slandering Four Loko's good name.  Calling it "black out in a can," "meth in a can" and "Panamanian Punta Juice" are just some of the ridiculous names they use to put down this heavenly elixir.  

So what if weak ass college kids can't handle their booze.  How the hell is that my problem?  Those privileged kids with their skinny jeans and Justin Bieber  hair cuts either need to learn how to drink like adults or stop calling 911 when their pansy ass friends black out.  Four Loko is to be used as a supplement... of course you shouldn't drink 6 of them, that's not what they are for.  They are supposed to "supplement" your normal alcohol consumption not replace it.  Try using Four Loko as your go to pregame drink.  Then return to your beer and wine coolers for the 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th quarters. Perhaps use it as a quick pick-me-up during your lunch break. Most importantly though... DON"T BE A FAG.  Drink Four Loko responsibly and try not to ruin it for the rest of us.

Here are a few of the headlines as well as a montage of previous Four Loko post.

Friday, October 8, 2010

No Child Left Behind

My friend Elliot works for a company that goes around selling class rings and "what-nots" to schools.  With his love of "young women" this career path puts him in a compromising position... but, that's beside the point.
Yesterday he was in a school in South Carolina, just laying his mack down in the hallway,  when he stumbled across this snapshot of a wonderfully put together poster displaying the kind of forward thinking we can only pray our own children will have.  I mean really, all you can do is tip your hat to the "adults" in charge of molding young minds at this school.  Bravo! Is it just me or does the exclamation point look like a wiener?

                                                              Wrap it or Rap it?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Halloween Party

This past spring a group of us went to the a Habitat for Humanity Gala and after dinner there was a auction.  I thought I was ballin when I got a package for 3 rounds of golf but my friend Dave one-upped me when he got a catered party for 50 at an awesome house... like a wise man once said,  you can't out-pimp a pimp.

My friend Elliot sent out a Facebook Invitation to this party on Dave's behalf and then asked me if I could do a picture for the page.  Below is his description of the party from Facebook (which is pretty funny) and then my rendering of what such a party would end up looking like.
To celebrate the one year anniversary of Dave growing the creepiest mustache this side of Hitler, he decided to bid on a house at this year's Habitat for Humanity Auction so that all of his friends and family could share in remembering one of the more momentous battles in American History: Dave Swies vs. The Mach 3 (but not the battery powered one that's more useless than Iowa State football).

The house is phenomenal (heated pool, jacuzzi, pool house, on the lake, etc.) and the event is catered, so I'm going to need everyone to make sure Jason Lee puts on his big boy pants for this one. If he and Pope are near the pool they need to be wearing orange arm floaties at all times.

You can check out the house here:

The schedule for the day is as follows:

Noon - College Football kickoff party. Keg beer will be provided with grilling being done by Dave's Dad, Mr. Mus Tache.

6 PM - Costume Party and catering service begin. Wine and Beer are included, liquor and Four Loko are not. However, it is strongly encouraged that you bring both.

10-11 PM - Shuttle service will be provided to downtown Southern Pines for everyone to continue in their pursuits of unlawful behavior.

For the fourth consecutive year Happy Ending gift bags will be provided by Ms. Angelina Leo. Lots of treat with very little trick (read: cold sores).

This is a no lose proposition for everyone. It's going to be a great time with friends, catering, shuttle service, and alcohol being provided by Dave, all for a good cause benefitting our local Habitat for Humanity.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Lots of Icy Hot

During my final semester at college I decided to leave my cozy restaurant job when one of my brother's friends approached me with a part time job I couldn't refuse.  He wanted me to be a spotter at the local cheer leading and gymnastics gym.  It paid pretty good and I figured it would be a cake job because all he told me I would have to do is stand around while him and the other coaches taught hour long classes.  I would just help spot the girls and make sure they didn't fall on their necks.

For the first two weeks that's exactly what happened... Girls from the ages of 5-18 would come in for their class and I would be the spotter while the other guys coached.  The problem was that not all the girls were technically gymnast and in typical gymnast shape, some of them were fatties and just taking the classes because their parents were making them.  Now I'm not a small guy but after the third day of spotting some of these hippos while they did back hand springs and cartwheels I could barely life my right arm.  It was so painful... I went home every night and lathered up in Icy Hot.  I was starting to wonder if I should have just stayed at my old job but after those first couple of weeks the pain went away and I found better ways to spot the heavies.  However, things were about to go from bad to worse because I was then told that they were short on instructors and I would teaching my own hour long classes... Those poor children.

Clearly I have no background in gymnastics and in no way am  I qualified to teach others... I can't even do a cartwheel and here I am coaching 5-18 year olds how to flip and tumble around.  I did what anyone would do and just starting winging it.  This worked for about a couple of weeks but then kids were starting to notice that I never demonstrated any of the moves the way the other coaches did.  I was a FRAUD... and these kids were on to me.  I would start to sweat and then mumble something about an old gymnastics injury to the part of the body required for the move.  The most uncomfortable thing about this was that they had a waiting room behind a glass wall where all the parents could watch their kids go through the class.  Kinda awkward... how could I look myself in the mirror every morning knowing I was a fake gymnast??  I eventually had to quit, the con was up. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Our First Heist

After my first semester at East Carolina University I decided that all the hard work I was putting into my school work was making things a bit too easy.  Why not join a fraternity?  That should make keeping good grades just a touch more difficult... you know, really challenge me.  Well it did, actually it made school obsolete altogether because me and my other 6 pledge brothers spent the next three months getting yelled at and scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes.  I'll save you guys the play by play on my entire pledge period and skip right to the good stuff.. HELL WEEK.  This was the last week of our initiation and it was a very bad week.  On one of the last nights of hell week we were given a list and told we had 2 hours to complete a scavenger hunt of epic proportions.  I can't remember everything that was on the list but I do remember three of them... we had to bring back some form of roadkill, a nipple imprint in a fresh peanut butter jar from a sorority house and a yard gnome.  The first two were actually easier than I thought but the yard gnome turned out to be the hardest one.  Oh... by the way, we didn't actually get to see the act of imprinting the peanut butter.

