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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chamber of Commerce

These came in the mail yesterday... was thinking about taking a stack down to the local Chamber of Commerce and seeing if I could increase the flow of traffic. Does anybody recognize the phone number on the card?

New T Shirt

This is my new T Shirt design, I think it would be the jump off if people got to pick their favorite picture to have on their own shirt.

Make custom t-shirts at

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Novelty Item?

Okay, so this is one of my favorite stories and  probably one of the most embarrassing ones... hope you all enjoy and please, NO JUDGING.

The Setup:  When I was a freshman or sophomore in college I participated in a "Dirty Santa" gift exchange and most of the gifts were sex toys and things like that. Well I proudly ended up with a "novelty" male enhancement pump... now I use the word novelty not only because it was on the box but because it was in fact not meant to actually work but to be strictly a gag gift.  Well screw that I was gonna try it anyway... and...nothing. Didn't work.  Maybe some pain and redness but it was not at all a productive piece of equipment.  Don't ask me why, but I ended up taking it home with me to my parents house the next weekend and somehow threw away the pump but not the box.  The pump was just plastic, I could smash it up and it wouldn't be noticed but the box was very graphic and I did not want that to be seen in the trash.  So I stuffed it in an old toy chest I had from when I was a kid in the very back of my closet. By the way, the name of this pump was The Fireman and it actually had a picture of a fireman using the pump on the front of the box. 

The Failure:  I'm not sure how much time had passed but I think it was close to 2 years.  I'm coming into town from college for the weekend with my roommate Brad to visit my parents, my sister and my niece & nephew.  The two of us walk in and immediately see my sister who says, "How's it going? We're just in your room cleaning out your old toy chest so the kids can put some of their toys in it. Hope that's okay?" It hits me like a ton of bricks and I want to vomit and run as far away as I can.  Maybe I still had time? Nope, she's got this look on her face that tells me that she has already found unthinkable.  "Of course that's fine, do you need any help," I say... trying to play it off but obviously sweating. At this point Brad has no idea why this conversation is so awkward.  My sister leaves into my room for 5 seconds and returns holding the box for The Fireman and waving it in the air for us to see. Brad just stared at me with a look of astonishment... or perhaps disgust.  Maybe he was just mad that I didn't share the wealth?

My sister forgave me but probably still thinks I'm a dirt-bag even after I tried to explain the situation, which is not a very easy situation to explain when you have a naked fireman pointing his pump at you.  Moral of the story... I'm not sure.

New Contributor

My friend Stephen sent this in to me while he was in the middle of some continuing ed for his real estate license with his three coworkers.  I have to say I was impressed with his level of talent and the amount of time he spent on this on not paying attention to the instructor. 

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Future of BeastHammer

Just wanted to let everyone know about the future holds for BeastHammer, LLC.  First off, I am happy to announce that I have secured the rights to the domain  The site is currently under construction but I will be moving away from the blogoshpere and into the world wide web.  Exciting stuff...  

After School Special

When I was about 15, I met my good friend Randy.  He was a senior in high school and I was a freshman, it was your typical storybook bromance.  I remember during that summer Randy used to come pick me up and we'd ride around in his truck go through our little routine.... now in our careers we either hadn't started drinking yet or it was very little if we did.  So our routine consisted of riding to McDonalds (windows down blasting Notorious BIG) and  we'd each order the #1 and an Ice Cream Sundae, mine with nuts his without.  Then we would continue our rebel streak down at the local gas station where we would pick up a pack of Black-N-Milds cigars.  Randy only had two rules when it came to his truck... 1) Never... I repeat Never leave rap music in CD player.  Just in case his dad happened to drive his truck.  I suppose his dad frowned upon such things, and 2) there is no smoking in the truck.  So I don't know why but the spot we picked to always smoke our black-n-milds was a park bench in front of playground... to make this story even creepier we always took our shirts off so our clothes wouldn't smell like the cigars when we got home to our parents.  BAD... ASS...

** Disclosure** BeastHammer does not use nor do I support the use of tobacco products.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Text From Last Night

I know, I know... I'm biting off of the popular website "Text From Last Night" with this one but it was literally a text from last night that cannot be disregarded.   Allow me to set this up for you.  This past Friday I went out with my friends and ended up sleeping at my friend Nick's house.  I wake up really early in the morning feeling horrible and immediately have to run to the bathroom (the library as I like to call it) and conduct my business.  One small problem...  the toilet paper supply in this bathroom was non existent.  Now, here is the exact text from last night to my friend Nick word for word.
Me:  Remember that time I had to wipe with a hand towel?  Those were the days?
Nick:  First of all, that needs to be on the Beasthammer tomorrow!  Second, Gross!
Nick:  (13 minutes later) Third, that was 4 days ago!
Nick:  (10 hrs 54 minutes later) Fourth, you threw the towel out in the waste basket in the bathroom!
Ahhh, its really the little things in life that keep us going.  I'm going to refrain from doing any artwork related to this matter for obvious reasons.  The best part, nobody was awake for me to tell them about it so they found out about an hour later when the dog was walking around the kitchen with the towel in his mouth after digging through the trash can.  I was forced to confess.  At least I went the gentleman's route and didn't try to flush it causing an even bigger disaster.
Ok, I lied about the artwork, I couldn't resist.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Epic Moment in BeastHammer History

I don't want to jinx myself but today could be the day that my site goes over 1,000 visits.  This is not how many times the page has been viewed but rather the amount of "first time visitors" plus "returning visitors" (only counted once per day) that have checked out the site. 

