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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Glass Casket

My friend Josh reminded me of this story... When I was in a freshman in high school before I got my license my friend Randy would pick me up and we'd go out and do stuff.  Every once in a while we would stop by his house so he could check in with his parents or whatever.  The first time we did this he stopped beside this little old house on the side of the road on the way back out.  He would just tell me he was "going in to see his grandma real quick" and told me to just wait in the car.  Sure enough it was only a couple minutes and then he was back out.  I didn't think anything of it the first couple of times but after the 4th or 5th time I guess I started to find it a little odd.

One night when I was at home I asked my brother if he noticed how Randy always had to run into his Grandma's house every time he left his house.  My brother (who is older than I am) proceeds to tell me that Randy's grandmother passed away a few years back and that his family decided to keep her preserved in a glass casket inside her old house.  He said they would always stop in to sit by the glass casket and pay their respects.  Ahhh, this would explain why he was only in a few minutes at a time and always made me wait in the car... kinda creepy sure... but it makes sense.  AT LEAST a few months goes by before I finally work out the best way to ask Randy why they would keep their Grandma in a glass casket.  Was it just to look at her?  Was it a family tradition? Are y'all just really creepy or something?  He just stares at me for a few seconds and explodes laughing at me because the look on my face was dead serious.  He asked where I heard that from and when I told him it was my brother he says, "What are you an 'effin retard or something?! She's still alive you moron!  Who puts their grandma in a glass casket??"  He said he was just stopping in there to say hello or because she would give him a little bit of spending cash.  That's what big brothers are for I guess... I still get joked on for this.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Even More Fun with 4 Loko

I have to tell you, the feedback I've been getting from my last 4 Loko post is outstanding.  It is literally influencing people to buy it, drink it and make bad decisions.

Saturday around lunch time, the day after my last 4 Loko post, I recieved this photo in a text message from my friend Jason with the words "Afternoon Delight."
Once again, notice the open container in a vehicle, clearly on their way to go drink so more somewhere.  He thought 4 Loko would be a good start to the day's activities.... wrong.   I'll explain later. 

I swear no more than 20 minutes goes by before I get a call from Morgan telling me that he's just read my blog and was on his way to the store to pick up some 4 Loko.  He said he was going camping that night and they were going to "get drunk in the woods," he says.

I told him he might as well send me a picture when he get's out there.  I got this later that day but I never got a follow up call from him so I don't even know if he ever made it out of the forest or not.

 Okay back to the first guy... Later on that night I get another picture message from Jason, oh... could it be another picture of him drinking a 4 Loko? Not... Exactly... It was actually a self-shot his wiener taking a piss in the toilet with the words "Hide ya Kids, Hide ya Wife..." from the recent viral YouTube video Lincoln Projects Rapist
Wow, an eyeful of of someone's junk pile is just what I needed to help me fall asleep.  Believe it or not I was a little intoxicated that night myself and didn't think about it again until last night when Jason and I had the following text message conversation:
ME:  BTW, that was a nice penis shot, thanks for that.
JASON:  Yea man, no problem.  Apparently, that was sent to about 15 different people.  14 males, 1 female.  Thanks to 4 Loko.  I should never have read your blog about that.
                               PLEASE DRINK 4 LOKO RESPONSIBLY 

Friday, August 20, 2010

Fun with 4 LOKO

I've spoken before on here about 4 Loko and how crazy that jungle juice will get you.  It's been spreading like wild fire here in my hometown and a lot of people have had to find out the hard way just how drunk this stuff will get you.  I thought I would share some of recent photos that either I've take or my friends have taken whilst enjoying this liquid heroine.  I have redone everyone's face to protect their identity and try and save whatever respect they may think they still have in the community... Enjoy

This is my wife enjoying a little quality time with 4 Loko on our way down to the beach a few weeks ago.  Looks like a baby sheep getting a little bit of mother's milk...

Please note that she only had half a can of this stuff and I wouldn't trust her behind the wheel of a forklift. 

Me on the other hand... I was in the next seat over, busy at the controls of a vehicle traveling at 70 mph while enjoying 24 ounces of my very own fruit punch mixture.  Very relaxing...

Be advised that BeastHammer, LLC does not encourage or promote drinking and driving.  I am a trained professional, please do not try and duplicate anything you see on this site.

Nothing too exciting going on here... Just wanted to represent correctly during Discovery Channel's Shark Week.

This is Randy... the self proclaimed Godfather of the 4 Loko movement in North America.  The guy seriously doesn't start any drinking event without at least one 4 Loko to lube up the pipes.  He was able to turn a nice day out on the my brother's boat into an absolute sh*t show... I'm proud of this guy.

Here he is again... showing everyone some of his early childhood gang signs.  He is very hood. 

Here are my two friends Stephen and Pope.  Not really sure what happened after I snapped this photo as I was busy dry heaving in the sink from too much man-love exposure.  God bless this two. 