So we're driving around for a while just looking in people's gardens for a yard gnome but we had no luck and we were running out of time.  We did not want to find out what our punishment would be if we failed to get one of the items so we decided to go to Wal-Mart and just buy one.  Turns out those little sumbitches are expensive! That's when my friend Morgan came up with plan B.  The garden section of this Wal-Mart was outside and Morgan assured us he could just walk over there, grab the gnome and casually walk back to the car with it.  The perfect crime.  Time was running out, I was driving so I figured what the hell, I would just haul ass if he got caught.  Well... he did get caught... BY A COP!  As soon as he grabs the gnome a cop is patrolling around the parking lot and sees the burglary in process.  Morgan (being level headed) sees the cops and instead of putting the gnome down and walking away he panics and takes off running to our vehicle.  It was like watching a mix between the  Special Olympics of and Oceans 11 because Morgan was wearing Birkenstock sandals and was having trouble keeping stride to say the least.

I am starting to freak out at this point because the cop is turning around in the parking lot to come after him so I start slowly pulling off while one of the guys in the back opens the door.   Morgan finally catches up, throws the gnome in the back and jumps in and I immediately slam on the gas and head out of the parking lot and into the street.  I am a terrible get away driver and I just start making turns at every street that comes up.  I guess it worked though or the cop just never followed us.  Either way the mission was a huge success and Morgan was our little hero. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

When Drinking 4 Loko Goes Wrong...

Sometime a couple weeks ago while I was doing posts on 4 Loko my sister sent me the picture that is below of her boyfriend Russ showing off their bounty.  When I got that picture I immediately said she better have a good story for my blog the next morning... well she did... except I wasn't allowed to hear about it.  I believe her exact words when I asked her how the night went were, "It was terrible, I don't think Russ and I are together anymore."  : (

I almost felt partly responsible for the collapse of such a special bond, then I remembered Beasthammer can not be held responsible for anything that is taken from my blog.  Russ told me he drank one 4 Loko and my sister got the charge of finishing the other two which turned out to be the perfect recipe for disaster.  I am not entirely sure of the complete sh*t show that took place but what I have gathered from the two is that Russ' prized fish was almost killed when my sister knocked over and shattered a fish tank in the apartment.  I am told that both the fish and their relationship are on the road to recovery.  Never underestimate the Devil's Juice.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Blow Starter

This story always reminds me of some good awkward moments.  Shortly after being apprehended for driving under the influence I was convicted and sentenced to a one year suspension of my driver's license.  Since I was a first time offender and refused to ride around on a moped (or as I like to call them "liqour-cicles") the judge was kind enough to grant me permission to drive me car during this year under one condition... I had to have a breathalyzer installed in my car.  Ok, a bit much for a first time offender like myself but it's nothing I can't handle.  I was wrong. 

Even though being convicted of a DUI had deterred me from drinking and driving, it had not stopped me from drinking... I just had to find rides now.  Well this turned out to be a problem in itself because I still had to be at work by 9 am which meant I had "blow start" my car sometime around 8:30.  I can't even tell you how many times I would fail the breathalyzer before work from drinking the night before.  Keep in mind these devices are sensitive to alcohol and will even detect small traces of mouthwash.  At the time I didn't know how high my alcohol content was each time I failed but it only had to be .01%.  When you failed it would lock you out for 30 minutes and then you could try again.  One morning went like this... failed at 8:30, went back inside, waited an hour, failed again, called in sick to work, tried again around 10:30 because i wanted to go get breakfast, failed again, waited three more hours, tried to go to lunch and failed AGAIN.  You have to take your car to the Breathalyzer company every 2 months so they can get an activity report on your box.  It wasn't till then that I could see the print out of all my failed attempts.  Wow... on that particular day I just mentioned I failed to start my car at 1:30 pm with a B.A.C. of .07% (.08% being the legal limit for those of you that live under a rock).  .07%  at 1:30 the next day... now that's getting after it son!  I would have to blame that period of my life on my favorite whiskey Ol' Grandad. 

Oh,  not only did the breathalyzer in the car really cramp my style because of the reasons I just stated... it also looked like I was passing out blow jobs if anyone was ever riding with me.  Cheers!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Used Car Salesman

Danny Copeland is back at it again.  I thought it would be fun to mess around with a car salesman... I actually ended up getting a sales-woman who was a good sport.  I didn't really get any closure to this email thread because she apparently passed it along to her sales manager who I know personally so I had to abort...

I believe I saw a PT Cruiser for sale on your lot today... by any chance would that happen to be a convertible?  It's for my wife. 
Danny Copeland
From: ******************
Sent: Wed, August 4, 2010 6:32:13 PM
Subject: RE: A message from ************* 
          Hi Danny,

Sorry I missed you already at the office. 

