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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Lots of Icy Hot

During my final semester at college I decided to leave my cozy restaurant job when one of my brother's friends approached me with a part time job I couldn't refuse.  He wanted me to be a spotter at the local cheer leading and gymnastics gym.  It paid pretty good and I figured it would be a cake job because all he told me I would have to do is stand around while him and the other coaches taught hour long classes.  I would just help spot the girls and make sure they didn't fall on their necks.

For the first two weeks that's exactly what happened... Girls from the ages of 5-18 would come in for their class and I would be the spotter while the other guys coached.  The problem was that not all the girls were technically gymnast and in typical gymnast shape, some of them were fatties and just taking the classes because their parents were making them.  Now I'm not a small guy but after the third day of spotting some of these hippos while they did back hand springs and cartwheels I could barely life my right arm.  It was so painful... I went home every night and lathered up in Icy Hot.  I was starting to wonder if I should have just stayed at my old job but after those first couple of weeks the pain went away and I found better ways to spot the heavies.  However, things were about to go from bad to worse because I was then told that they were short on instructors and I would teaching my own hour long classes... Those poor children.

Clearly I have no background in gymnastics and in no way am  I qualified to teach others... I can't even do a cartwheel and here I am coaching 5-18 year olds how to flip and tumble around.  I did what anyone would do and just starting winging it.  This worked for about a couple of weeks but then kids were starting to notice that I never demonstrated any of the moves the way the other coaches did.  I was a FRAUD... and these kids were on to me.  I would start to sweat and then mumble something about an old gymnastics injury to the part of the body required for the move.  The most uncomfortable thing about this was that they had a waiting room behind a glass wall where all the parents could watch their kids go through the class.  Kinda awkward... how could I look myself in the mirror every morning knowing I was a fake gymnast??  I eventually had to quit, the con was up. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Our First Heist

After my first semester at East Carolina University I decided that all the hard work I was putting into my school work was making things a bit too easy.  Why not join a fraternity?  That should make keeping good grades just a touch more difficult... you know, really challenge me.  Well it did, actually it made school obsolete altogether because me and my other 6 pledge brothers spent the next three months getting yelled at and scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes.  I'll save you guys the play by play on my entire pledge period and skip right to the good stuff.. HELL WEEK.  This was the last week of our initiation and it was a very bad week.  On one of the last nights of hell week we were given a list and told we had 2 hours to complete a scavenger hunt of epic proportions.  I can't remember everything that was on the list but I do remember three of them... we had to bring back some form of roadkill, a nipple imprint in a fresh peanut butter jar from a sorority house and a yard gnome.  The first two were actually easier than I thought but the yard gnome turned out to be the hardest one.  Oh... by the way, we didn't actually get to see the act of imprinting the peanut butter.

So we're driving around for a while just looking in people's gardens for a yard gnome but we had no luck and we were running out of time.  We did not want to find out what our punishment would be if we failed to get one of the items so we decided to go to Wal-Mart and just buy one.  Turns out those little sumbitches are expensive! That's when my friend Morgan came up with plan B.  The garden section of this Wal-Mart was outside and Morgan assured us he could just walk over there, grab the gnome and casually walk back to the car with it.  The perfect crime.  Time was running out, I was driving so I figured what the hell, I would just haul ass if he got caught.  Well... he did get caught... BY A COP!  As soon as he grabs the gnome a cop is patrolling around the parking lot and sees the burglary in process.  Morgan (being level headed) sees the cops and instead of putting the gnome down and walking away he panics and takes off running to our vehicle.  It was like watching a mix between the  Special Olympics of and Oceans 11 because Morgan was wearing Birkenstock sandals and was having trouble keeping stride to say the least.

I am starting to freak out at this point because the cop is turning around in the parking lot to come after him so I start slowly pulling off while one of the guys in the back opens the door.   Morgan finally catches up, throws the gnome in the back and jumps in and I immediately slam on the gas and head out of the parking lot and into the street.  I am a terrible get away driver and I just start making turns at every street that comes up.  I guess it worked though or the cop just never followed us.  Either way the mission was a huge success and Morgan was our little hero. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

When Drinking 4 Loko Goes Wrong...

Sometime a couple weeks ago while I was doing posts on 4 Loko my sister sent me the picture that is below of her boyfriend Russ showing off their bounty.  When I got that picture I immediately said she better have a good story for my blog the next morning... well she did... except I wasn't allowed to hear about it.  I believe her exact words when I asked her how the night went were, "It was terrible, I don't think Russ and I are together anymore."  : (

I almost felt partly responsible for the collapse of such a special bond, then I remembered Beasthammer can not be held responsible for anything that is taken from my blog.  Russ told me he drank one 4 Loko and my sister got the charge of finishing the other two which turned out to be the perfect recipe for disaster.  I am not entirely sure of the complete sh*t show that took place but what I have gathered from the two is that Russ' prized fish was almost killed when my sister knocked over and shattered a fish tank in the apartment.  I am told that both the fish and their relationship are on the road to recovery.  Never underestimate the Devil's Juice.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Blow Starter

This story always reminds me of some good awkward moments.  Shortly after being apprehended for driving under the influence I was convicted and sentenced to a one year suspension of my driver's license.  Since I was a first time offender and refused to ride around on a moped (or as I like to call them "liqour-cicles") the judge was kind enough to grant me permission to drive me car during this year under one condition... I had to have a breathalyzer installed in my car.  Ok, a bit much for a first time offender like myself but it's nothing I can't handle.  I was wrong. 

