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Monday, August 29, 2011

Taxicab Confessions, Act 2

Before we begin, if you have not yet read my article titled "Taxicab Confessions" it would be wise of you to do so before continuing with this post.  To catch up either CLICK HERE or scroll down.

Just this past weekend I had to opportunity to fellowship a little with Mr. D-Money, our hero from the first Taxicab story, and gained some much needed perspective on this whole disastrous situation.  I just want to say thank you to D-Money for being so candid with me in the wake of such a dark moment in his life.  I learned two things that day from speaking with D... first, they got picked up that night from their friends house not a bar which helped explain why D-Money was wearing sweatpants.  The second thing I learned was that the story did not end when the cab driver dropped them off... nope, apparently the cock touching cabbie was not ready to end the night with a rejection from D-Money.

The story continues...

So D-Money and Janet are dropped off back at their house and while walking inside D-Money can't help but feel like he was just involved in a rape scene of some B movie.  He walks into the house still trying to put the pieces back together and heads directly to the fridge to grab a beer in hopes of regaining his composure.  He leans up with his beer and without moving a muscle he has an overwhelming sense that someone is watching him.  Someone indeed was watching him...

Panic sets in. He begins to sweat. His bootyhole puckers up in self defense.  He slowly closes the refrigerator door, turns his head and sees what no man should have to see in his lifetime... standing just a few feet behind D-Money was the infamous cab driver.  That's right, the cab driver who just minutes ago attempted the "over the pants HJ" has now actually followed his victim into his house and is set up in a "cocked & loaded" position on D-Money's six.  I'm sure the cabbie said something like, "Hey Sug, was you just gonna 'stiff me on the tip'?"  D-Money is frozen where he stands from some sort of primal fear paralysis but he said he mustered up enough strength to call out, "Janet! You better get this motherf*cker out of here!" His girl comes running into the kitchen to break up this little 'cock fight' and escorts the cab driver outside. He apologizes and gets in his cab. End of story.  It appears as though our friend D-Money once again dodged a bullet.  Cheers!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Follow up on Yahoo Post

Here is a quick follow up on how things have progressed with Mr. Anthony Karl at Yahoo... i recommend reading below if you have not yet read the first post on this subject or click here to be directed...

From Anthony to Me:

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Pulse.

Your email regarding the Yahoo! Terms of Service (TOS) and the Yahoo! Community Guidelines raises legal issues that are not addressed byCustomer Care. This type of issue may be better resolved by reviewingour help pages for additional information or by consulting your legal advisor for an interpretation of our TOS and Community Guidelines as itrelates to your specific situation.

Please be aware that messages that harass, abuse, or threaten othermembers; have obscene or otherwise objectionable content; have spam, commercial, or advertising content or links may be removed and may result in the loss of your Yahoo! ID (including email).

Anthony Karl

Yahoo! Customer Care
From Me to Anthony:
 Oh now this is getting rich Anthony Karl with a K.... how dare you threaten to take away my Yahoo ID after already taking away my Yahoo ID for reasons you've still yet to mention.  
How... Dare... You?!  
I will most definitely be consulting my attorney on this matter and I will see you in court Tony.  Make sure you wear something cute with easy access because I plan on eye f****ing the sh*t out of you when we finally meat each other (notice I spelled meet with an 'a' as in my 'meat' stick is going to be stuck so far up your ass they're gonna need the jaws of life to pry me off your sweet little fart maker.

Your a good man Tony... I love you.

Monday, August 22, 2011


I just wanted to share with you all a little slice of my life over the past week.  Just last Monday I got to work and tried to login to my Yahoo account.  Now, I don't use this account for email but strictly for Fantasy Sports.  In fact, over the past 5 years Fantasy Sports is the ONLY reason I even go to  So, as I try to login that morning I'm repeatedly hit with an error message that says I either have an invalid user name or password.  I know what your thinking... "are you sure you don't have CAPS LOCK ON?"  The answer is no... I did not have caps lock on and I didn't forget my password.  In fact it was the same password I've had for 5 years.

After about 50 or so failed login attempts I click the "Forgot Password?" link thinking they are going to email me a password reset prompt to my other email or let me answer some security questions to reset my password.  Well neither happened.  When I went through that process I would get another error message saying, "Oops, we're sorry but this account cannot be verified online.  Please contact customer care for assistance."  Now I'm starting to sweat.  I don't want to sound like a nerd here but I'm in the middle of a playoff race in my Fantasy Baseball league and I cannot afford to be locked out of my account for any period of time.  It's a 24 hour a day commitment.  Long story short, I fill out the customer care complaint form (about 15 times) and had it emailed to them. At this point they tell me I will be contacted within 24-48 hours.  Well it's been 7 days and I finally get a response and I have posted the exchange below, including one of my "angrier" complaint emails:
To Yahoo:
I swear to God I don't understand why this is such a f***ing process to have my f***ing password reset. GROW THE F**K UP YAHOO!! I can get this done in 2 minutes with Gmail, Hotmail, Facebook, or even snail mail. I can't comprehend why I have to email you lazy bastards to do this.  What is wrong with answering security questions? My phone number is ###-###-####, give me a call and at least pretend you actually have a customer service department and personally tell me why this is such a f***ing process! I have had this account for 5 years with the same password.  My password is ***** if that helps expedite this retarded process.
From Denise Fox at Yahoo:
Dear ****,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Customer Care.

