Crabtree Tavern Response

This just came in... and all I have to say is whatever happens to this guy up at Crabtree Tavern is on Randy's hands not Danny's.

Crabtree Tavern

The other day my friend Randy sent me a complaint about a sports bar called Crabtree Tavern in Raleigh.  He said there is never any hot girls there, only guy bartenders and some nerd waiter who only talks about Fantasy Football instead of doing his job.  These are all reasons Randy had to stay home and watch Playoff Football last weekend instead of on the big screens at a nice sports bar.  He put Danny on the case... and Danny never disappoints?

Sometimes It's the Little Things

I just overheard my boss use the phrase, "Off into the wild blue yonder."  I'm sorry, I didn't see your horse parked outside ma'am {as I remove my 5 gallon hat and duster}.  I believe the way it was used was, "Sometimes I think when I send you an email it just goes OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER."

She has True Grit...

FUD (Female Urination Device)

Yesterday my friend Justin sent me a link to a groundbreaking product for women called the Go-Girl, www.go-girl.com/ .  This device is so revolutionary that it is finally going to level the playing field for men and women and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Ladies... prepare to pee standing up!

Never again will you have to squat in front of chauvinistic males while they point and laugh at the way you relieve yourself.  Those men with their fresh knees from all that standing and peeing... it's just not fair.  Lets face it ladies, we need you to keep those knees in good working condition for those "other duties" we deem important that may "arise."

Girls, I know what your gonna say... "But Mr. Beasthammer you have no idea what it's like to be a woman and have to squat when you pee outdoors."  I say, you're right! I don't know what it's like to be a woman because I'm a man.  I like being a man... and I'm damn good at it.  However, I see your point.  I embrace those rare opportunities when I'm able to take a leak outdoors like the good lord intended it.  It makes me feel free.  There's no aiming necessary unless of course it is for an insect or target practice on random leaves.  There's no toilet seats to wipe down because your wife "thinks it's gross to sit on my stale urine" when it's her turn to use the bathroom.  Best of all, when you're really lucky and a slight easterly wind comes through and blesses you with a brief kiss on your junk-pile in such a way that it gives you goosebumps... it reminds you that everything is going to be OKAY.

I can also see where the Go-Girl is going to have other applications besides just being used for the outdoors.  In today's global economy the rise of "power hungry" women is escalating quickly. Nothing is going to help you break through that glass ceiling faster than having the ability to pee while standing up.  As men we know that most important business deals don't reach an agreement around the long board room table like they do in the movies.  These deals are sealed afterwards in the Men's Bathroom.  You follow Mr. Takahashi, the Sr. Director of Sony's Southeast Division into the bathroom and over to the urinals.  You take a stance directly next to him, place one hand flat against the wall and your other on your hip.  When you've completed 15% of your urination you turn your head to Mr. Takahashi, make eye contact and deliver you final pitch.  Be sure to maintain eye contact the whole time. This shows him you have confidence as well as unbelievable restraint not to look down at his business and see if what they say about Asians is true or not. When finished zip up, step back from the urinal and shake hands... do not wash them first (tip: guys never wash their hands after we pee, if anything we walk over to the counter and turn the water on performing a mock hand wash while we check our hair or tie knot).

In conclusion, Beasthammer strongly endorses the Go-Girl as well as woman's fight for equality.  If any women would like to give their feedback after using this product I think our readers would be very interested in hearing your story.

Don't Be Shy

Come on now boys and girls there has to be some business or company out there that has done you an injustice or perhaps you have a sh*tty neighbor that needs a good talkin' to.  Nothing makes Danny Copeland happier than being able to verbally assault people on your behalf.  Comment below outlining who Danny can write a letter to and why.

Gerber Follow Up

I received this reply from the Customer Service Department at Gerber.  John Boy please leave the information she is requesting so we can get this situation resolved.

