Search This Blog


View My Stats

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mustache Ride

This past weekend we were at our friend's wedding. My friends Kevin, Justin and Brady stayed in a hotel that was different from most everyone else. During the reception Kevin starts telling me a story about something that happened while they were at the pool at their hotel... and... I thought it was hilarious. So, as the three of those guys were about to get into the pool a maintenance worker for the hotel walks by with what can only be described as a Magnum P.I. 70's porn mustache. While I'm sure this was funny in itself everybody went on about their business. Kevin and Brady get in the pool, the maintenance guys goes back around the side of the building and Justin is still standing on the edge of the pool. Justin, thinking the worker was gone stands over the pool and calls out, "Who wants a mustache ride?! Come and get your mustache ride!"
The second Justin starts to yell this out to his friends the maintenance man returns from behind the building and is just standing behind him. Having no idea, Justin continues to verbally and emotionally abuse this guy who I'm sure had a single tear running down his cheek. Kevin said it was so awkward and once Justin could feel the man's mustache breathing down his neck he immediately jumped in the pool and hid underwater for 5 minutes.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Pet Peeve of the Day

Ladies that speed-walk and/or fake run through the halls of my office building. What is this, NASA? Are we about to launch a space shuttle? Give me an effin break! Everyone basically knows what your job is around here so unless you got promoted to an ER Surgeon or a floor broker on Wall Street why don't you do everyone a favor and slow down. We aren't impressed that you procrastinated on your deadlines.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Backdoor Action

I actually had a special request from my friend Josh asking that I do a post about this magical moment in my life. I once again apologize for the subject matter but hey... get over it. When I was about 5 or 6 years old I was playing wiffle ball with some friends out in the front yard of our house. All I remember is that I must have had the BG's (Bubble Guts) and these particular BG's were having a negative effect on my wiffle ball swing and that just could not continue. During a lag in play it was time to make my move. Instead of running inside the house and using the bathroom like a normal human being I thought it would be faster (and more natural?) if I went outside. Did I go behind a tree or perhaps a big hole in the ground? No... I chose the shrubs... right next to the backdoor. Upon completion I returned to my wiffle ball game and within 5 minutes I was approached by my Dad and he was NOT happy that I'd left a nice little heater by his back door. He led me around to the back of the house and I can't remember what he said but I'm sure he basically asked what the hell was wrong with me. I wrapped up this wonderful afternoon after he made me go inside, grab some paper towels and carry that monstrosity back inside to its proper place in the bathroom. It was probably a lot like an episode from the Wonder Years.

Text Message of the Day

The Setup: We have a leak under our kitchen sink...

Me: We are going to need a plumber. Your mom said something about using Will's plumber.
Wife: Why? Can't we just cock it?
Me: Haha. Cock it. Lol
Wife: Lol I knew you were gonna laugh! How else would I spell it!
Me: Caulk.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


The Set-Up: A couple weeks ago I received a friend request on Facebook from one of our friends. It struck me as a little odd only because he has made it perfectly clear over the last few years that he would never ever use facebook, but hey... a lot of people cave in the addiction of Facebook-Creeping. A day later I was included in a mass text from this person saying that "Whoever made me a Facebook page needs to take it down. I do NOT find it f&cking funny." Ahh, now it all makes sense. Well eventually I began getting texts and emails implying that I was the one who did it and that I should take it down. This went on for a couple weeks and our friend was growing more and more angry. At one point he said that when he finds out who it is he is going to rape their sister. Too far??

I then get an email from the culprit who has made up a fake email address and the exchange went like this here:

Beast Hammer Blog Entry. Post that picture on Beast Hammer and I will take the facebook page down. I think I have laughed hard enough at ______'s expense.
Beasthammer: Haha, you are putting me in a tight spot. He will think it's me and then he will rape my sister? Love the picture btw.
Culprit: First of all, this is just funny and should go up on the blog, no matter who is provides the funny. Second, I will reveal myself after the post. The post has to go up before I close it down so its relevant.
Beasthammer: Sounds like blackmail?
Culprit: Not at all. I just want to see another post about our main man _____.

Here is the picture from the culprit and and below it is his last email...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

You cannot reach me on my Samsung
I busy f@ckin the world and givin the universe my damn tongue
Crazy motherf@cker, I am one
But the crazy thing is, I began one
All white bricks, I’m straight like it’s jumpin back to thirty-six nigga
Big house, long hallways, got ten bathrooms I could $h*t all day nigga

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

I flush out the feeling of
Me being the shit
Cause I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Scambaiter 4

Poor Anthony Doles... sounds like he and his family have been through a lot just to give me $9,000,000.00. I hope I don't let him down. Here is my latest reply to his last email.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Scambaiter 3

Wow, leaving my office work number on my last email might have been a poor decision. This guy (Anthony Doles) just called me here at work... He asked for Danny and I immediately went into covert action. "Umm... yes, this is Danny," I say. We had a nice little discussion even though he could barely speak English. He gave me his phone number and then followed up our call with this email...

Scambaiter 2

Here is my reply this morning...


I'm sure everyone at some point has received an spam email from some Nigerian Prince or some other person trying to scam you by offering a percentage of a lump sum that needs to be transferred to America. Well, the term scambaiter refers to a person who receives such an email and goes along with the scam only to jerk the douche bag around. Some of these scambaiters will string the person along for weeks. I received an a brief email from one of these D-Bags the other day so I decided try my luck as a scambaiter. I will post updates as I receive them, below are the first two exchanges between myself and "Anthony Doles." **You will have to click on the emails to read them**

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Times, They are a Changing

I think I figured out why young kids are so messed up these days. I hear about kids in middle school and junior high doing things I've never even heard of... (i.e. Lipstick Parties)

I'm riding in my car just a little while ago and I turn to a local Top 40 station. I know, I know. I know what you're going to say, "But Beasthammer, who listens to the actual radio anymore... that's even more old school than CD's. You're either dumb, poor or both... if you aren't bluetoothing up the iPOD through your system your are a total lame-o!" If that's what you were thinking then here's my rebuttal... SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I F*CK IT!

Ahhh, I digress... Back to the topic. I'm in the car listening to the radio when Rhianna's new song "Rude Boy" comes on and I actually listened to the lyrics and starting thinking about all the young kids that listen to this music. Then I started thinking about how messed up it is that lyrics like that can be played over the radio for a kid to hear but if that same kid wrote down those lyrics in a letter to another kid in school they would probably get in a lot of trouble. Follow the link to get a copy of this letter... Intercepted Letter

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

Niggas doubt wont see me cuz I'm better and bold
The only time I wear depends is when I'm 70 years old
Thats when I cant hold my sh*t within, so I sh*t on myself
Cuz I'm so sick and tired of sh*tting on errybody else

The Leaner

A good job is so hard to find these days and my boy Randy had just that... a GOOD JOB. He was working as a bouncer in a "Gentleman's Club" over in Wilmington, NC. He had been there a while and I'm sure in that business after about 3 months you are considered a grizzled veteran. He came to work on time, worked hard and was polite to the dancers... he seemed to have the world in his hands... that is if it weren't for his single flaw. He was a "leaner" and in this industry being a leaner is a good way to get yourself fired and that is exactly what happened. Sure he had two prior warnings not to lean at work but nobody should have to be told more than once. In his defense he had a condition that caused him to lean on anything bolted to the floor... it wasn't a bum hip or a bad back, Randy was in a fact a Stage 5 Tent Pitcher. That's right, he had to lean over when standing to avoid having anyone make eye contact with his pants tightening erection. We all have our burdens to bare.