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Monday, November 29, 2010

Plan B

The other day I have to make a last minute trip up to the local pharmacy to pick up some "Plan B" emergency contraceptive for my wife.  I normally leave that kind of shopping up to the wife but lets face it... it was time for me to step up.  I definitely don't need any little snot machines crawling around my house slobbering all over my Playstation or knocking over my beer cans.  Plan B it is... I  make that uncomfortable walk to the pharmacy counter and rapidly but quietly eject the words "Plan B" out of mouth while awkwardly avoiding eye contact.  "No problem," he says and walks in the back.  By the time he returned I had already reached into my wallet and pulled out a crisp $20 bill and was soooo ready to complete this transaction.  He scans the box and says, "Thatta be $44.89 please."  It took a second for this to register, I was certain this wasn't going to cost over $13.  The rest of our transaction went something like this...
Beasthammer:  "Forty-Four dollars?! Hot damn son, that some expensive sh*t."
Pharmacist:  "Yep, this stuff isn't cheap."
Beasthammer:  "No kidding! What comes in the box, a new uterus?"
Pharmacist:  "[giggle] Maybe you ought to stick to 'Plan A' from now on."
Beasthammer:  "Ok?"
I paid and that was that but I am still not quite sure what he meant by Plan A... I mean, that could be any number of things.  Your comments are welcome.  

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I’m going to be signing a personalized head shot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask, is that you have your name prepared. Because I don’t wanna have to ask the same question 30 f*cking times.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


The time is now sheeple... we must all come together, put aside our differences and unite.  As individuals we cannot accomplish what needs to be accomplished but as a team we can do the undreamable.  As one of my hero's Kenny Powers once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in c*nts so stop acting like little c*nts" and stockpile as much Four Loko as you can fit in your house.  Maybe even bury some in the ground.

The government is waging a war against young, smart and unbelievably attractive people such as yourself to stop you from being a consumer of Four Loko.  They want to tell me I can't get blackout drunk on Four Loko and piss myself but I'm allowed to buy a handle of tequila, pound it and expose myself in front of an elementary school lunch line. Hardly makes sense if you ask me.  4 or 5 states have already banned this drink and my guess is the rest will follow, except for maybe North Dakota and South Carolina, because... what else have they got, really? As your financial adviser and role model, I suggest that immediately following the reading of this article you invest heavily in Four Loko's publicly traded stock.  Ride the wave all the way to the bank baby because people are going to be buying this stuff up with the same reckless abandon as Justin Bieber CD's and wigs.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I have been blessed with many things in this life – an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Meaningless Texts

My friend Josh is a huge Dr. Dre fan and from time to time I like to direct a derogatory comment about Dr. Dre in his direction to see if I can fire him up.  Yesterday I was having a little down time so I decided to text him and see if he was up for a debate.  Yesterday's Match-up... Dr. Dre vs. Young Jeezy (I don't even like Young Jeezy that much by the way):
BeastHammer:  Young Jeezy would slay Doc Dre's buttpiece... Lyrically. He's a proletariat?
Josh:    Poet? And Doc Dre has people writing his lyrics because he's a boss... Grow up.
BeastHammer:  Jeezy is a trap-star.  Or trapster as you white people like to call it.  Dre is weak sauce and gay.
Josh:  Jeezy is like 90, riding anybody's d*ck he can to get a piece of the fame.  I'm sure he's hollerin at Dre trying to suck dat big ole black snake into submission.
BeastHammer:  The Snowman don't suck d*cks. He has people suck d*cks for him.
Josh:  What f*cking rapper calls himself the "snowman"? That sh*t just sounds soft as f*ck.  He should just call himself Marshmellow.
BeastHammer:  That's what I named my c*ck.  Jeezy is transcending the game.  Dre just does popcorn commercials.
Josh:  I thought you called your c*ck "chocolate thunder" cause its covered wit that doo doo baby! Anyways I'm over Dre it's Eminem nowadays.
BeastHammer:  Some fan you are.  I've stuck with Dre through the good and the bad.  We don't need fair weather fans like you anyways.
Josh:  F***************ccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk u
BeastHammer:  I will carry the flame
Josh:  You are the flame-r

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

 Life's lessons by Kenny Powers
Kenny Powers: "A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument."

Friday, November 5, 2010

Silent but Deadly

This past Monday night I was over at my friend Brent's house watching some football.  After a little while his Dad comes into the room and we all just sitting around bullsh*ting as usual when something must have sparked his Dad's memory prompting him to tell us an incredible tale. 

So the story goes that when he was a little bit younger him and some buddies were out camping, not because they are outdoors-men but because they wanted to get hammered drunk where there would be no witnesses and no rules.  I can only imagine the amount of Schlitz Malt Liquor and moonshine that was consumed that night.  The next morning Brent's Dad and a couple of them wake up feeling hungover and sick to their stomachs.  This is the point of the story where Brent's dad was faced with a crucial decision... does he go into the woods next to a tree and let nature take it's course or does he go over to his friend's tent while he is still sleeping, quietly unzip it and release some of the most deadliest flatulence ever recorded in history?  He wisely chooses option 2.  When finished, he zipped the tent door back up and him and his buddies stood there and waited for the show.

Minutes later they hear some rustling in the tent followed by the door trying to be unzipped with the kind of panic one only experiences during a gang rape.  Once he is finally free from the tent he hits the ground on his hands and knees and proceeds to vomit... over and over again... all while Brent's Dad and friends laughed their asses off.  I say, WELL DONE SIR.

Good Quote from The Departed

 ~ Alec Baldwin
"Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think, "At least somebody can stand the son of a bitch." Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work."

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Day Stick

As a high school summer job a couple of my friends and I worked for a swimming pool company and cleaned pools.  Also working there were a couple of middle aged guys that did all the maintenance repairs on the pumps and equipment.  You could just tell these two guys were lifers and they would always tell themselves little fairy tales of how they were going to become famous inventors and live the American dream.  They never really shared any of their inventions with us (probably because they thought we would steal their ideas) but there is one invention that I do remember hearing about...


THE DAY STICK.  The "day stick" was a device that was going to revolutionize the law enforcement industry.  This was going to be the greatest thing since the handcuff.  This idea they came up with based around one simple principle. It was going to be the opposite of the night stick.  Since a night stick was black, it was supposed to be used at night to camouflage with the dark night sky.  The day stick would be clear and it would be used... yep, you guessed it... during the day.  The unsuspecting criminals would never see it coming.  The cops could bludgeon people with stealth and precision thanks to this groundbreaking device.

This is a true story.  I can't make this stuff up.  The last I heard they were still trying to get their idea patented and still fixing pools.  Retarded.