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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Tar River

My brother lives in Eastern North Carolina and his house is close to the Tar River. This is an actual river, look it up.  So he invites me, my mom and a couple of my friends down on a Saturday to go out on his boat for the day.  We decided to leave Saturday morning because we wanted to stay in town Friday night and drink... a lot.  Needless to say we had a tough time just getting to my brother's the next morning not to mention I decided to bring my good friend BG (Bubble Guts) to the party.

Everything was going according to plan.  We had been on river wake boarding and tubing for a couple of hours and I remember sitting in a chair on the back of the boat watching one of my friends prepare to ski when I was instantly struck with some of the worst stomach cramps I'd ever had.  I immediately started sweating and looking for an exit plan.  The Tar river is such that it does not have any shallow shores and is mostly lined with jagged tree trunks so there was no hiding out in the woods. At this point it was either go in my bathing suit or jump in the water.  I headed to the front of the boat, jumped off and reached up to hang from the front railings before anyone knew what was going on.  While I'm hanging there in the water with my shorts down and my knees raised up I remember thinking, "Oh it'll just sink to the bottom."  I couldn't have been more wrong... the opposite happened and next thing I know I'm surround by BG and all his dirty friends. 

At this moment everyone figures out what is going on and the look of disgust and amazement on their faces will haunt me forever. It looked like a shark attack scene from Jaws except the water was not red it was brown.  Keep in mind my mother was on the boat the whole time. True Story.  Better out than in I always say. 

Monday, March 29, 2010

Without a Paddle

Over the weekend I saw my friend Elliot at the bar and he tells me our friend Dave had a little adventure of his own a few days ago while he was on a job interview in New York.  I'm not sure of the exact time line but sometime while he was there he had to go "No.2" in his hotel bathroom.  Midway through the process he decided to give himself a little courtesy flush... mayhem ensues.

The toilet is somehow backed up already and the water began to slowly rise.  Dave's a gambling man so he decided he would stay put and wait this one out.  No way it could overflow on the first flush right? Wrong... as the water reached the top of the bowl he noticed that his little floating friend had also joined the party.  I believe his actually words at this point of the story were, "it just canoed over top like a waterfall, right into my dress pants."  Those pants did not make the trip home, he said he left the soiled threads laying on the bathroom floor for some unsuspected maid to deal with.  Could be the beginning of the Deuce Chronicles? I hope not.

Small Talk of the Day

It was raining this morning when I came into work today, which for me makes it a crappy Monday but for the "small talk experts" of the office it gives them an arsenal of talking points to get through the day...

"I don't care much for the rain today but we shore did need it."
This rain makes me sleepy, I could have just stayed in the bed this morning."
Now all the sudden everyone is an amateur meteorologist:
"You know they say we 'sposed to get scattered showers till lunch."
"They say that warm front is gonna be pushing in some of that rain from the north."
GIVE ME A BREAK SKANKY McSKANKLESONS... it's called WEATHER!  It happens every single day and everyone who has looked out the window or stuck their head out the door knows about it.  You aren't on the front lines of some kind of weather revolution, nobody's waiting on your groundbreaking forecast to plan their day... get back to work.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Pain in the Ass

Again I would like to apologize for the lack of posting over the last week.  My company has me training on some new software and it unfortunately does not include exploring the joys of Microsoft Paint.

It has literally been a pain in the ass and has caused me to let down the 2 or 3 of you that are daily followers.

Brent sent me this today to let me know what he thought about my training and apparently what he thinks about my body... hence the mullet, beer gut and bitch titties. Thanks?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Neighborhood Crime Watch

This past Friday some friends and I were hanging out at my friend Nick's house before dinner.  Nick ended up having to leave about 30 minutes before dinner to meet some friends and left the 3 of us at his house.  Nick was very adament about telling us to lock up... whatever we did make sure we locked all the doors before we left.  That was his first mistake... it was like a big softball toss... we had to screw with him now. His second mistake, obviously, is having friends like us.

I decided we should stage a robbery in his house. We started by flipping over some cushions and making a mess.

We then took his giant flatscreen TV down from the entertainment center and hid it behind the bed in his bedroom and in its place I put a drawing of a TV on a sheet of paper.

I wasn't there to see it, but I heard he cussed a lot when he got home drunk at 2am.