The PT is not a convertible.  However, we do have a 2003 Mitsubishi eclipse spyder convertible!  Its priced under 9k.
Do you want to come by and take a test drive?
To: ************************
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2010 1:52 PM
Subject: Re: A message from ****************

Rachael, thank you for your help.  As I mentioned before the PT Cruiser was supposed to be for my wife as a birthday gift next week but as of last night we are no longer together.  I won't bore you with the details Rachael but lets just say it was a nasty little fight and there is not a chance in (you know where) that I'll be purchasing her a car.  However, I must say I am slightly intrigued with the notion of zooming around in a hot little convertible sports car especially while I am on the rebound. 

Could you please send me some more information on this vehicle?  I might also be interested in a test drive if the mileage and color are to my liking. 

Danny Copeland
From: ******************To: Danny Copeland
Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 2:44:50 PMSubject: Re: A message from **************

Hi Danny,
Well, thank you for the giggle this morning.  Although I am sorry to hear about the outcome I am impressed with how you are carrying yourself so far :)  Love the positive attitude !
So, here you go, a hot little sportscar to make the x's jealous and the future's interested...
2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder Convertible
2003 model in white with 86k miles.  Leather, keyless entry, power package, v6, bucket seats in the front, and a clean history.
The boss wants retail value at $10,580. 
I discounted it down to $8,980 for you.  I will honor that price, just let me know when or if you are coming by. 
Hey, good luck to you.  I hope you enjoy your newfound freedom. 
Question:  Would buying the car have stopped the fight? 
From: Danny Copeland
To: *******************Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 3:56:23 PMSubject: Re: A message from ******** Automotive
Thank you for your kind words, I believe a pep talk was in order after what I've been through over the past 24 hours.  To answer your question, I don't think buying her the car would have stopped the fight.  Perhaps only a muzzle or a heavy, bat-shaped piece of wood could have ended that nightmare.  She actually broke my DVR last night... MY DVR! Who does that?? I had 6 hours worth of Shark Week on there... I just don't understand women I guess.

I would love to set up a time for a test drive although today may not work out so well since I've spent the last 4 hours chasing a worm down a tequila bottle over at Applebee's and I'm in no shape to drive. How does tomorrow sound? I really like the car but now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't upgrade to something a little more nicer? Maybe put a nice little dent in our joint checking account before that witch tries to take it all.  Would that be a possibility? 

Here I go rambling on again about stuff you don't care about.  Sorry Rachael, I know you are just trying to sell cars but it has been nice to vent a little.  Let me know what's a good time to come by tomorrow.

My Best,
Danny Copeland
Then I get this email from the Sales Manager:
From: "*******" <******@******>
Date: Fri, August 6, 2010 6:03 pm

Mr. Copeland,

I sent you an email yesterday to let you know that the contact number we had for you was incorrect. In the meantime, actually, I traded last night for a 2005 Chrysler P.T. Cruiser
Convertible Day Dreamer GT. The car is a 1 owner vehicle! It has been kept in immaculate shape. If you knew the owner you would understand why! He is very particular about his vehicles. I definitely think this might be the PERFECT VEHICLE that you have been looking for! Please call me when you get a chance to let me go over this car with you! My cell number is ***** and my work number is *******. Please leave a message if I do not answer, and I will be sure to get back with you as soon as i can! I look forward to talking with you!

Sales Manager
I guess Rachael didn't want to make the sale : (

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Glass Casket

My friend Josh reminded me of this story... When I was in a freshman in high school before I got my license my friend Randy would pick me up and we'd go out and do stuff.  Every once in a while we would stop by his house so he could check in with his parents or whatever.  The first time we did this he stopped beside this little old house on the side of the road on the way back out.  He would just tell me he was "going in to see his grandma real quick" and told me to just wait in the car.  Sure enough it was only a couple minutes and then he was back out.  I didn't think anything of it the first couple of times but after the 4th or 5th time I guess I started to find it a little odd.

One night when I was at home I asked my brother if he noticed how Randy always had to run into his Grandma's house every time he left his house.  My brother (who is older than I am) proceeds to tell me that Randy's grandmother passed away a few years back and that his family decided to keep her preserved in a glass casket inside her old house.  He said they would always stop in to sit by the glass casket and pay their respects.  Ahhh, this would explain why he was only in a few minutes at a time and always made me wait in the car... kinda creepy sure... but it makes sense.  AT LEAST a few months goes by before I finally work out the best way to ask Randy why they would keep their Grandma in a glass casket.  Was it just to look at her?  Was it a family tradition? Are y'all just really creepy or something?  He just stares at me for a few seconds and explodes laughing at me because the look on my face was dead serious.  He asked where I heard that from and when I told him it was my brother he says, "What are you an 'effin retard or something?! She's still alive you moron!  Who puts their grandma in a glass casket??"  He said he was just stopping in there to say hello or because she would give him a little bit of spending cash.  That's what big brothers are for I guess... I still get joked on for this.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Even More Fun with 4 Loko

I have to tell you, the feedback I've been getting from my last 4 Loko post is outstanding.  It is literally influencing people to buy it, drink it and make bad decisions.

Saturday around lunch time, the day after my last 4 Loko post, I recieved this photo in a text message from my friend Jason with the words "Afternoon Delight."
Once again, notice the open container in a vehicle, clearly on their way to go drink so more somewhere.  He thought 4 Loko would be a good start to the day's activities.... wrong.   I'll explain later. 

