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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Crabtree Tavern Response

This just came in... and all I have to say is whatever happens to this guy up at Crabtree Tavern is on Randy's hands not Danny's.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Crabtree Tavern

The other day my friend Randy sent me a complaint about a sports bar called Crabtree Tavern in Raleigh.  He said there is never any hot girls there, only guy bartenders and some nerd waiter who only talks about Fantasy Football instead of doing his job.  These are all reasons Randy had to stay home and watch Playoff Football last weekend instead of on the big screens at a nice sports bar.  He put Danny on the case... and Danny never disappoints?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Sometimes It's the Little Things

I just overheard my boss use the phrase, "Off into the wild blue yonder."  I'm sorry, I didn't see your horse parked outside ma'am {as I remove my 5 gallon hat and duster}.  I believe the way it was used was, "Sometimes I think when I send you an email it just goes OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER."

She has True Grit...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

FUD (Female Urination Device)

Yesterday my friend Justin sent me a link to a groundbreaking product for women called the Go-Girl, .  This device is so revolutionary that it is finally going to level the playing field for men and women and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Ladies... prepare to pee standing up!

Never again will you have to squat in front of chauvinistic males while they point and laugh at the way you relieve yourself.  Those men with their fresh knees from all that standing and peeing... it's just not fair.  Lets face it ladies, we need you to keep those knees in good working condition for those "other duties" we deem important that may "arise."

Girls, I know what your gonna say... "But Mr. Beasthammer you have no idea what it's like to be a woman and have to squat when you pee outdoors."  I say, you're right! I don't know what it's like to be a woman because I'm a man.  I like being a man... and I'm damn good at it.  However, I see your point.  I embrace those rare opportunities when I'm able to take a leak outdoors like the good lord intended it.  It makes me feel free.  There's no aiming necessary unless of course it is for an insect or target practice on random leaves.  There's no toilet seats to wipe down because your wife "thinks it's gross to sit on my stale urine" when it's her turn to use the bathroom.  Best of all, when you're really lucky and a slight easterly wind comes through and blesses you with a brief kiss on your junk-pile in such a way that it gives you goosebumps... it reminds you that everything is going to be OKAY.

I can also see where the Go-Girl is going to have other applications besides just being used for the outdoors.  In today's global economy the rise of "power hungry" women is escalating quickly. Nothing is going to help you break through that glass ceiling faster than having the ability to pee while standing up.  As men we know that most important business deals don't reach an agreement around the long board room table like they do in the movies.  These deals are sealed afterwards in the Men's Bathroom.  You follow Mr. Takahashi, the Sr. Director of Sony's Southeast Division into the bathroom and over to the urinals.  You take a stance directly next to him, place one hand flat against the wall and your other on your hip.  When you've completed 15% of your urination you turn your head to Mr. Takahashi, make eye contact and deliver you final pitch.  Be sure to maintain eye contact the whole time. This shows him you have confidence as well as unbelievable restraint not to look down at his business and see if what they say about Asians is true or not. When finished zip up, step back from the urinal and shake hands... do not wash them first (tip: guys never wash their hands after we pee, if anything we walk over to the counter and turn the water on performing a mock hand wash while we check our hair or tie knot).

In conclusion, Beasthammer strongly endorses the Go-Girl as well as woman's fight for equality.  If any women would like to give their feedback after using this product I think our readers would be very interested in hearing your story.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Don't Be Shy

Come on now boys and girls there has to be some business or company out there that has done you an injustice or perhaps you have a sh*tty neighbor that needs a good talkin' to.  Nothing makes Danny Copeland happier than being able to verbally assault people on your behalf.  Comment below outlining who Danny can write a letter to and why.