Hang in there?

This is one of the rare times when I actually have some important work to do.  I'm in training all of this week and may find it difficult to erect a microsoft paint masterpiece. BeastHammer hasn't forgotten about you...

Friday, March 19, 2010

New Employee

I guess this is Brent's way of telling me he wants on the payroll...

Another Level?

It seems like the only next logical step for BeastHammer, LLC is to diversify the company. I figure Microsoft Paint can only take me so far into the 21st Century...

I will now be taking my slice of the merchandise market.  I just need to figure out how to get my product to the fans.  I will be in the think-tank over the weekend figuring out a solution. Comments are welcome.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Pet Peeve of the Day

Constantly bringing pictures of your "Grandbaby" to work and making sure you take it around to every person's desk to gauge their reactions.

I can't stand this.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no baby-hater but it's one thing to have the picture sitting on your desk and it's another to go around shoving it in people's faces.  I get it, you're proud of your offspring but I don't need to see her weekly glamour shots you have taken down at "The Walmart" with that shitty blue/stonewashed backdrop curtain.

I actually heard someone down the hall say, "Oh look... she's got your hair!"  Really?  You can tell that the 3 month old partially bald baby has her grandmother's hair?  really?

Here is the backdrop I'm refering to...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Doughnuts Anyone?

I just love watching the ladies at work squirm... It's wrong on so many levels but it just feels so right.  It's almost just worth it to hear the failed attempts at trying to talk themselves out of it.

"Oh I really shouldn't, I was trying to be good this week..."
"Are they the ones with the plain glaze or chocolate? Cuz if they're the plain ones I can have a couple."
"Uh oh, these are gonna go straight to my hips..."
"Maybe I shouldn't, it's almost swimsuit season."

An Entire Tree?

So there's a copier/printer in my office and it has been running non stop since I came into work this morning.  The intern that works for my boss and I has been constantly reloading BOTH paper trays so I finally asked him what the hell he was printing.  He told me that my boss asked him to print out a report for her (I won't bore you with specifics) but the this is a report she can view on the computer without printing it out.  The intern told me my boss said it hurt her eyes to look it on the computer and that she'd rather look at the  "hard copy."  Who does that?! It's not even printed on front and back.  He said it was 1,600 pages! This picture is just part of it... as you can see it is still printing more... what a effin barbarian.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Brent wanted me to post this little good luck charm from him.  He says he's part Irish and he drinks a lot so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now get out there and make a tiny bladder chronicle of your own.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tiny Bladder Chronicles pt. 4

This is actually a Tiny Bladder Chronicle that does not belong to me, however I was at the scene of the crime.  To set this up there were about 4 of us at Wrightsville Beach visiting our friend Randy.  We were out on the beach drinking the entire day and when the sun started to go down we decided that we didn't want the party to end.  Randy got this great idea that he would run back to his house and grab a tent so we could camp out and continue to drink on the beach.  Everything went according to plan until about 8:00 am the next morning...
We had all passed out in the tent but when a couple of us woke up we felt like we were in a sauna... the tent was so hot and humid and was we were sweating profusely... my clothes were even a little damp.  We got out of the tent and left the other two asleep while we tried to get some fresh air.  After a few minutes we returned back to the tent to wake Brent and Randy up so we could leave and that's when we saw the golden shower.  Brent was laying belly down in a giant pool of his own urine.  Matter of fact it was completely covering the bottom floor of the tent.  My clothes were not damp because of sweat, we had all been laying in Brent's piss in that tiny tent.  This picture is compliments of Brent. 

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mullet Follow-Up

A friend of mine sent this to me when he found out I was serving up homemade hair cuts at my house.  My mullet was not even close to being this bad ass but you gotta start somewhere. 

Anybody Need the Time?

This is just a little verification on some of my earlier postings.  To be fair I had another watch out in my car that didn't make the lineup. 

Oh, and you're eyes aren't deceiving you... the watch on the top row 2nd from the left is a Casio Calculator watch. You're welcome ladies...

Pet Peeve of the Day

Monday Morning Small Talk...