I swear no more than 20 minutes goes by before I get a call from Morgan telling me that he's just read my blog and was on his way to the store to pick up some 4 Loko.  He said he was going camping that night and they were going to "get drunk in the woods," he says.

I told him he might as well send me a picture when he get's out there.  I got this later that day but I never got a follow up call from him so I don't even know if he ever made it out of the forest or not.

 Okay back to the first guy... Later on that night I get another picture message from Jason, oh... could it be another picture of him drinking a 4 Loko? Not... Exactly... It was actually a self-shot his wiener taking a piss in the toilet with the words "Hide ya Kids, Hide ya Wife..." from the recent viral YouTube video Lincoln Projects Rapist
Wow, an eyeful of of someone's junk pile is just what I needed to help me fall asleep.  Believe it or not I was a little intoxicated that night myself and didn't think about it again until last night when Jason and I had the following text message conversation:
ME:  BTW, that was a nice penis shot, thanks for that.
JASON:  Yea man, no problem.  Apparently, that was sent to about 15 different people.  14 males, 1 female.  Thanks to 4 Loko.  I should never have read your blog about that.
                               PLEASE DRINK 4 LOKO RESPONSIBLY 

Friday, August 20, 2010

Fun with 4 LOKO

I've spoken before on here about 4 Loko and how crazy that jungle juice will get you.  It's been spreading like wild fire here in my hometown and a lot of people have had to find out the hard way just how drunk this stuff will get you.  I thought I would share some of recent photos that either I've take or my friends have taken whilst enjoying this liquid heroine.  I have redone everyone's face to protect their identity and try and save whatever respect they may think they still have in the community... Enjoy

This is my wife enjoying a little quality time with 4 Loko on our way down to the beach a few weeks ago.  Looks like a baby sheep getting a little bit of mother's milk...

Please note that she only had half a can of this stuff and I wouldn't trust her behind the wheel of a forklift. 

Me on the other hand... I was in the next seat over, busy at the controls of a vehicle traveling at 70 mph while enjoying 24 ounces of my very own fruit punch mixture.  Very relaxing...

Be advised that BeastHammer, LLC does not encourage or promote drinking and driving.  I am a trained professional, please do not try and duplicate anything you see on this site.

Nothing too exciting going on here... Just wanted to represent correctly during Discovery Channel's Shark Week.

This is Randy... the self proclaimed Godfather of the 4 Loko movement in North America.  The guy seriously doesn't start any drinking event without at least one 4 Loko to lube up the pipes.  He was able to turn a nice day out on the my brother's boat into an absolute sh*t show... I'm proud of this guy.

Here he is again... showing everyone some of his early childhood gang signs.  He is very hood. 

Here are my two friends Stephen and Pope.  Not really sure what happened after I snapped this photo as I was busy dry heaving in the sink from too much man-love exposure.  God bless this two. 

This last picture is my favorite because when looking at it, all one sees are some friends hanging out before the Zac Brown Band concert last week trying to engage in a little much needed fellowship. I'm sure they probably hung out in the parking lot, sharing some of their favorite Zac Brown "Chicken Fried" lyrics before entering the concert, enjoying the show and returning home. To the untrained eye you might believe that story but to someone who is in the 4 Loko game you know damn well that is not what happened.  Public Event + 2 or more friends + 4 Loko = COMPLETE MADNESS.  One of the guys who had never had this drink before drank 2 of them (48oz) clearly underestimating their power, he passed out and never even made it from the parking lot to the concert.  Another guy was in the same boat except he was able to make it into the show... that's one step closer to being able to pull this thing off than the other guy.  All he has to do is keep his composure and watch the show.  Easier said than done... About half-way through the show he decides it is culturally acceptable to whip out his wiener, put his hands on his hips and have himself a good long pee right there in front of everyone who is standing in the lawn seat section.  I SAY BRAVO!  His wife did not find it amusing at all however and I have still not gotten confirmation on their marital arrangements moving forward. 

                                    PLEASE ENJOY 4 LOKO RESPONSIBLY

Thursday, August 19, 2010

One Woman Man

My friend Randy requested that I post this story, I had actually forgotten about it... it was an event that my subconscious was most likely trying to suppress.  I believe this was the first semester of my senior year in college and Randy was in town visiting for Halloween weekend.  This was the night before the actual Halloween festivities would be taking place but it didn't matter because there was a huge block party going on in the cul-de-sac outside my apartment.  Us and my friends from next door were basically just hanging out on the front porch and watching everyone get pants-sh*tting drunk down below when a girl that I had just recently started "talking" to showed up.  Great, seems like the night is heading in the right direction when all of sudden I get a text message from another girl that I had been on a few dates with  just before meeting the "new" girl.  I had ended things with her but my only problem was that I forgot to let her know that.  Her text said she was downstairs and would be up in a second... Chaos ensues.

I immediately went into a state of panic, I didn't really care about Old-girl seeing me with another girl but I didn't want to ruin things with New-girl just yet.  New-girl stepped outside for a minute and I did what any normal intoxicated man in my position would have done... I told Randy to tell everyone I just passed out drunk.  I ran in my bedroom jumped on the bed and did my best to look unconscious.  The string of events that is about to unfold is very unfortunate. 