As a side note when "beasthammer" is entered into a Google search my Facebook page was the 2nd result.  
 As I wipe away the single tear rolling down me cheek I would like to thank all of you for your commitment as fans to my blog and your willingness to overlook some of my more obscene moments on this blog.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

My First Night in Prison

Ahhh... this is probably one of my fondest memories.  I'm not sure if it was the orange flip flops, the green jump suit or the prison issued whitey tighties but something about this night always brings on the goosebumps.

During my last semester at college I was right in the middle of a typical Friday night, boozin it at some bar downtown when for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to walk back to my fraternity house which was probably a mile away.  My first mistake was walking there by myself and my second mistake was leaving the bar angry. Can't remember why I was angry but it's irrelevant.  After I had stumbled about halfway there my anger had risen to unsafe levels and I came across a street sign that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The second my death grip had a hold of that steel pole I realized something that would forever change my life... I possessed "retard strength" when I was this drunk... and lots of it.

After I'd shaken the pole loose and pulled it from the earth I suddenly hear cheers coming from a group of kids walking about 50 yards behind me.  What's that?  You want a show?  I'll give you an effin show!  I lift up the street sign like a javelin and launched it into the middle of the road.  [MORE CHEERS]  It felt like a scene from the movie Gladiator... the crowd wanted more, who was I to let them down?  So like a dumbass I run out into the middle of the street and kick the sign... only this time there were no cheers.  I turned around to see why I've disappointed my fans only to find that there is a cop standing there with them asking if I was part of their group.  They of course sold me out and before I knew what was going on I was in handcuffs trying to explain that I didn't do anything wrong. The cop had a digital camera in her hand that she'd taken from one of the kids and showed me a picture of myself with my leg in the air kicking the sign.  Technology can be a bitch sometimes.  

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


So over the weekend I was hanging out with the two co-owners of P&B Farms, Inc. that were referenced on some of my earlier posts in "The Cow Chronicles."  One of them (B) tells me about the time he had to sit and watch the other one (P) artificially inseminate one of the cows.  I can just picture B sitting there gagging while P does all the actual work...

Possible company slogan: "Single HANDEDLY making cow babies since '94 ... So YOU don't have to."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Horseshoes & Hand Grenades

I know this doesn't really go with whatever kind of theme I may have had so far on this blog, which according to my friend J.R., is quickly turning into the "piss & sh*t blog."  It is a Microsoft Paint picture though and I thought this might help steer this blog in a more "positive" direction.  As an Easter gift my wife got me a Horseshoe set so I've spent the morning here at work designing my horseshoe pit.  Now all I need is wood, a saw and someone besides me to build it.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Pet Peeve of the Day

There is a lady here at work and lets say she is in her late 40's early 50's.  She is an old "country girl" who likes to talk to all the other women here at work like she is a 14 year old black girl... when she talks like this it literally makes me feel sick and I have to stop what I'm working on to chew it back.  Here are some of her quotes, see if you recognize a pattern:
"Heeeey Guuuuuuurl!"
"Ok sounds good gerr-friend!"
"Shoooot, you know I like me some sweet tea gerr-friend!"
She is making me use all my sick days.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


This is a revisit of the 4th installment of the Tiny Bladder Chronicles:
For those of you who need reminding this story involved a bunch of us camping at the beach and one of our friends "wetting the bed" inside the tent while we slept.

Turns out my buddy Randy had actual photos from this trip that documented this horrible event.  I felt this was a perfect opportunity to share those pictures with you and let you know that this stuff does actually happen. BeastHammer would never lie to his fans.  Enjoy...

This photo reminds me of simpler times...

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Disaster has struck!  Right here in the employee bathroom... all this talk about bladder chronicles and deuce chronicles has come back to bite me in the ass.  Ten minutes ago I'm using the bathroom here at work and somehow I broke concentration only for a moment... but a moment was all it took.  Don't ask me how but I accidentally peed over the edge of the toilet bowl and all over the back of my pants and underwear. 

I am cursed.  What an odd place to have a wet spot not to mention that uncomfortable wet feeling I'm having sitting in my office chair as I write this.

It'll dry...?