Alice from accounting:  "Hey BeastHammer, how was your weekend?!"
BeastHammer:  "Oh pretty good Alice, how was yours?"
Alice from accounting: "It was great, but it was just toooooo short." [giggle]
BeastHammer: [pause... cringe... look down at my keyboard... then direct eyes to the ceiling while inhaling slowly and force myself to crack a smile] "Yeah... you're right, they just aren't long enough..." [face palm]

** If you don't have nor to you intend to have anything productive to say please do not talk to me **

Friday, March 12, 2010

4 Loko

 If you have not had the pleasure yet of catching a buzz off 4 Loko then you are missing out.  There isn't much I can say about this product to do it justice except to quote my friend Randy when I first heard about this magical elixir.

Randy: "Duuuude... you heard about that new 4 Loko?  It's like 15% alcohol and comes in 24 oz cans.  It's just like drinking kool-aid except after two of them you can't even remember your name.  I got crazy on 'em last night and when I woke up I had lost my phone and my girlfriend.  I think we broke up."

Within the hour we could verify that he had lost his phone and within the week we found out that he did indeed break up with his girlfriend.  Good news is he doesn't remember any of it.  Stop by your local ghetto gas station and pick some up today. You'll end up like the picture above... Happy Friday!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

More Watches

This is Brent's sequel to the earlier watch posting.  I guess the main thing to point out about this one is the fact that I'm developing a miniature mullet.  Over the last 2 months I have been taking matters into my own hands and cutting my own hair... with a beard trimmer.

I've actually been happy with my work except that I'm not able to cut the back myself because I'm afraid I'll gap it up... so for now it looks like I'm all "business in the front and party in the back."

That is until I decide to come off the $8 and go to the barber shop.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tiny Bladder Chronicles pt. 3

Possibly the final installment of The Tiny Bladder Chronicles and perhaps the most embarrassing... While partying at a bar downtown my sophomore year of college I meet a nice girl.  At closing time I'm completely blitzed but her and I decide to walk to a house party about a mile away for some more late night festivities.  On  the way there I had to piss like a race horse but I was trying to be polite and hold it until we got the party.  
Well about half way there we were close to this girl's apartment and she wanted to stop by there so she could grab something. Sweet, this was my chance to finally take a leak... we walked in the apartment and I asked her if I could use her bathroom.  No problem so far.  However, while I'm standing in front of the toilet pissing I remember being lost in thought about what an awesome night I was having, what the next party was going to be like, etc.  I finish up after what seemed like 5 minutes and go to zip up my fly... [extreme panic sets in] because apparently I had somehow forgotten to unzip my fly in the first place. 

I'm wearing khaki pants and the wet spot has covered the entire front.  Time to think fast and start planning my escape... I'm on the 3rd floor and there's no window in the bathroom.  I considered using a hair dryer but of course there wasn't one.  I thought about turning my pants inside out (terrible idea but remember I'm kinda tipsy). I had no choice but to try and make it out the front door without her seeing my pants.  I open the door and she is sitting on the couch and immediately looks back at me asking if I was okay after spotting my accident.  I'm literally walking sideways and mumbling excuses as I move quickly out the front door.

At this point I'm fleeing the scene and do what any normal sober guy would do. I head straight over to a house a block away where I know the guys that live there.  They aren't home but the door is unlocked so I head back to one of bedrooms, find similar khaki pants in a closet, make the switch, leave my pants on his floor and head back towards her apartment complex hoping to continue the night as if nothing had happened. Only one problem though, I had no idea which apartment was hers.  So after 30 minutes of knocking on random doors I give up and call a friend to pick me up.  I can't make this stuff up. 

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Calves... This Year's Biceps?

This is Brent's rendition of us hanging out at his house one time when we got a good laugh at the expense of our friend JR.  We just happened to look over as he was heading up the stairs and we witnessed what can only be described as competition style calf flexing.
He was basically tip toeing up the stairs very slowly and holding the flex at each step.  Wow, they were impressive... I think he keeps a small travel container of baby oil on him at all times so he keep those things looking shiny.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Hover Much?

The ladies at my office do three things really well... engage in small talk, forecast the weather and linger.  Lingering is probably what they do best.  They are definitely Stage 5 Lurkers. Especially when any "outside" food is brought in or when I'm working on one of my drawings. Somehow they just know...

Pet Peeve of the Day

People wearing Transition Eye Glasses...

I mean, they never fully transition when you come inside... EVER.  Nothing is creepier than a person with  semi-tinted glasses. 
By the way, if you are one of the ones wearing these glasses I'm not going to apologize.  You are officially on notice.