My First Customer

A few days ago I posted a blog about writing angry business letters and requested that if anyone or any company has wronged you to let me know and I would send Danny Copeland on the case.  A received this request from John Boy:

"I've got one for you Mr. Hammer. I have an exceptionally nice pocket knife manufactured by Gerber. It has been very useful to me but after about 6 months of having it the clip came loose. It is pretty sorry engineering the way they designed it because it is only attached by 3 tiny screws that can only be tightened by an allen wrench of a size that cannot be found anywhere outside of the Gerber factory (about the size of a flea's ball hair). I sent my first one back to the company and they happily sent me a brand spankin' new one, in the box. Sweet deal because this is not a cheap blade. Well, about 5-6 months later the exact same thing happened again. Now, it was quite a hassle typing a letter and getting to the P.O. to send off the first one. Not to mention the cost of shipping and insuring the thing. I really don't want to go through the trouble again but I want a functionable knife. I wear it clipped on my back pocket so it has to have an adequate clip. Please have Danny reprimand them with the strong tongue that we all know he possesses. Below is an email address to send it to and link to said blade."

http://www.gerberstore.com/index.php?xpage=itempage&xid=1021

sales@gerberblades.com

Here is the letter that Danny sent to the Gerber Company...Angry Letter To Gerber

A Real American Hero

My friend Randy, who I have previously referred to as the Godfather of the Southeastern wave of Four Loko consumption, has once again raised the 'effin bar and continues to set the tone.  Driven by panic and fear due to the recent threats of Four Loko being pulled from the shelves, Randy was able to do a couple favors for a local convenient store owner (meaning HJ's and Buttsex) and was compensated with a giant case of Four Loko.  The pictures below depict just how dedicated to the cause Randy has become.  We need more soldiers like you out there in the field fighting the good fight. 

I especially like the fifth of Smirnoff tucked back in the corner being dwarfed by the almighty Four Loko.  I'm sure he will need that to chase down each sip of the watermelon flavored elixir. 

Angry Business Letters from Danny Copeland

Today I will begin accepting request from my readers to construct angry, yet tasteful, business letters directed at either a company or person that has wronged you in some sort of way.  I will have my alias Danny Copeland write the letters and your identity will be kept anonymous. Below is an example of a previous letter. If you would like to have Danny Copeland make someone feel like a complete jackass please leave a comment below outlining your request and appropriate contact info.

Example of Angry Business Letter

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny introduces his class to their new P.E. Teacher...

Kenny Powers: And please, please, please don’t let the fact that Ms. Carol is a lesbian put you off to her. You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians? There’s the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are hot, and then there’s the mean kind? Well, Ms. Carol is neither of those.

Beiber Fever

I've mentioned the great Justin Beiber on here a couple of times but only as a comparison to how awesome something is.  This might be taking it a little far though? My God that is an exceptional head of hair... the way it waves around the side of his head all the way from the back is simply remarkable.

Plan B

The other day I have to make a last minute trip up to the local pharmacy to pick up some "Plan B" emergency contraceptive for my wife.  I normally leave that kind of shopping up to the wife but lets face it... it was time for me to step up.  I definitely don't need any little snot machines crawling around my house slobbering all over my Playstation or knocking over my beer cans.  Plan B it is... I  make that uncomfortable walk to the pharmacy counter and rapidly but quietly eject the words "Plan B" out of mouth while awkwardly avoiding eye contact.  "No problem," he says and walks in the back.  By the time he returned I had already reached into my wallet and pulled out a crisp $20 bill and was soooo ready to complete this transaction.  He scans the box and says, "Thatta be $44.89 please."  It took a second for this to register, I was certain this wasn't going to cost over $13.  The rest of our transaction went something like this...

Beasthammer:  "Forty-Four dollars?! Hot damn son, that some expensive sh*t."
Pharmacist:  "Yep, this stuff isn't cheap."
Beasthammer:  "No kidding! What comes in the box, a new uterus?"
Pharmacist:  "[giggle] Maybe you ought to stick to 'Plan A' from now on."
Beasthammer:  "Ok?"

I paid and that was that but I am still not quite sure what he meant by Plan A... I mean, that could be any number of things.  Your comments are welcome.  

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I’m going to be signing a personalized head shot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask, is that you have your name prepared. Because I don’t wanna have to ask the same question 30 f*cking times.

Hoarders

The time is now sheeple... we must all come together, put aside our differences and unite.  As individuals we cannot accomplish what needs to be accomplished but as a team we can do the undreamable.  As one of my hero's Kenny Powers once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in c*nts so stop acting like little c*nts" and stockpile as much Four Loko as you can fit in your house.  Maybe even bury some in the ground.

