Chamber of Commerce

These came in the mail yesterday... was thinking about taking a stack down to the local Chamber of Commerce and seeing if I could increase the flow of traffic. Does anybody recognize the phone number on the card?

New T Shirt

This is my new T Shirt design, I think it would be the jump off if people got to pick their favorite picture to have on their own shirt.

   
   

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Novelty Item?

Okay, so this is one of my favorite stories and  probably one of the most embarrassing ones... hope you all enjoy and please, NO JUDGING.

The Setup:  When I was a freshman or sophomore in college I participated in a "Dirty Santa" gift exchange and most of the gifts were sex toys and things like that. Well I proudly ended up with a "novelty" male enhancement pump... now I use the word novelty not only because it was on the box but because it was in fact not meant to actually work but to be strictly a gag gift.  Well screw that I was gonna try it anyway... and...nothing. Didn't work.  Maybe some pain and redness but it was not at all a productive piece of equipment.  Don't ask me why, but I ended up taking it home with me to my parents house the next weekend and somehow threw away the pump but not the box.  The pump was just plastic, I could smash it up and it wouldn't be noticed but the box was very graphic and I did not want that to be seen in the trash.  So I stuffed it in an old toy chest I had from when I was a kid in the very back of my closet. By the way, the name of this pump was The Fireman and it actually had a picture of a fireman using the pump on the front of the box. 

The Failure:  I'm not sure how much time had passed but I think it was close to 2 years.  I'm coming into town from college for the weekend with my roommate Brad to visit my parents, my sister and my niece & nephew.  The two of us walk in and immediately see my sister who says, "How's it going? We're just in your room cleaning out your old toy chest so the kids can put some of their toys in it. Hope that's okay?" It hits me like a ton of bricks and I want to vomit and run as far away as I can.  Maybe I still had time? Nope, she's got this look on her face that tells me that she has already found unthinkable.  "Of course that's fine, do you need any help," I say... trying to play it off but obviously sweating. At this point Brad has no idea why this conversation is so awkward.  My sister leaves into my room for 5 seconds and returns holding the box for The Fireman and waving it in the air for us to see. Brad just stared at me with a look of astonishment... or perhaps disgust.  Maybe he was just mad that I didn't share the wealth?

My sister forgave me but probably still thinks I'm a dirt-bag even after I tried to explain the situation, which is not a very easy situation to explain when you have a naked fireman pointing his pump at you.  Moral of the story... I'm not sure.

New Contributor

My friend Stephen sent this in to me while he was in the middle of some continuing ed for his real estate license with his three coworkers.  I have to say I was impressed with his level of talent and the amount of time he spent on this on not paying attention to the instructor. 

The Future of BeastHammer

Just wanted to let everyone know about the future holds for BeastHammer, LLC.  First off, I am happy to announce that I have secured the rights to the domain www.beasthammer.com.  The site is currently under construction but I will be moving away from the blogoshpere and into the world wide web.  Exciting stuff...  

After School Special

When I was about 15, I met my good friend Randy.  He was a senior in high school and I was a freshman, it was your typical storybook bromance.  I remember during that summer Randy used to come pick me up and we'd ride around in his truck go through our little routine.... now in our careers we either hadn't started drinking yet or it was very little if we did.  So our routine consisted of riding to McDonalds (windows down blasting Notorious BIG) and  we'd each order the #1 and an Ice Cream Sundae, mine with nuts his without.  Then we would continue our rebel streak down at the local gas station where we would pick up a pack of Black-N-Milds cigars.  Randy only had two rules when it came to his truck... 1) Never... I repeat Never leave rap music in CD player.  Just in case his dad happened to drive his truck.  I suppose his dad frowned upon such things, and 2) there is no smoking in the truck.  So I don't know why but the spot we picked to always smoke our black-n-milds was a park bench in front of playground... to make this story even creepier we always took our shirts off so our clothes wouldn't smell like the cigars when we got home to our parents.  BAD... ASS...

** Disclosure** BeastHammer does not use nor do I support the use of tobacco products.

Text From Last Night

I know, I know... I'm biting off of the popular website "Text From Last Night" with this one but it was literally a text from last night that cannot be disregarded.   Allow me to set this up for you.  This past Friday I went out with my friends and ended up sleeping at my friend Nick's house.  I wake up really early in the morning feeling horrible and immediately have to run to the bathroom (the library as I like to call it) and conduct my business.  One small problem...  the toilet paper supply in this bathroom was non existent.  Now, here is the exact text from last night to my friend Nick word for word.