Your Yahoo! Customer Care account was disabled pursuant to the Yahoo! Terms of Service (TOS). You agreed to abide by the TOS when you created your account with Yahoo!. The TOS can be found at:
You agree that Yahoo!, in its sole discretion, may terminate your password, account (or any part thereof) or use of the Service, and remove and discard any content within the Service, for any reason, including, without limitation, for lack of use or if Yahoo! believes that you have violated or acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the TOS.
Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Pulse.


Denise Fox

Yahoo! Customer Care
From Me to Denise:

Really?? I would LOVE to know how I abused my account, please elaborate.  It certainly wasn't due to my lack of use so it must be that I "acted inconsistently  with the letter or spirit of the TOS."  This should be good considering I only use this account for Fantasy Sports, not email. Please respond with your answer.  

Also, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.  Although you fell short of your stated time frame of 24 hours by about 7 days, I get the sense that you are acting swiftly on this matter. 

P.S. I am highly pissed off right now
From Anthony Karl at Yahoo:
(He actually just sends me the exact same email I got the first time from Denise Fox)
From Me to Anthony:
Dear Anthony Karl with a K, 
Thanks for clearing all of this up.  I read your TOS and it seems I was in violation of 1 or more of the 50 reasons my service can be terminated without my consent.  In no way shape or form was that a vague answer to my question on why my account was terminated by the folks inside your "Think Tank."

Now that I don't know what terms I violated I will be sure open a new account with Yahoo and pray that I don't go right back to my old ways and start doing whatever it is I wasn't supposed to be doing. I feel bad Anthony, should I apologize for what I did or didn't do?

Clear as mud Anthony Karl with a K, keep up the fine work over there. 

P.S.  Go F**k yourself Tony!

Coming Soon

Just wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what is coming down the Beasthammer pipeline over the next few days (no, that was not an anal sex or bathroom pun).

I had the opportunity to catch up with D-Money from the recent taxi cab story and he provided me with "the rest of the story" from that dreadful evening and trust me... you're gonna want to hear this.  Also, there is another of our friends, let's just call him Vance, who had an encounter with this cab driver and that is also going to make for a very entertaining post.  Stay tuned!

And finally, today I received this in my inbox this morning and I have already forwarded it Mr. Danny Copeland who will hopefully scambait the $hit out them...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Critics Rave

It seems as though I was fortunate enough to get some favorable reviews from the critics out there.  Don't take their word for though, CLICK HERE to find out for yourself.

It has Arrived!

Today was a good day... that little lamb of a guy from FedEx brought me a little something extra special... you can't tell me this shouldn't be a staple on the back of every man's toilet.
A perfect Father's Day, Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas & Easter Gift for the whole family

Featuring the Famous "Scambaiter Series"

Picture Quality is Superb

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Taxicab Confessions

Some of the stories I've put on this blog are from stories some of my friends will bring up during casual conversation.  They don't necessarily mean for it to be the focal point of the story they are telling me at the time but I immediately pick up a detail here and there and have to reverse engineer the actual story I want to hear.  This next post is no exception and the things that happen in my friends lives never ceases to amaze me.

Due to the content of this post I promised that I would leave names out to protect the innocent... all names used going forward will be aliases.  So, I'm riding around with Burt the other day and we are on our way to the bar when we pass a gas station on our right.  I'm not really paying attention but Burt looks out the window and says, "Hey, that's that creepy cab driver that tried to molest D-Money over there gassing up." And then without skipping a beat he asks, "So what bar are we headed to?"  I almost wrecked into a tree as my feeble brain tried to digest the information it was just fed.  "Whoa whoa whoa," I said.  "What the hell did you just say?" Burt then repeats himself and proceeds to tell me a dynamite story that I immediately knew had to be shared with you guys...

Apparently a couple of weeks ago D-Money and his girlfriend Janet were on their way home from the bar after drinking copious amounts of hard liquor and decided to jump into a cab.  Smart move? We shall see...  They both get in the back and order the driver to deliver them to their house but once they get around the block Janet suddenly remembers that she left her phone at the bar and gets the cab to turn around and head back.  Once they are back in front of the bar Janet jumps out to run inside leaving a highly inebriated D-Money in backseat of the cab.  At this point the cab driver and D-Money are engaged in small talk (which I will get to later) while waiting on Janet to get back.  All of the sudden, the driver turns in his seat creating the perfect angle for him to reach back and rub D-Money's cock piece. I'll give you a second to let that sink in...