The government is waging a war against young, smart and unbelievably attractive people such as yourself to stop you from being a consumer of Four Loko.  They want to tell me I can't get blackout drunk on Four Loko and piss myself but I'm allowed to buy a handle of tequila, pound it and expose myself in front of an elementary school lunch line. Hardly makes sense if you ask me.  4 or 5 states have already banned this drink and my guess is the rest will follow, except for maybe North Dakota and South Carolina, because... what else have they got, really? As your financial adviser and role model, I suggest that immediately following the reading of this article you invest heavily in Four Loko's publicly traded stock.  Ride the wave all the way to the bank baby because people are going to be buying this stuff up with the same reckless abandon as Justin Bieber CD's and wigs.

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I have been blessed with many things in this life – an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

Meaningless Texts

My friend Josh is a huge Dr. Dre fan and from time to time I like to direct a derogatory comment about Dr. Dre in his direction to see if I can fire him up.  Yesterday I was having a little down time so I decided to text him and see if he was up for a debate.  Yesterday's Match-up... Dr. Dre vs. Young Jeezy (I don't even like Young Jeezy that much by the way):

BeastHammer:  Young Jeezy would slay Doc Dre's buttpiece... Lyrically. He's a proletariat?
Josh:    Poet? And Doc Dre has people writing his lyrics because he's a boss... Grow up.
BeastHammer:  Jeezy is a trap-star.  Or trapster as you white people like to call it.  Dre is weak sauce and gay.
Josh:  Jeezy is like 90, riding anybody's d*ck he can to get a piece of the fame.  I'm sure he's hollerin at Dre trying to suck dat big ole black snake into submission.
BeastHammer:  The Snowman don't suck d*cks. He has people suck d*cks for him.
Josh:  What f*cking rapper calls himself the "snowman"? That sh*t just sounds soft as f*ck.  He should just call himself Marshmellow.
BeastHammer:  That's what I named my c*ck.  Jeezy is transcending the game.  Dre just does popcorn commercials.
Josh:  I thought you called your c*ck "chocolate thunder" cause its covered wit that doo doo baby! Anyways I'm over Dre it's Eminem nowadays.
BeastHammer:  Some fan you are.  I've stuck with Dre through the good and the bad.  We don't need fair weather fans like you anyways.
Josh:  F***************ccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk u
BeastHammer:  I will carry the flame
Josh:  You are the flame-r

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

 Life's lessons by Kenny Powers

Kenny Powers: "A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument."

Silent but Deadly

This past Monday night I was over at my friend Brent's house watching some football.  After a little while his Dad comes into the room and we all just sitting around bullsh*ting as usual when something must have sparked his Dad's memory prompting him to tell us an incredible tale. 

So the story goes that when he was a little bit younger him and some buddies were out camping, not because they are outdoors-men but because they wanted to get hammered drunk where there would be no witnesses and no rules.  I can only imagine the amount of Schlitz Malt Liquor and moonshine that was consumed that night.  The next morning Brent's Dad and a couple of them wake up feeling hungover and sick to their stomachs.  This is the point of the story where Brent's dad was faced with a crucial decision... does he go into the woods next to a tree and let nature take it's course or does he go over to his friend's tent while he is still sleeping, quietly unzip it and release some of the most deadliest flatulence ever recorded in history?  He wisely chooses option 2.  When finished, he zipped the tent door back up and him and his buddies stood there and waited for the show.

Minutes later they hear some rustling in the tent followed by the door trying to be unzipped with the kind of panic one only experiences during a gang rape.  Once he is finally free from the tent he hits the ground on his hands and knees and proceeds to vomit... over and over again... all while Brent's Dad and friends laughed their asses off.  I say, WELL DONE SIR.

Good Quote from The Departed

 ~ Alec Baldwin

"Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think, "At least somebody can stand the son of a bitch." Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work."

The Day Stick

As a high school summer job a couple of my friends and I worked for a swimming pool company and cleaned pools.  Also working there were a couple of middle aged guys that did all the maintenance repairs on the pumps and equipment.  You could just tell these two guys were lifers and they would always tell themselves little fairy tales of how they were going to become famous inventors and live the American dream.  They never really shared any of their inventions with us (probably because they thought we would steal their ideas) but there is one invention that I do remember hearing about...