This last picture is my favorite because when looking at it, all one sees are some friends hanging out before the Zac Brown Band concert last week trying to engage in a little much needed fellowship. I'm sure they probably hung out in the parking lot, sharing some of their favorite Zac Brown "Chicken Fried" lyrics before entering the concert, enjoying the show and returning home. To the untrained eye you might believe that story but to someone who is in the 4 Loko game you know damn well that is not what happened.  Public Event + 2 or more friends + 4 Loko = COMPLETE MADNESS.  One of the guys who had never had this drink before drank 2 of them (48oz) clearly underestimating their power, he passed out and never even made it from the parking lot to the concert.  Another guy was in the same boat except he was able to make it into the show... that's one step closer to being able to pull this thing off than the other guy.  All he has to do is keep his composure and watch the show.  Easier said than done... About half-way through the show he decides it is culturally acceptable to whip out his wiener, put his hands on his hips and have himself a good long pee right there in front of everyone who is standing in the lawn seat section.  I SAY BRAVO!  His wife did not find it amusing at all however and I have still not gotten confirmation on their marital arrangements moving forward. 

                                    PLEASE ENJOY 4 LOKO RESPONSIBLY

Thursday, August 19, 2010

One Woman Man

My friend Randy requested that I post this story, I had actually forgotten about it... it was an event that my subconscious was most likely trying to suppress.  I believe this was the first semester of my senior year in college and Randy was in town visiting for Halloween weekend.  This was the night before the actual Halloween festivities would be taking place but it didn't matter because there was a huge block party going on in the cul-de-sac outside my apartment.  Us and my friends from next door were basically just hanging out on the front porch and watching everyone get pants-sh*tting drunk down below when a girl that I had just recently started "talking" to showed up.  Great, seems like the night is heading in the right direction when all of sudden I get a text message from another girl that I had been on a few dates with  just before meeting the "new" girl.  I had ended things with her but my only problem was that I forgot to let her know that.  Her text said she was downstairs and would be up in a second... Chaos ensues.

I immediately went into a state of panic, I didn't really care about Old-girl seeing me with another girl but I didn't want to ruin things with New-girl just yet.  New-girl stepped outside for a minute and I did what any normal intoxicated man in my position would have done... I told Randy to tell everyone I just passed out drunk.  I ran in my bedroom jumped on the bed and did my best to look unconscious.  The string of events that is about to unfold is very unfortunate. 

New-girl comes back inside, hears that I've passed out, comes over to the side of the bed and starts asking me if I'm okay.  I'm not answering of course because I'm a superb actor and continue to lay there motionless.  1 to 2 minutes later Old-girl comes into my room with one of her friends, sees New-girl kneeling beside my bed and starts saying things like, "Oh hell nah, who are you? Nope, I don't think so little miss thang! What do you think you're doing in here?!" Not exactly sure what New-girl said but it was something to the affect that I was her new boyfriend...This causes a three way verbal cat fight between Old-girl, her friend and New-girl.  This lasts a couple minutes, New-girl gets pissed and is probably a little scared of the other two girls so she storms out and goes home.  Old-girl comes over to the bed now and starts pushing me to trying to wake me up because she wants to tell me what a scumbag I am... but I'm better than that, I wasn't about to blow my cover now.  I'm still faking like I'm passed out and they can't believe I won't wake up because they are screaming at me, poking me and pulling on my arms & legs. 

Finally they give up on me but they aren't finished yet, they had to leave their call sign.  I hear them go into the bathroom in my room and all I could hear was a little laughing and a few more derogatory comments about me.  They eventually leave and I can now open my eyes (keep in mind I've been wide awake and laying completely still with my eyes closed for about 30 minutes, I could be an effin Navy Seal or something) but I still just lay there a few extra minutes just to make sure I was in the clear.  I get up, turn around to look at my bathroom.  Those little hookers had squirted all my shampoo and toothpaste on everything... the walls, the toilet, the door and the mirror. All I could do was tip my hat to 'em, they did their thing in there.  I even found my poor little toothbrush floating helplessly in the toilet.  Skanks... you just shouldn't mess with another man's toiletries. I guess if there is any lesson to be learned by all of this it's that I don't like confrontation... I'd rather play dead. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fantasy Baseball Smack Talk