New-girl comes back inside, hears that I've passed out, comes over to the side of the bed and starts asking me if I'm okay.  I'm not answering of course because I'm a superb actor and continue to lay there motionless.  1 to 2 minutes later Old-girl comes into my room with one of her friends, sees New-girl kneeling beside my bed and starts saying things like, "Oh hell nah, who are you? Nope, I don't think so little miss thang! What do you think you're doing in here?!" Not exactly sure what New-girl said but it was something to the affect that I was her new boyfriend...This causes a three way verbal cat fight between Old-girl, her friend and New-girl.  This lasts a couple minutes, New-girl gets pissed and is probably a little scared of the other two girls so she storms out and goes home.  Old-girl comes over to the bed now and starts pushing me to trying to wake me up because she wants to tell me what a scumbag I am... but I'm better than that, I wasn't about to blow my cover now.  I'm still faking like I'm passed out and they can't believe I won't wake up because they are screaming at me, poking me and pulling on my arms & legs. 

Finally they give up on me but they aren't finished yet, they had to leave their call sign.  I hear them go into the bathroom in my room and all I could hear was a little laughing and a few more derogatory comments about me.  They eventually leave and I can now open my eyes (keep in mind I've been wide awake and laying completely still with my eyes closed for about 30 minutes, I could be an effin Navy Seal or something) but I still just lay there a few extra minutes just to make sure I was in the clear.  I get up, turn around to look at my bathroom.  Those little hookers had squirted all my shampoo and toothpaste on everything... the walls, the toilet, the door and the mirror. All I could do was tip my hat to 'em, they did their thing in there.  I even found my poor little toothbrush floating helplessly in the toilet.  Skanks... you just shouldn't mess with another man's toiletries. I guess if there is any lesson to be learned by all of this it's that I don't like confrontation... I'd rather play dead. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fantasy Baseball Smack Talk

So I'm in a fantasy baseball league this year with about 5 guys I know and 5 guys I don't.  Today one of these people I don't know decided it was a good idea to start running his mouth to me on the message board. There hasn't really been any trash talking so I thought this was funny today.  I'll save everyone the boring fantasy baseball jargon but basically I posted a message yesterday letting the league know that I had a player available from my team that I didn't need so if anyone could use him they just had to make me a trade offer.  Should be a take it or leave it situation but this jerkoff decided he would go the extra mile... the exchange is below and yes these are actual team names from my league (Kenny Powers Mullet is my friend Brent and Korean Potato Eaters is the Douche Bag):
BeastHammer, LLC
I am putting up the "Red Hot" Luke Scott for a team in need of a (1B,LF) player. I have too many 1B and they are all supremely awesome (Pujols, Swisher, Cuddyer & Scott)...
Kenny Powers' Mullet
what do u want in return?
BeastHammer, LLC
Korean Potato Eaters (Douche Bag)
I will trade you a bag of s$%t for someone you picked up three weeks ago and then talked like he was on your team all year(Beasthammer LLC - Luke Scott). Or better yet I will trade you Ramon Hernandez straight up. It would make no sense for me to do that, but hey I guess we are talking nonesense so what do you think? Luke Scott he of the one hot month. EVERY YEAR!!!
Kenny Powers Mullet
oh snap!
BeastHammer, LLC
Thank you, that was very informative and well received although I will have to take a pass on your bag of shit and Ramon trade offer. I don't remember saying I have had Scott the entire season but I don't see how that is relevant. Your team is so deep I'm not sure why you would even bother entertaining a trade. I noticed that Luke Scott is not quite putting up the numbers that your stud first baseman is for the season. Scott has 22 fewer hits, 7 fewer doubles and 4 fewer home runs than Fielder... with 107 FEWER AT BATS but you're right, Scott is just having a good month. I can also see why you would be talking shit about my player when your "ace in the hole" at the 1B, LF option is Matt LaPorta. Nice work.
When I say a player is available for trade and it is someone you don't want all you have to do is... wait for it... NOTHING. But instead you chose to be a D-Bag.
Kenny Powers Mullet
Oh even bigger snap! goooooooood laaaaawwwwddd!
NY Boobs (the league commissioner)
It always warms my heart...when two people who have never even met develop a hatred for one another. Sort of like me and Sarah Palin. We can have a league-wide vote on the idea of trading non-players (like a bag of shit), for players. I vote yes, and feel it can add a whole new layer of drama to the league. I think it's hilarious that this all started over an Oriole named Luke. Pennant fever is in the air.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Myrtle Beach

 I was talking to my friend Brad today and I'm not sure what it was but something reminded me of a quick little story.  This was a few years back when Brad was in his prime "creeping on girls" stage of his life.  Him and a few guys are up visiting my brother at Appalachian State University.  Sometime that night they stop off at a gas station to pick up some beer and while brad is standing in front of the cooler picking out his flavor some hot chick comes up beside him to do her shopping.  I'm almost sure Brad was at least half drunk at this point in the night and while he was standing there with a dip in mouth thinking of one of his groundbreaking pick up lines, he probably didn't realize he was eye humping this girl to the point of it being a criminal act.  Before he opens his mouth the girl just turns to him and with a look of absolute disgust says two simple words that will haunt Brad to his grave... "Myrtle Beach."
He wasn't quite sure what she meant.  She just walked away after that...  I mean, Myrtle Beach is awesome right?  Some even call it the East Coast Vegas... maybe she was trying to give him a compliment??  Wrong.  I think anyone who's been there knows that Myrtle Beach is just a touch... TRASHY.  I thought this song fit perfectly with this story. 