DRUM ROLL...

THE DAY STICK.  The "day stick" was a device that was going to revolutionize the law enforcement industry.  This was going to be the greatest thing since the handcuff.  This idea they came up with based around one simple principle. It was going to be the opposite of the night stick.  Since a night stick was black, it was supposed to be used at night to camouflage with the dark night sky.  The day stick would be clear and it would be used... yep, you guessed it... during the day.  The unsuspecting criminals would never see it coming.  The cops could bludgeon people with stealth and precision thanks to this groundbreaking device.

This is a true story.  I can't make this stuff up.  The last I heard they were still trying to get their idea patented and still fixing pools.  Retarded.  

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

You catch my gal legs open betta smash that.
Don't be surprised if she ask where the cash at.
I see she wearing them jeans that show her butt crack.
My girls can't wear that. Why? That's where my stash at.
I put my mack down, that's where you lack at.
She needs her candle lit and I'ma wax that.

Self Promotion?

My friend Bill sent this email out this morning...

According to the CNN reporter, Four Loko is sweeping the nations college campuses.  I think when the reporter does a little digging, he or she will find that the only reason this drink has grown in popularity is because of the Beasthammer Blog.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/10/25/washington.students.overdose/index.html?hpt=T2

This prompted me to contact the author of this story (Alan Duke) at CNN and let him know that I am personally responsible for the Four Loko movement taking the east coast by storm, not only because I am deeply concerned by this but because I needed to do some self promoting.  This was easier said then done because I couldn't find an email address for Alan Duke anywhere on the web but I finally found his Facebook page and sent him a message including all of my links about Four Loko.  I expect a response from him shortly...

A Tribute to Four Loko

As much as it pains me to say it, I must admit that I'm getting the sense that readily available Four Loko may be moving towards extinction.  It seems like everyday there is a new headline in the news slandering Four Loko's good name.  Calling it "black out in a can," "meth in a can" and "Panamanian Punta Juice" are just some of the ridiculous names they use to put down this heavenly elixir.  

So what if weak ass college kids can't handle their booze.  How the hell is that my problem?  Those privileged kids with their skinny jeans and Justin Bieber  hair cuts either need to learn how to drink like adults or stop calling 911 when their pansy ass friends black out.  Four Loko is to be used as a supplement... of course you shouldn't drink 6 of them, that's not what they are for.  They are supposed to "supplement" your normal alcohol consumption not replace it.  Try using Four Loko as your go to pregame drink.  Then return to your beer and wine coolers for the 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th quarters. Perhaps use it as a quick pick-me-up during your lunch break. Most importantly though... DON"T BE A FAG.  Drink Four Loko responsibly and try not to ruin it for the rest of us.

Here are a few of the headlines as well as a montage of previous Four Loko post.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39835017/ns/us_news-life/

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/video/addiction-experts-concerned-about-four-loko-drink-11919626

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/caffeinated-booze-drugs-sickened-students-party/story?id=11965071

No Child Left Behind

My friend Elliot works for a company that goes around selling class rings and "what-nots" to schools.  With his love of "young women" this career path puts him in a compromising position... but, that's beside the point.
Yesterday he was in a school in South Carolina, just laying his mack down in the hallway,  when he stumbled across this snapshot of a wonderfully put together poster displaying the kind of forward thinking we can only pray our own children will have.  I mean really, all you can do is tip your hat to the "adults" in charge of molding young minds at this school.  Bravo! Is it just me or does the exclamation point look like a wiener?

                                                              Wrap it or Rap it?

Halloween Party

This past spring a group of us went to the a Habitat for Humanity Gala and after dinner there was a auction.  I thought I was ballin when I got a package for 3 rounds of golf but my friend Dave one-upped me when he got a catered party for 50 at an awesome house... like a wise man once said,  you can't out-pimp a pimp.

My friend Elliot sent out a Facebook Invitation to this party on Dave's behalf and then asked me if I could do a picture for the page.  Below is his description of the party from Facebook (which is pretty funny) and then my rendering of what such a party would end up looking like.