Even though being convicted of a DUI had deterred me from drinking and driving, it had not stopped me from drinking... I just had to find rides now.  Well this turned out to be a problem in itself because I still had to be at work by 9 am which meant I had "blow start" my car sometime around 8:30.  I can't even tell you how many times I would fail the breathalyzer before work from drinking the night before.  Keep in mind these devices are sensitive to alcohol and will even detect small traces of mouthwash.  At the time I didn't know how high my alcohol content was each time I failed but it only had to be .01%.  When you failed it would lock you out for 30 minutes and then you could try again.  One morning went like this... failed at 8:30, went back inside, waited an hour, failed again, called in sick to work, tried again around 10:30 because i wanted to go get breakfast, failed again, waited three more hours, tried to go to lunch and failed AGAIN.  You have to take your car to the Breathalyzer company every 2 months so they can get an activity report on your box.  It wasn't till then that I could see the print out of all my failed attempts.  Wow... on that particular day I just mentioned I failed to start my car at 1:30 pm with a B.A.C. of .07% (.08% being the legal limit for those of you that live under a rock).  .07%  at 1:30 the next day... now that's getting after it son!  I would have to blame that period of my life on my favorite whiskey Ol' Grandad. 

Oh,  not only did the breathalyzer in the car really cramp my style because of the reasons I just stated... it also looked like I was passing out blow jobs if anyone was ever riding with me.  Cheers!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Used Car Salesman

Danny Copeland is back at it again.  I thought it would be fun to mess around with a car salesman... I actually ended up getting a sales-woman who was a good sport.  I didn't really get any closure to this email thread because she apparently passed it along to her sales manager who I know personally so I had to abort...

I believe I saw a PT Cruiser for sale on your lot today... by any chance would that happen to be a convertible?  It's for my wife. 
Danny Copeland
From: ******************
Sent: Wed, August 4, 2010 6:32:13 PM
Subject: RE: A message from ************* 
          Hi Danny,

Sorry I missed you already at the office. 

The PT is not a convertible.  However, we do have a 2003 Mitsubishi eclipse spyder convertible!  Its priced under 9k.
Do you want to come by and take a test drive?
To: ************************
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2010 1:52 PM
Subject: Re: A message from ****************

Rachael, thank you for your help.  As I mentioned before the PT Cruiser was supposed to be for my wife as a birthday gift next week but as of last night we are no longer together.  I won't bore you with the details Rachael but lets just say it was a nasty little fight and there is not a chance in (you know where) that I'll be purchasing her a car.  However, I must say I am slightly intrigued with the notion of zooming around in a hot little convertible sports car especially while I am on the rebound. 

Could you please send me some more information on this vehicle?  I might also be interested in a test drive if the mileage and color are to my liking. 

Danny Copeland
From: ******************To: Danny Copeland
Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 2:44:50 PMSubject: Re: A message from **************

Hi Danny,
Well, thank you for the giggle this morning.  Although I am sorry to hear about the outcome I am impressed with how you are carrying yourself so far :)  Love the positive attitude !
So, here you go, a hot little sportscar to make the x's jealous and the future's interested...
2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder Convertible
2003 model in white with 86k miles.  Leather, keyless entry, power package, v6, bucket seats in the front, and a clean history.
The boss wants retail value at $10,580. 
I discounted it down to $8,980 for you.  I will honor that price, just let me know when or if you are coming by. 
Hey, good luck to you.  I hope you enjoy your newfound freedom. 
Question:  Would buying the car have stopped the fight? 
From: Danny Copeland
To: *******************Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 3:56:23 PMSubject: Re: A message from ******** Automotive
Thank you for your kind words, I believe a pep talk was in order after what I've been through over the past 24 hours.  To answer your question, I don't think buying her the car would have stopped the fight.  Perhaps only a muzzle or a heavy, bat-shaped piece of wood could have ended that nightmare.  She actually broke my DVR last night... MY DVR! Who does that?? I had 6 hours worth of Shark Week on there... I just don't understand women I guess.

I would love to set up a time for a test drive although today may not work out so well since I've spent the last 4 hours chasing a worm down a tequila bottle over at Applebee's and I'm in no shape to drive. How does tomorrow sound? I really like the car but now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't upgrade to something a little more nicer? Maybe put a nice little dent in our joint checking account before that witch tries to take it all.  Would that be a possibility? 

Here I go rambling on again about stuff you don't care about.  Sorry Rachael, I know you are just trying to sell cars but it has been nice to vent a little.  Let me know what's a good time to come by tomorrow.

My Best,
Danny Copeland
Then I get this email from the Sales Manager:
From: "*******" <******@******>
Date: Fri, August 6, 2010 6:03 pm

Mr. Copeland,

I sent you an email yesterday to let you know that the contact number we had for you was incorrect. In the meantime, actually, I traded last night for a 2005 Chrysler P.T. Cruiser
Convertible Day Dreamer GT. The car is a 1 owner vehicle! It has been kept in immaculate shape. If you knew the owner you would understand why! He is very particular about his vehicles. I definitely think this might be the PERFECT VEHICLE that you have been looking for! Please call me when you get a chance to let me go over this car with you! My cell number is ***** and my work number is *******. Please leave a message if I do not answer, and I will be sure to get back with you as soon as i can! I look forward to talking with you!

Sales Manager
I guess Rachael didn't want to make the sale : (