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

I’m the best to ever do it b*tch
And you’re the best at never doin sh*t
If you're the sh*t then I am sewer rich
Try me and I’ll have your people readin eulogies

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Legend of Eddie Guy

This story, which comes from my friend Randy, is an instant classic.  I believe this all took place up in Raleigh while Randy was still in school at NCSU.  What you're about to read is a true story.

On a random Saturday night one of Randy's friends from out of town came to Raleigh to go out partying with him and some guys.  Well, this friend from out of town also brought with him a friend... a muscle shirt (probably a graphic tee) wearin' bad ass named Eddie Guy.  So the guys go out to some bars and apparently the whole night Eddie is being the typical "I think I'm a bad ass" douche bag, you know the type... always one-upping everyone's story, taking lots of shots & bragging about being a ladies man.  Towards the end of the night Eddie comes back from the bathroom with a pissed off look on his face and goes on and on about how some dude standing next to him in the bathroom was checking out his junk pile.  He was so mad the guys had to calm him down because all he kept saying was, "I ain't gay!  Ain't no dude gonna check out my man-meat... not unless he wants me to knock him out!"

This goes on a little while longer until the guys decide to leave the bar and continue their drinking back at Randy's house.  They took separate cars and when they got back to the house Eddie Guy was nowhere to be found.  His friend that he came in from out of town with told Randy that Eddie had left with a couple of guys to score some drugs.  I think most of the guys found comfort in this because at least they got a break from Eddie for a while, in fact it turns out that he never came back that night at all.  When they all woke up the next morning, they find Eddie sitting in the recliner looking like he'd been to hell and back.  He tells everyone how he bought some drugs off those guys, met some hot chicks and stayed up the entire night partying.  Rock on brother!

Now lets here the real story shall we?  After Eddie has had time to recover for a couple hours him and his friend get on the road and head back home. A few hours later a girl Randy knows stops by to hang out and starts telling a story about how some weird guy went home with two of her guy friends last night.  They eventually figure out that she is talking about Eddie Guy... When Randy starts telling Eddie's version of the story the girls just starts laughing.  "He definitely wasn't partying with any girls last night," she said.  "Those two guys he went home with are gay and they told me this morning that they basically stayed up all night doing drugs and double teaming your friend."  Turns out Eddie Guy was willingly giving up his mouth and butt for drugs.  I guess he wasn't quite they ladies man he made himself out to be. The best part of the story was how mad he got at the guy in the bathroom for sneaking a peek.  Eddie Guy has never been seen again.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I just wanted to share this, I thought it was pretty funny the way Facebook tries to decide my interests. I didn't know that President Obama had so much in common with Kenny Powers...

Hickory Tavern

About a month ago a few of us went to a local restaurant called Hickory Tavern on a Saturday night because our friend Dave heard they were doing Karaoke. It is also a good place to drink 16 oz. cans of PBR's.   Once the karaoke started it got really bad really quick. The DJ (when he wasn't pumping weak ass Toni Braxton dance music) was busy letting all his "boys" sing multiple songs, mostly R&B and it took an hour and fifteen minutes after Dave put in his request to be called up.  All in all it was just an awful experience and my friends said I should write an email to the manager and complain... below is my exchange with the manager.

I used my alias Danny Copleland:

Good Afternoon,
2 Saturdays ago my friends and I decided to come to your Pinehurst location because we heard you would have Karaoke.  This seemed like it was going to be a good time because we love your restaurant as well as karaoke.  However by the end of the night we could not believe how bad the DJ was.  One of my friends waited 1 hour 15 minutes after signing up to sing before he was called up while we watched the DJ's friends sing 2 or 3 times a piece.  This is not good business.

His reply:
Thanks for the email Danny… I appreciate you letting me know what happened on our karaoke night. I was out of town and therefore did not witness the events but I have spoken to our DJ and assure you this will not happen again… he could not recall exactly how things went down but we came to agreement about how his list and lineup was to work. I believe if you come to our next one, you will experience a different and better time. Once again, thanks for bringing to my attention and I look forward to seeing you in the restaurant in the near future
Eric Rainwater
Hickory Tavern
My reply:

Thank you for your quick response to my email as well as speaking with your DJ.  I must say that I am not surprised he is having trouble recalling the events of that night as he was preoccupied doing his best Don Cornelius impersonation.  I even found myself looking for cameras because it felt like we were in the middle of a Soul Train episode.  Don't get me wrong, I am a big Soul Train fan but having made a special trip to your restaurant for karaoke you can imagine my confusion.

When I was young my brother and I loved to horseplay in the living room.  My brother, being older, was a bad influence on me and one day he found a roll of my Dad's stamps and decided he would lick them one by one and attach them to our cat.  We could have mailed that cat to China and back when he finished and while we thought it was funny I can assure you my Dad did not. He decided that a spanking was in order and although I did nothing wrong I got the worst end of the deal because I had to be spanked second which meant I had to witness the beating given to my brother and would know what's coming.  While I was waiting I remember sitting in front of the TV and being mesmerized.  It was Soul Train and it was my first time seeing a dance show on TV, I was instantly hooked.  I was enjoying it so much that the sting of my father's hand did not seem to bother me so much when it was my turn.  So you see Eric, I have nothing against Soul Train.