To celebrate the one year anniversary of Dave growing the creepiest mustache this side of Hitler, he decided to bid on a house at this year's Habitat for Humanity Auction so that all of his friends and family could share in remembering one of the more momentous battles in American History: Dave Swies vs. The Mach 3 (but not the battery powered one that's more useless than Iowa State football).

The house is phenomenal (heated pool, jacuzzi, pool house, on the lake, etc.) and the event is catered, so I'm going to need everyone to make sure Jason Lee puts on his big boy pants for this one. If he and Pope are near the pool they need to be wearing orange arm floaties at all times.

You can check out the house here:

http://www.marthagentry.com/idx/residential_detail.asp?MLS=138068

The schedule for the day is as follows:

Noon - College Football kickoff party. Keg beer will be provided with grilling being done by Dave's Dad, Mr. Mus Tache.

6 PM - Costume Party and catering service begin. Wine and Beer are included, liquor and Four Loko are not. However, it is strongly encouraged that you bring both.

10-11 PM - Shuttle service will be provided to downtown Southern Pines for everyone to continue in their pursuits of unlawful behavior.

For the fourth consecutive year Happy Ending gift bags will be provided by Ms. Angelina Leo. Lots of treat with very little trick (read: cold sores).

This is a no lose proposition for everyone. It's going to be a great time with friends, catering, shuttle service, and alcohol being provided by Dave, all for a good cause benefitting our local Habitat for Humanity.

Lots of Icy Hot

During my final semester at college I decided to leave my cozy restaurant job when one of my brother's friends approached me with a part time job I couldn't refuse.  He wanted me to be a spotter at the local cheer leading and gymnastics gym.  It paid pretty good and I figured it would be a cake job because all he told me I would have to do is stand around while him and the other coaches taught hour long classes.  I would just help spot the girls and make sure they didn't fall on their necks.

For the first two weeks that's exactly what happened... Girls from the ages of 5-18 would come in for their class and I would be the spotter while the other guys coached.  The problem was that not all the girls were technically gymnast and in typical gymnast shape, some of them were fatties and just taking the classes because their parents were making them.  Now I'm not a small guy but after the third day of spotting some of these hippos while they did back hand springs and cartwheels I could barely life my right arm.  It was so painful... I went home every night and lathered up in Icy Hot.  I was starting to wonder if I should have just stayed at my old job but after those first couple of weeks the pain went away and I found better ways to spot the heavies.  However, things were about to go from bad to worse because I was then told that they were short on instructors and I would teaching my own hour long classes... Those poor children.

Clearly I have no background in gymnastics and in no way am  I qualified to teach others... I can't even do a cartwheel and here I am coaching 5-18 year olds how to flip and tumble around.  I did what anyone would do and just starting winging it.  This worked for about a couple of weeks but then kids were starting to notice that I never demonstrated any of the moves the way the other coaches did.  I was a FRAUD... and these kids were on to me.  I would start to sweat and then mumble something about an old gymnastics injury to the part of the body required for the move.  The most uncomfortable thing about this was that they had a waiting room behind a glass wall where all the parents could watch their kids go through the class.  Kinda awkward... how could I look myself in the mirror every morning knowing I was a fake gymnast??  I eventually had to quit, the con was up. 

Our First Heist

After my first semester at East Carolina University I decided that all the hard work I was putting into my school work was making things a bit too easy.  Why not join a fraternity?  That should make keeping good grades just a touch more difficult... you know, really challenge me.  Well it did, actually it made school obsolete altogether because me and my other 6 pledge brothers spent the next three months getting yelled at and scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes.  I'll save you guys the play by play on my entire pledge period and skip right to the good stuff.. HELL WEEK.  This was the last week of our initiation and it was a very bad week.  On one of the last nights of hell week we were given a list and told we had 2 hours to complete a scavenger hunt of epic proportions.  I can't remember everything that was on the list but I do remember three of them... we had to bring back some form of roadkill, a nipple imprint in a fresh peanut butter jar from a sorority house and a yard gnome.  The first two were actually easier than I thought but the yard gnome turned out to be the hardest one.  Oh... by the way, we didn't actually get to see the act of imprinting the peanut butter.