Me:  Remember that time I had to wipe with a hand towel?  Those were the days?
Nick:  First of all, that needs to be on the Beasthammer tomorrow!  Second, Gross!
Nick:  (13 minutes later) Third, that was 4 days ago!
Nick:  (10 hrs 54 minutes later) Fourth, you threw the towel out in the waste basket in the bathroom!

Ahhh, its really the little things in life that keep us going.  I'm going to refrain from doing any artwork related to this matter for obvious reasons.  The best part, nobody was awake for me to tell them about it so they found out about an hour later when the dog was walking around the kitchen with the towel in his mouth after digging through the trash can.  I was forced to confess.  At least I went the gentleman's route and didn't try to flush it causing an even bigger disaster.
Ok, I lied about the artwork, I couldn't resist.

Epic Moment in BeastHammer History

I don't want to jinx myself but today could be the day that my site goes over 1,000 visits.  This is not how many times the page has been viewed but rather the amount of "first time visitors" plus "returning visitors" (only counted once per day) that have checked out the site. 

As a side note when "beasthammer" is entered into a Google search my Facebook page was the 2nd result.  

 As I wipe away the single tear rolling down me cheek I would like to thank all of you for your commitment as fans to my blog and your willingness to overlook some of my more obscene moments on this blog.

My First Night in Prison

Ahhh... this is probably one of my fondest memories.  I'm not sure if it was the orange flip flops, the green jump suit or the prison issued whitey tighties but something about this night always brings on the goosebumps.

During my last semester at college I was right in the middle of a typical Friday night, boozin it at some bar downtown when for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to walk back to my fraternity house which was probably a mile away.  My first mistake was walking there by myself and my second mistake was leaving the bar angry. Can't remember why I was angry but it's irrelevant.  After I had stumbled about halfway there my anger had risen to unsafe levels and I came across a street sign that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The second my death grip had a hold of that steel pole I realized something that would forever change my life... I possessed "retard strength" when I was this drunk... and lots of it.

After I'd shaken the pole loose and pulled it from the earth I suddenly hear cheers coming from a group of kids walking about 50 yards behind me.  What's that?  You want a show?  I'll give you an effin show!  I lift up the street sign like a javelin and launched it into the middle of the road.  [MORE CHEERS]  It felt like a scene from the movie Gladiator... the crowd wanted more, who was I to let them down?  So like a dumbass I run out into the middle of the street and kick the sign... only this time there were no cheers.  I turned around to see why I've disappointed my fans only to find that there is a cop standing there with them asking if I was part of their group.  They of course sold me out and before I knew what was going on I was in handcuffs trying to explain that I didn't do anything wrong. The cop had a digital camera in her hand that she'd taken from one of the kids and showed me a picture of myself with my leg in the air kicking the sign.  Technology can be a bitch sometimes.  

The SHOCKER

So over the weekend I was hanging out with the two co-owners of P&B Farms, Inc. that were referenced on some of my earlier posts in "The Cow Chronicles."  One of them (B) tells me about the time he had to sit and watch the other one (P) artificially inseminate one of the cows.  I can just picture B sitting there gagging while P does all the actual work...

Possible company slogan: "Single HANDEDLY making cow babies since '94 ... So YOU don't have to."

Horseshoes & Hand Grenades

I know this doesn't really go with whatever kind of theme I may have had so far on this blog, which according to my friend J.R., is quickly turning into the "piss & sh*t blog."  It is a Microsoft Paint picture though and I thought this might help steer this blog in a more "positive" direction.  As an Easter gift my wife got me a Horseshoe set so I've spent the morning here at work designing my horseshoe pit.  Now all I need is wood, a saw and someone besides me to build it.

Pet Peeve of the Day

There is a lady here at work and lets say she is in her late 40's early 50's.  She is an old "country girl" who likes to talk to all the other women here at work like she is a 14 year old black girl... when she talks like this it literally makes me feel sick and I have to stop what I'm working on to chew it back.  Here are some of her quotes, see if you recognize a pattern:

"Heeeey Guuuuuuurl!"
"Ok sounds good gerr-friend!"
"Shoooot, you know I like me some sweet tea gerr-friend!"