That's right.  The cab driver actually turned around, reached back and began fondling D-Money's junk box. Now that's a ballsy move. This obviously doesn't last very long before D-Money squirms and smacks the cabbie's hand telling him, "NO! I don't roll like that dude!"  The driver obeys his customer's wishes and turns back around and acts like nothing happened.  Seconds later Janet gets back in the cab and at this point the awkward silence is palpable.  She looks at D-Money and asks, "What's wrong?"  "Nothing," he replies with a look of shame and shattered dreams that can only be duplicated by a single mother rape victim on a cheesy Lifetime Channel movie Then, the cab driver takes them home.  They pay and that is that.  End of story.   After Burt told me all of this I asked why didn't D-Money scream rape or punch the guy or try to run?  Burt said he asked him the same question and his response was, "I don't know man, I was drunk as shit and he really didn't touch it all that long anyway."

Wow.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this very important part of the puzzle... D-Money said he was wearing sweat pants that night which really puts into context just how personal this encounter was.

As promised, this is just my interpretation of the small talk and awkward moments leading up to "The Incident."
Cabbie:  Hey man, nice night huh?
D-Money:  Uh, yeah dude, I guess. Hey, can I smoke in here?
Cabbie:  No smoking buddy, sorry.  But... I can touch your cock for you if you want.
D-Money:  Oh ok - WAIT, what did you just say?
Cabbie:  I said, I will touch your cock if you want me to.
D-Money:  Uh no dude, please don't touch my cock.
Cabbie:  Are you sure?
D-Money:  Yeah man, I'm sure.  Don't touch my cock.
 Cabbie:  No? Well I'm gonna touch it anyway. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Don't Drink & Skeet

There's not really much of a story here but at the time I was looking for an excuse to draw a picture and pass some time.

This weekend my friend and his family are throwing their annual "Summer Shoals" party.  I've yet to attend one of these events but from my understanding it consists of a large hunting lodge on a lake where a undisclosed number of young adults still in their prime frolic around, make out with each other and drink themselves into blackouts. Unfortunately though, there is one activity at Summer Shoals that has been taken off the itinerary.  It was quite a shock to learn via email from my friend that this year there would be no skeet shooting like there had been in the past.  I agree that there are a few things in this world that don't mix well with alcohol, painkillers and weed but as far as I'm concerned, a 12 gauge shotgun  is not one of those things.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Monday Morning Bidet

I realize that this topic is not as tasteful as some of you may be hoping for but I felt it needed to be shared never the less.  Please allow me to take you on a magical journey through with a timeline of consumption for an average "slightly un-classy" male for a typical weekend.

Let us begin with Thursday...  regardless of whether you work on Fridays your weekend will at least mentally begin shortly after 5 pm on Thursday.  You leave work and in one way or another you celebrate the fact that you've managed to once again fool other grown ups into thinking you actually give a damn about your job for 4 days in a row... and why shouldn't you?  It's no easy task.  So you extend happy hour a few hours on Thursday not worrying about if you're going to be hung over at work tomorrow or not because it's Friday... and nobody really does shit on Friday's anyway so there's no reason why you can't spend the final 8 hours of your week doing your usual Facebook Creepin' routine with a hangover.  Now it's time for lunch and time for you to really start punishing your body.  What's that? Mexican for lunch with the boys?  Why the hell not, it's Friday isn't it?  You ate salad and tuna sandwiches all week trying to trick your body into thinking you aren't a disgusting bastard... you've earned this lunch.

4:45 pm rolls around and you find a way to sneak out early, stop by the gas station, pick up a case of Busch Light and a bag of TGI Friday's Bacon 'n Cheddar Potato Skins.  You head home and immediately start swallowing these products at an alarming rate until it's time to take a shower and head out to meet your Friday night associates who have no doubt been doing the exact same thing.  You get to dive bar and don't want to ruin your buzz with one of their big greasy hamburger platters so you wisely opt for a dozen wings with extra ranch and a side of fried pickles. You're no amateur...  Now you continue to slurp down dollar drafts mixed with shots of yager at 10 minute intervals.  You then go home, pass out, wake up the next morning and head down to the local Mac's Breakfast Anytime joint with whoever happens to have slept on your couch and recliners.  Here you decide to order the "Farmer's Breakfast" or sampler plate if you will and before the waitress walks off to put in your order you say, "Oh yeah, can I also get a side of corn beef hash with that?"  Of course you can good sir!

The rest of your Saturday consumption goes exactly like Friday with the exception that you don't have to wait unit 5 o'clock to start drinking now.  Before you know it you are right in the middle of your Sunday with a horrible hangover that can only be cured by Gatorade and comfort food (ie. left over pizza and Moose Tracks ice cream).  When Monday morning rolls around you feel a little groggy so you unfortunately decide to have that second giant cup of coffee and I think we all know what happens next...  you briskly waddle down the hall to the employee bathroom giving handshakes and smiling nods to everyone you pass and they have no idea what is happening to your body from the belly button down.  You make it into the bathroom, lock the door, say a quick prayer and turn the water on even though you know there is not a chance in hell a steady stream of water is going to mask this nuclear flashback of your entire weekend that you are about to give birth to anally.  This is a vicious cycle of life.

I think this picture explains what I feel is my only option for cleanliness after one of these Monday morning bathroom visits.