So we're driving around for a while just looking in people's gardens for a yard gnome but we had no luck and we were running out of time.  We did not want to find out what our punishment would be if we failed to get one of the items so we decided to go to Wal-Mart and just buy one.  Turns out those little sumbitches are expensive! That's when my friend Morgan came up with plan B.  The garden section of this Wal-Mart was outside and Morgan assured us he could just walk over there, grab the gnome and casually walk back to the car with it.  The perfect crime.  Time was running out, I was driving so I figured what the hell, I would just haul ass if he got caught.  Well... he did get caught... BY A COP!  As soon as he grabs the gnome a cop is patrolling around the parking lot and sees the burglary in process.  Morgan (being level headed) sees the cops and instead of putting the gnome down and walking away he panics and takes off running to our vehicle.  It was like watching a mix between the  Special Olympics of and Oceans 11 because Morgan was wearing Birkenstock sandals and was having trouble keeping stride to say the least.

I am starting to freak out at this point because the cop is turning around in the parking lot to come after him so I start slowly pulling off while one of the guys in the back opens the door.   Morgan finally catches up, throws the gnome in the back and jumps in and I immediately slam on the gas and head out of the parking lot and into the street.  I am a terrible get away driver and I just start making turns at every street that comes up.  I guess it worked though or the cop just never followed us.  Either way the mission was a huge success and Morgan was our little hero. 

When Drinking 4 Loko Goes Wrong...

Sometime a couple weeks ago while I was doing posts on 4 Loko my sister sent me the picture that is below of her boyfriend Russ showing off their bounty.  When I got that picture I immediately said she better have a good story for my blog the next morning... well she did... except I wasn't allowed to hear about it.  I believe her exact words when I asked her how the night went were, "It was terrible, I don't think Russ and I are together anymore."  : (

I almost felt partly responsible for the collapse of such a special bond, then I remembered Beasthammer can not be held responsible for anything that is taken from my blog.  Russ told me he drank one 4 Loko and my sister got the charge of finishing the other two which turned out to be the perfect recipe for disaster.  I am not entirely sure of the complete sh*t show that took place but what I have gathered from the two is that Russ' prized fish was almost killed when my sister knocked over and shattered a fish tank in the apartment.  I am told that both the fish and their relationship are on the road to recovery.  Never underestimate the Devil's Juice.

The Blow Starter

This story always reminds me of some good awkward moments.  Shortly after being apprehended for driving under the influence I was convicted and sentenced to a one year suspension of my driver's license.  Since I was a first time offender and refused to ride around on a moped (or as I like to call them "liqour-cicles") the judge was kind enough to grant me permission to drive me car during this year under one condition... I had to have a breathalyzer installed in my car.  Ok, a bit much for a first time offender like myself but it's nothing I can't handle.  I was wrong. 

Even though being convicted of a DUI had deterred me from drinking and driving, it had not stopped me from drinking... I just had to find rides now.  Well this turned out to be a problem in itself because I still had to be at work by 9 am which meant I had "blow start" my car sometime around 8:30.  I can't even tell you how many times I would fail the breathalyzer before work from drinking the night before.  Keep in mind these devices are sensitive to alcohol and will even detect small traces of mouthwash.  At the time I didn't know how high my alcohol content was each time I failed but it only had to be .01%.  When you failed it would lock you out for 30 minutes and then you could try again.  One morning went like this... failed at 8:30, went back inside, waited an hour, failed again, called in sick to work, tried again around 10:30 because i wanted to go get breakfast, failed again, waited three more hours, tried to go to lunch and failed AGAIN.  You have to take your car to the Breathalyzer company every 2 months so they can get an activity report on your box.  It wasn't till then that I could see the print out of all my failed attempts.  Wow... on that particular day I just mentioned I failed to start my car at 1:30 pm with a B.A.C. of .07% (.08% being the legal limit for those of you that live under a rock).  .07%  at 1:30 the next day... now that's getting after it son!  I would have to blame that period of my life on my favorite whiskey Ol' Grandad. 

Oh,  not only did the breathalyzer in the car really cramp my style because of the reasons I just stated... it also looked like I was passing out blow jobs if anyone was ever riding with me.  Cheers!

Used Car Salesman

Danny Copeland is back at it again.  I thought it would be fun to mess around with a car salesman... I actually ended up getting a sales-woman who was a good sport.  I didn't really get any closure to this email thread because she apparently passed it along to her sales manager who I know personally so I had to abort...