I know a great guy that does Karaoke here in the Pinehurst area and think he would be a great addition to the Hickory Tavern family.  What time should I tell him to stop by for an interview?

Danny Copeland
His reply:
That was an excellent Soul Train analogy Danny, I really enjoyed it. As for your friend, I am not currently in the market for a new DJ…I am quite certain my DJ understands what I expect out of him now and we will not have any further issues. I will definitely keep you  (him) in mind though if we decide to go a different route. Hope to see you this Saturday night
 My reply: 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Welcome Wagon

So my friend Stephen is in the middle of planning a bachelor party for our friend Bill next month in Chicago and we've had some emails flying back and forth about it over the past week.  My friend Nick, who used to live in Chicago gave us a list of a lot of cool bars and restaurants that we might want to check out in the downtown area.  To name a few he said Gibson's Steakhouse, Rose Bud and Hugos Frog Bar... the next reply back from one of our friends was, "The Rosebud sounds like a great place for _______ to catch his first disease of the trip."  Immediately following that was this reply from Bill, "I'm pretty sure it would be the other way around.  He would be passing out his first disease of the trip."

I don't know why but the first thing I thought of when I read that (besides how true it might be) is the image of him coming down the street during the middle of a parade and firing off his diseases into the crowd with a T-Shit cannon... I'm a visual learner.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

Nothing can get you through that rocky spot in your day like words of wisdom from Lil' Wayne:

Money outweighin' problems on a triple-beam
I'm stickin' to the script, you niggas skippin' scenes, uh
Be good or be good at it
F**king right I got my gun, semi-Cartermatic
Yeah, put the d*ck in they mouth, so I guess it's "f**k what they say"
I'm high as a b*tch, up, up and away
Man, I'll come down in a couple of days
OK, you want me up in a cage, then I'll come out in beast mode
I got this world stuck in the safe, combination is the G-code

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Knock Knock

So while I'm currently battling a ferocious case of writer's block I've accepted to post a story about my friend Nick. He emailed it to me this morning and after reading it I'm sure that it is awkward enough for this blog. Here is a copy of Nick's email below:

One night back in my junior year of college I was laying on the couch…like usual watching movies, drinking beers and eating bad food, but that’s beside the point…At about 2:30 in the morning one of my roommates decided to finally call it a night and went to bed. Well about 30 minutes later I heard my roommate fall out of his bed, which was on a loft and it sounded like a boulder hitting the ground. With no hesitation I ran into the room to make sure he didn’t kill himself, and low and behold I saw something that scarred me for life. Only if I knew that he was having phone sex with his girlfriend back in Chicago, and after he was finished tried to quietly go to the bathroom to clean up, but with too many cocktails in him he fell off the bed. Well once I had opened the door and saw my roommate stark naked with the compass pointing North, I let out a scream that sounded like an 8 year old little girl and followed it with a God why me! It still brings back some haunting memories!

Don't Call it a Comeback

I know, I know... I have let a lot of people down over the past few weeks with my lack of blog production. I don't know what my excuse is, could be writers block, vacation, laziness, self loathing, devastatingly good looks... I don't know, I just. Don't. Know.

Either way, I'm somewhat back and will try to start posting more regularly again.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mustache Ride

This past weekend we were at our friend's wedding. My friends Kevin, Justin and Brady stayed in a hotel that was different from most everyone else. During the reception Kevin starts telling me a story about something that happened while they were at the pool at their hotel... and... I thought it was hilarious. So, as the three of those guys were about to get into the pool a maintenance worker for the hotel walks by with what can only be described as a Magnum P.I. 70's porn mustache. While I'm sure this was funny in itself everybody went on about their business. Kevin and Brady get in the pool, the maintenance guys goes back around the side of the building and Justin is still standing on the edge of the pool. Justin, thinking the worker was gone stands over the pool and calls out, "Who wants a mustache ride?! Come and get your mustache ride!"
The second Justin starts to yell this out to his friends the maintenance man returns from behind the building and is just standing behind him. Having no idea, Justin continues to verbally and emotionally abuse this guy who I'm sure had a single tear running down his cheek. Kevin said it was so awkward and once Justin could feel the man's mustache breathing down his neck he immediately jumped in the pool and hid underwater for 5 minutes.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Pet Peeve of the Day

Ladies that speed-walk and/or fake run through the halls of my office building. What is this, NASA? Are we about to launch a space shuttle? Give me an effin break! Everyone basically knows what your job is around here so unless you got promoted to an ER Surgeon or a floor broker on Wall Street why don't you do everyone a favor and slow down. We aren't impressed that you procrastinated on your deadlines.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Backdoor Action

I actually had a special request from my friend Josh asking that I do a post about this magical moment in my life. I once again apologize for the subject matter but hey... get over it. When I was about 5 or 6 years old I was playing wiffle ball with some friends out in the front yard of our house. All I remember is that I must have had the BG's (Bubble Guts) and these particular BG's were having a negative effect on my wiffle ball swing and that just could not continue. During a lag in play it was time to make my move. Instead of running inside the house and using the bathroom like a normal human being I thought it would be faster (and more natural?) if I went outside. Did I go behind a tree or perhaps a big hole in the ground? No... I chose the shrubs... right next to the backdoor. Upon completion I returned to my wiffle ball game and within 5 minutes I was approached by my Dad and he was NOT happy that I'd left a nice little heater by his back door. He led me around to the back of the house and I can't remember what he said but I'm sure he basically asked what the hell was wrong with me. I wrapped up this wonderful afternoon after he made me go inside, grab some paper towels and carry that monstrosity back inside to its proper place in the bathroom. It was probably a lot like an episode from the Wonder Years.