She is making me use all my sick days.

Confirmation

This is a revisit of the 4th installment of the Tiny Bladder Chronicles:

For those of you who need reminding this story involved a bunch of us camping at the beach and one of our friends "wetting the bed" inside the tent while we slept.

Turns out my buddy Randy had actual photos from this trip that documented this horrible event.  I felt this was a perfect opportunity to share those pictures with you and let you know that this stuff does actually happen. BeastHammer would never lie to his fans.  Enjoy...

This photo reminds me of simpler times...

Karma??

Disaster has struck!  Right here in the employee bathroom... all this talk about bladder chronicles and deuce chronicles has come back to bite me in the ass.  Ten minutes ago I'm using the bathroom here at work and somehow I broke concentration only for a moment... but a moment was all it took.  Don't ask me how but I accidentally peed over the edge of the toilet bowl and all over the back of my pants and underwear. 

I am cursed.  What an odd place to have a wet spot not to mention that uncomfortable wet feeling I'm having sitting in my office chair as I write this.

It'll dry...?

The Tar River

My brother lives in Eastern North Carolina and his house is close to the Tar River. This is an actual river, look it up.  So he invites me, my mom and a couple of my friends down on a Saturday to go out on his boat for the day.  We decided to leave Saturday morning because we wanted to stay in town Friday night and drink... a lot.  Needless to say we had a tough time just getting to my brother's the next morning not to mention I decided to bring my good friend BG (Bubble Guts) to the party.

Everything was going according to plan.  We had been on river wake boarding and tubing for a couple of hours and I remember sitting in a chair on the back of the boat watching one of my friends prepare to ski when I was instantly struck with some of the worst stomach cramps I'd ever had.  I immediately started sweating and looking for an exit plan.  The Tar river is such that it does not have any shallow shores and is mostly lined with jagged tree trunks so there was no hiding out in the woods. At this point it was either go in my bathing suit or jump in the water.  I headed to the front of the boat, jumped off and reached up to hang from the front railings before anyone knew what was going on.  While I'm hanging there in the water with my shorts down and my knees raised up I remember thinking, "Oh it'll just sink to the bottom."  I couldn't have been more wrong... the opposite happened and next thing I know I'm surround by BG and all his dirty friends. 

At this moment everyone figures out what is going on and the look of disgust and amazement on their faces will haunt me forever. It looked like a shark attack scene from Jaws except the water was not red it was brown.  Keep in mind my mother was on the boat the whole time. True Story.  Better out than in I always say. 

Without a Paddle

Over the weekend I saw my friend Elliot at the bar and he tells me our friend Dave had a little adventure of his own a few days ago while he was on a job interview in New York.  I'm not sure of the exact time line but sometime while he was there he had to go "No.2" in his hotel bathroom.  Midway through the process he decided to give himself a little courtesy flush... mayhem ensues.

The toilet is somehow backed up already and the water began to slowly rise.  Dave's a gambling man so he decided he would stay put and wait this one out.  No way it could overflow on the first flush right? Wrong... as the water reached the top of the bowl he noticed that his little floating friend had also joined the party.  I believe his actually words at this point of the story were, "it just canoed over top like a waterfall, right into my dress pants."  Those pants did not make the trip home, he said he left the soiled threads laying on the bathroom floor for some unsuspected maid to deal with.  Could be the beginning of the Deuce Chronicles? I hope not.

Small Talk of the Day

It was raining this morning when I came into work today, which for me makes it a crappy Monday but for the "small talk experts" of the office it gives them an arsenal of talking points to get through the day...

"I don't care much for the rain today but we shore did need it."
This rain makes me sleepy, I could have just stayed in the bed this morning."

Now all the sudden everyone is an amateur meteorologist:

"You know they say we 'sposed to get scattered showers till lunch."
"They say that warm front is gonna be pushing in some of that rain from the north."

GIVE ME A BREAK SKANKY McSKANKLESONS... it's called WEATHER!  It happens every single day and everyone who has looked out the window or stuck their head out the door knows about it.  You aren't on the front lines of some kind of weather revolution, nobody's waiting on your groundbreaking forecast to plan their day... get back to work.