Danny:

Hello,

I believe I saw a PT Cruiser for sale on your lot today... by any chance would that happen to be a convertible?  It's for my wife. 

Thanks, 

Danny Copeland

Saleslady:

From: ******************
To: COPELANDDANNY24@YAHOO.COM
Sent: Wed, August 4, 2010 6:32:13 PM
Subject: RE: A message from ************* 

          Hi Danny,

Sorry I missed you already at the office. 

The PT is not a convertible.  However, we do have a 2003 Mitsubishi eclipse spyder convertible!  Its priced under 9k.
Do you want to come by and take a test drive?

Danny:

From: Danny Copeland

To: ************************

Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2010 1:52 PM

Subject: Re: A message from ****************

Rachael, thank you for your help.  As I mentioned before the PT Cruiser was supposed to be for my wife as a birthday gift next week but as of last night we are no longer together.  I won't bore you with the details Rachael but lets just say it was a nasty little fight and there is not a chance in (you know where) that I'll be purchasing her a car.  However, I must say I am slightly intrigued with the notion of zooming around in a hot little convertible sports car especially while I am on the rebound. 

Could you please send me some more information on this vehicle?  I might also be interested in a test drive if the mileage and color are to my liking. 

Regards,
Danny Copeland

Saleslady:

From: ******************To: Danny Copeland
Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 2:44:50 PMSubject: Re: A message from **************

Hi Danny,

Well, thank you for the giggle this morning.  Although I am sorry to hear about the outcome I am impressed with how you are carrying yourself so far :)  Love the positive attitude !

So, here you go, a hot little sportscar to make the x's jealous and the future's interested...

2003 model in white with 86k miles.  Leather, keyless entry, power package, v6, bucket seats in the front, and a clean history.

The boss wants retail value at $10,580. 

I discounted it down to $8,980 for you.  I will honor that price, just let me know when or if you are coming by. 

Hey, good luck to you.  I hope you enjoy your newfound freedom. 

Question:  Would buying the car have stopped the fight? 

Danny:

From: Danny Copeland
To: *******************Sent: Thu, August 5, 2010 3:56:23 PMSubject: Re: A message from ******** Automotive

Rachael,
Thank you for your kind words, I believe a pep talk was in order after what I've been through over the past 24 hours.  To answer your question, I don't think buying her the car would have stopped the fight.  Perhaps only a muzzle or a heavy, bat-shaped piece of wood could have ended that nightmare.  She actually broke my DVR last night... MY DVR! Who does that?? I had 6 hours worth of Shark Week on there... I just don't understand women I guess.

I would love to set up a time for a test drive although today may not work out so well since I've spent the last 4 hours chasing a worm down a tequila bottle over at Applebee's and I'm in no shape to drive. How does tomorrow sound? I really like the car but now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't upgrade to something a little more nicer? Maybe put a nice little dent in our joint checking account before that witch tries to take it all.  Would that be a possibility? 

Here I go rambling on again about stuff you don't care about.  Sorry Rachael, I know you are just trying to sell cars but it has been nice to vent a little.  Let me know what's a good time to come by tomorrow.

My Best,
Danny Copeland

Then I get this email from the Sales Manager:

Subject: 2005 CHRYSLER P.T. CRUISER
From: "*******" <******@******automall.com>
Date: Fri, August 6, 2010 6:03 pm
To: COPELANDDANNY24@YAHOO.COM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
Mr. Copeland,

I sent you an email yesterday to let you know that the contact number we had for you was incorrect. In the meantime, actually, I traded last night for a 2005 Chrysler P.T. Cruiser Convertible Day Dreamer GT. The car is a 1 owner vehicle! It has been kept in immaculate shape. If you knew the owner you would understand why! He is very particular about his vehicles. I definitely think this might be the PERFECT VEHICLE that you have been looking for! Please call me when you get a chance to let me go over this car with you! My cell number is ***** and my work number is *******. Please leave a message if I do not answer, and I will be sure to get back with you as soon as i can! I look forward to talking with you!

*******
******* Nissan
Sales Manager

I guess Rachael didn't want to make the sale : (