So I'm in a fantasy baseball league this year with about 5 guys I know and 5 guys I don't.  Today one of these people I don't know decided it was a good idea to start running his mouth to me on the message board. There hasn't really been any trash talking so I thought this was funny today.  I'll save everyone the boring fantasy baseball jargon but basically I posted a message yesterday letting the league know that I had a player available from my team that I didn't need so if anyone could use him they just had to make me a trade offer.  Should be a take it or leave it situation but this jerkoff decided he would go the extra mile... the exchange is below and yes these are actual team names from my league (Kenny Powers Mullet is my friend Brent and Korean Potato Eaters is the Douche Bag):
BeastHammer, LLC
I am putting up the "Red Hot" Luke Scott for a team in need of a (1B,LF) player. I have too many 1B and they are all supremely awesome (Pujols, Swisher, Cuddyer & Scott)...
Kenny Powers' Mullet
what do u want in return?
BeastHammer, LLC
Korean Potato Eaters (Douche Bag)
I will trade you a bag of s$%t for someone you picked up three weeks ago and then talked like he was on your team all year(Beasthammer LLC - Luke Scott). Or better yet I will trade you Ramon Hernandez straight up. It would make no sense for me to do that, but hey I guess we are talking nonesense so what do you think? Luke Scott he of the one hot month. EVERY YEAR!!!
Kenny Powers Mullet
oh snap!
BeastHammer, LLC
Thank you, that was very informative and well received although I will have to take a pass on your bag of shit and Ramon trade offer. I don't remember saying I have had Scott the entire season but I don't see how that is relevant. Your team is so deep I'm not sure why you would even bother entertaining a trade. I noticed that Luke Scott is not quite putting up the numbers that your stud first baseman is for the season. Scott has 22 fewer hits, 7 fewer doubles and 4 fewer home runs than Fielder... with 107 FEWER AT BATS but you're right, Scott is just having a good month. I can also see why you would be talking shit about my player when your "ace in the hole" at the 1B, LF option is Matt LaPorta. Nice work.
When I say a player is available for trade and it is someone you don't want all you have to do is... wait for it... NOTHING. But instead you chose to be a D-Bag.
Kenny Powers Mullet
Oh even bigger snap! goooooooood laaaaawwwwddd!
NY Boobs (the league commissioner)
It always warms my heart...when two people who have never even met develop a hatred for one another. Sort of like me and Sarah Palin. We can have a league-wide vote on the idea of trading non-players (like a bag of shit), for players. I vote yes, and feel it can add a whole new layer of drama to the league. I think it's hilarious that this all started over an Oriole named Luke. Pennant fever is in the air.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Myrtle Beach

 I was talking to my friend Brad today and I'm not sure what it was but something reminded me of a quick little story.  This was a few years back when Brad was in his prime "creeping on girls" stage of his life.  Him and a few guys are up visiting my brother at Appalachian State University.  Sometime that night they stop off at a gas station to pick up some beer and while brad is standing in front of the cooler picking out his flavor some hot chick comes up beside him to do her shopping.  I'm almost sure Brad was at least half drunk at this point in the night and while he was standing there with a dip in mouth thinking of one of his groundbreaking pick up lines, he probably didn't realize he was eye humping this girl to the point of it being a criminal act.  Before he opens his mouth the girl just turns to him and with a look of absolute disgust says two simple words that will haunt Brad to his grave... "Myrtle Beach."
He wasn't quite sure what she meant.  She just walked away after that...  I mean, Myrtle Beach is awesome right?  Some even call it the East Coast Vegas... maybe she was trying to give him a compliment??  Wrong.  I think anyone who's been there knows that Myrtle Beach is just a touch... TRASHY.  I thought this song fit perfectly with this story. 

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

I’m the best to ever do it b*tch
And you’re the best at never doin sh*t
If you're the sh*t then I am sewer rich
Try me and I’ll have your people readin eulogies

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Legend of Eddie Guy

This story, which comes from my friend Randy, is an instant classic.  I believe this all took place up in Raleigh while Randy was still in school at NCSU.  What you're about to read is a true story.

On a random Saturday night one of Randy's friends from out of town came to Raleigh to go out partying with him and some guys.  Well, this friend from out of town also brought with him a friend... a muscle shirt (probably a graphic tee) wearin' bad ass named Eddie Guy.  So the guys go out to some bars and apparently the whole night Eddie is being the typical "I think I'm a bad ass" douche bag, you know the type... always one-upping everyone's story, taking lots of shots & bragging about being a ladies man.  Towards the end of the night Eddie comes back from the bathroom with a pissed off look on his face and goes on and on about how some dude standing next to him in the bathroom was checking out his junk pile.  He was so mad the guys had to calm him down because all he kept saying was, "I ain't gay!  Ain't no dude gonna check out my man-meat... not unless he wants me to knock him out!"

This goes on a little while longer until the guys decide to leave the bar and continue their drinking back at Randy's house.  They took separate cars and when they got back to the house Eddie Guy was nowhere to be found.  His friend that he came in from out of town with told Randy that Eddie had left with a couple of guys to score some drugs.  I think most of the guys found comfort in this because at least they got a break from Eddie for a while, in fact it turns out that he never came back that night at all.  When they all woke up the next morning, they find Eddie sitting in the recliner looking like he'd been to hell and back.  He tells everyone how he bought some drugs off those guys, met some hot chicks and stayed up the entire night partying.  Rock on brother!

Now lets here the real story shall we?  After Eddie has had time to recover for a couple hours him and his friend get on the road and head back home. A few hours later a girl Randy knows stops by to hang out and starts telling a story about how some weird guy went home with two of her guy friends last night.  They eventually figure out that she is talking about Eddie Guy... When Randy starts telling Eddie's version of the story the girls just starts laughing.  "He definitely wasn't partying with any girls last night," she said.  "Those two guys he went home with are gay and they told me this morning that they basically stayed up all night doing drugs and double teaming your friend."  Turns out Eddie Guy was willingly giving up his mouth and butt for drugs.  I guess he wasn't quite they ladies man he made himself out to be. The best part of the story was how mad he got at the guy in the bathroom for sneaking a peek.  Eddie Guy has never been seen again.