Text Message of the Day

The Setup: We have a leak under our kitchen sink...

Me: We are going to need a plumber. Your mom said something about using Will's plumber.
Wife: Why? Can't we just cock it?
Me: Haha. Cock it. Lol
Wife: Lol I knew you were gonna laugh! How else would I spell it!
Me: Caulk.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


The Set-Up: A couple weeks ago I received a friend request on Facebook from one of our friends. It struck me as a little odd only because he has made it perfectly clear over the last few years that he would never ever use facebook, but hey... a lot of people cave in the addiction of Facebook-Creeping. A day later I was included in a mass text from this person saying that "Whoever made me a Facebook page needs to take it down. I do NOT find it f&cking funny." Ahh, now it all makes sense. Well eventually I began getting texts and emails implying that I was the one who did it and that I should take it down. This went on for a couple weeks and our friend was growing more and more angry. At one point he said that when he finds out who it is he is going to rape their sister. Too far??

I then get an email from the culprit who has made up a fake email address and the exchange went like this here:

Beast Hammer Blog Entry. Post that picture on Beast Hammer and I will take the facebook page down. I think I have laughed hard enough at ______'s expense.
Beasthammer: Haha, you are putting me in a tight spot. He will think it's me and then he will rape my sister? Love the picture btw.
Culprit: First of all, this is just funny and should go up on the blog, no matter who is provides the funny. Second, I will reveal myself after the post. The post has to go up before I close it down so its relevant.
Beasthammer: Sounds like blackmail?
Culprit: Not at all. I just want to see another post about our main man _____.

Here is the picture from the culprit and and below it is his last email...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

You cannot reach me on my Samsung
I busy f@ckin the world and givin the universe my damn tongue
Crazy motherf@cker, I am one
But the crazy thing is, I began one
All white bricks, I’m straight like it’s jumpin back to thirty-six nigga
Big house, long hallways, got ten bathrooms I could $h*t all day nigga

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

I flush out the feeling of
Me being the shit
Cause I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Scambaiter 4

Poor Anthony Doles... sounds like he and his family have been through a lot just to give me $9,000,000.00. I hope I don't let him down. Here is my latest reply to his last email.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Scambaiter 3

Wow, leaving my office work number on my last email might have been a poor decision. This guy (Anthony Doles) just called me here at work... He asked for Danny and I immediately went into covert action. "Umm... yes, this is Danny," I say. We had a nice little discussion even though he could barely speak English. He gave me his phone number and then followed up our call with this email...

Scambaiter 2

Here is my reply this morning...


I'm sure everyone at some point has received an spam email from some Nigerian Prince or some other person trying to scam you by offering a percentage of a lump sum that needs to be transferred to America. Well, the term scambaiter refers to a person who receives such an email and goes along with the scam only to jerk the douche bag around. Some of these scambaiters will string the person along for weeks. I received an a brief email from one of these D-Bags the other day so I decided try my luck as a scambaiter. I will post updates as I receive them, below are the first two exchanges between myself and "Anthony Doles." **You will have to click on the emails to read them**

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Times, They are a Changing

I think I figured out why young kids are so messed up these days. I hear about kids in middle school and junior high doing things I've never even heard of... (i.e. Lipstick Parties)

I'm riding in my car just a little while ago and I turn to a local Top 40 station. I know, I know. I know what you're going to say, "But Beasthammer, who listens to the actual radio anymore... that's even more old school than CD's. You're either dumb, poor or both... if you aren't bluetoothing up the iPOD through your system your are a total lame-o!" If that's what you were thinking then here's my rebuttal... SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I F*CK IT!

Ahhh, I digress... Back to the topic. I'm in the car listening to the radio when Rhianna's new song "Rude Boy" comes on and I actually listened to the lyrics and starting thinking about all the young kids that listen to this music. Then I started thinking about how messed up it is that lyrics like that can be played over the radio for a kid to hear but if that same kid wrote down those lyrics in a letter to another kid in school they would probably get in a lot of trouble. Follow the link to get a copy of this letter... Intercepted Letter

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

Niggas doubt wont see me cuz I'm better and bold
The only time I wear depends is when I'm 70 years old
Thats when I cant hold my sh*t within, so I sh*t on myself
Cuz I'm so sick and tired of sh*tting on errybody else

The Leaner

A good job is so hard to find these days and my boy Randy had just that... a GOOD JOB. He was working as a bouncer in a "Gentleman's Club" over in Wilmington, NC. He had been there a while and I'm sure in that business after about 3 months you are considered a grizzled veteran. He came to work on time, worked hard and was polite to the dancers... he seemed to have the world in his hands... that is if it weren't for his single flaw. He was a "leaner" and in this industry being a leaner is a good way to get yourself fired and that is exactly what happened. Sure he had two prior warnings not to lean at work but nobody should have to be told more than once. In his defense he had a condition that caused him to lean on anything bolted to the floor... it wasn't a bum hip or a bad back, Randy was in a fact a Stage 5 Tent Pitcher. That's right, he had to lean over when standing to avoid having anyone make eye contact with his pants tightening erection. We all have our burdens to bare.