Watch Fetish

I've recently developed a addiction to watches... but not just any watches.  These watches come from a 'deal a day' site that I check religiously. It tells me I'm getting a ridiculous deal and I fall for it every time. I'm not sure how many I have but it's enough to start pissing my wife off I think. 

So instead of Brent trying to hold an intervention for me and my addiction he decided to send me this picture... I don't know why he had to bring my dog into it.

Don't get hooked -

Friday, March 5, 2010

Pet Peeve of the Day

When someone uses the word "prolly" in a text message

American Gangster?

So I have recently hooked up a subwoofer in my car. We just happened to have the speaker laying around and my wife was going to sell it but I had different plans. I always wanted one when I was younger.
I'm 28 and reasonably normal I think. So the idea of me riding around blasting my bass and having my license plate rattle is slightly ridiculous... but I did it anyway.

If you've ever seen the movie Office Space, I am definitely the white guy in the first scene sitting in his car rapping with the music loud who then immediately turns it down and locks the doors when he sees a black man.  Brent drew this the other day to remind me about reality.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Tiny Bladder Chronicles pt. 2

Setup:  At the end of my last summer before my senior year of college I was moving into a new apartment.  I had been living at home that summer so on this particular day it was my first night in my new place.  I had brought in my suitcases earlier that day and opened them up but never got around to unpacking them. Probably because I got sidetracked by 5 hours of beer pong.  Somehow I made it back to my apartment that night and into my bed.  Sometime the next morning after I had been up a little while I went to unpack my shirts. I may have been disgusted with what I saw but I was not surprised...
Apparently some time during the night I got out of bed and relieved myself into my own suitcase and all over my shirts.  It had completely soaked through the entire stack of shirts and had puddled up in the bottom of bag.  Not one drop made it on the carpet. My sleepwalking/peeing was escalating at an alarming rate.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tiny Bladder Chronicles pt.1

Setup:  This is the first of my new epic series, The Tiny Bladder Chronicles.
One night in college my friend Ryan and I got retarded drunk drinking Flaming Dr. Pepper's... Apparently I passed out on the couch at his apartment and when I woke up the next morning I sat up and had this strange feeling like I had pissed in his fridge.  Didn't think much of it until about 5 minutes later when Ryan woke up and came out to his fridge to get something to drink... at this point I still hadn't put two and two together.  Our brief conversation went like this:

Ryan: WTF? Why does everything look wet in here?
Me:  Huh?
Ryan:  Yeah... it's definitely all wet in the fridge.  
Me:  Really?  What do you think it is, O.J. or something?
Ryan:  Could be, don't know but something must have spilled...
Me:  You should be more careful when you drink Ryan. 

That's it... that was the end of our conversation.  He proceeds to clean out his fridge while I slowly come to the shocking realization that I am a certified maniac with bladder issues. I never told him about me peeing in his fridge until 3 years later at his wedding reception. He took it well.  True story.  

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Tiny Bladder Chronicles

I guess it is finally time for me to start showcasing some of my own misfortunes on this blog.  This is not easy to do since I am damn near perfect in almost every aspect of being human.  But... I will try. 

The Tiny Bladder Chronicles that will follow are recollections of a dark period in my life when I preferred to get "black-out" drunk, pass out, start sleep walking and begin to urinate anywhere I could besides a toilet. This isn't something I'm proud of.  However, it is simply a condition I have (probably genetic) and I deserve the sympathy of my peers.


Setup:  So it's the day of my wedding and all the groomsman and I have just loaded up in the limo to head to the church for the ceremony.  Before we leave the driveway we are all sitting inside the limo passing around the champagne (or as we like to call it... Jim Beam) when we see Marshall, who is my father-in-law, standing outside the house. He was not riding with us to the church and everyone knew that except for Brent...

Brent (aka Lloyd Christmas) proceeds to roll down the window and holler out the following sentence... "Hey Marshall, do you need to come?!"  at which point time actually stood still.  It was so awkward, Brent and Marshall just stared at each other and nobody made a sound for what seemed like hours... you could hear the grass growing.  The limo driver actually started to slowly roll up the window partition between us and him.

I think Marshall's only reply was, "I think I'm good Brent"