Pain in the Ass

Again I would like to apologize for the lack of posting over the last week.  My company has me training on some new software and it unfortunately does not include exploring the joys of Microsoft Paint.

It has literally been a pain in the ass and has caused me to let down the 2 or 3 of you that are daily followers.

Brent sent me this today to let me know what he thought about my training and apparently what he thinks about my body... hence the mullet, beer gut and bitch titties. Thanks?

Neighborhood Crime Watch

This past Friday some friends and I were hanging out at my friend Nick's house before dinner.  Nick ended up having to leave about 30 minutes before dinner to meet some friends and left the 3 of us at his house.  Nick was very adament about telling us to lock up... whatever we did make sure we locked all the doors before we left.  That was his first mistake... it was like a big softball toss... we had to screw with him now. His second mistake, obviously, is having friends like us.

I decided we should stage a robbery in his house. We started by flipping over some cushions and making a mess.

We then took his giant flatscreen TV down from the entertainment center and hid it behind the bed in his bedroom and in its place I put a drawing of a TV on a sheet of paper.

I wasn't there to see it, but I heard he cussed a lot when he got home drunk at 2am.

Hang in there?

This is one of the rare times when I actually have some important work to do.  I'm in training all of this week and may find it difficult to erect a microsoft paint masterpiece. BeastHammer hasn't forgotten about you...

New Employee

I guess this is Brent's way of telling me he wants on the payroll...

Another Level?

It seems like the only next logical step for BeastHammer, LLC is to diversify the company. I figure Microsoft Paint can only take me so far into the 21st Century...

I will now be taking my slice of the merchandise market.  I just need to figure out how to get my product to the fans.  I will be in the think-tank over the weekend figuring out a solution. Comments are welcome.

Pet Peeve of the Day

Constantly bringing pictures of your "Grandbaby" to work and making sure you take it around to every person's desk to gauge their reactions.

I can't stand this.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no baby-hater but it's one thing to have the picture sitting on your desk and it's another to go around shoving it in people's faces.  I get it, you're proud of your offspring but I don't need to see her weekly glamour shots you have taken down at "The Walmart" with that shitty blue/stonewashed backdrop curtain.

I actually heard someone down the hall say, "Oh look... she's got your hair!"  Really?  You can tell that the 3 month old partially bald baby has her grandmother's hair?  really?


Here is the backdrop I'm refering to...

Doughnuts Anyone?

I just love watching the ladies at work squirm... It's wrong on so many levels but it just feels so right.  It's almost just worth it to hear the failed attempts at trying to talk themselves out of it.

"Oh I really shouldn't, I was trying to be good this week..."
"Are they the ones with the plain glaze or chocolate? Cuz if they're the plain ones I can have a couple."
"Uh oh, these are gonna go straight to my hips..."
"Maybe I shouldn't, it's almost swimsuit season."

An Entire Tree?

So there's a copier/printer in my office and it has been running non stop since I came into work this morning.  The intern that works for my boss and I has been constantly reloading BOTH paper trays so I finally asked him what the hell he was printing.  He told me that my boss asked him to print out a report for her (I won't bore you with specifics) but the this is a report she can view on the computer without printing it out.  The intern told me my boss said it hurt her eyes to look it on the computer and that she'd rather look at the  "hard copy."  Who does that?! It's not even printed on front and back.  He said it was 1,600 pages! This picture is just part of it... as you can see it is still printing more... what a effin barbarian.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Brent wanted me to post this little good luck charm from him.  He says he's part Irish and he drinks a lot so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now get out there and make a tiny bladder chronicle of your own.

Tiny Bladder Chronicles pt. 4

This is actually a Tiny Bladder Chronicle that does not belong to me, however I was at the scene of the crime.  To set this up there were about 4 of us at Wrightsville Beach visiting our friend Randy.  We were out on the beach drinking the entire day and when the sun started to go down we decided that we didn't want the party to end.  Randy got this great idea that he would run back to his house and grab a tent so we could camp out and continue to drink on the beach.  Everything went according to plan until about 8:00 am the next morning...

We had all passed out in the tent but when a couple of us woke up we felt like we were in a sauna... the tent was so hot and humid and was we were sweating profusely... my clothes were even a little damp.  We got out of the tent and left the other two asleep while we tried to get some fresh air.  After a few minutes we returned back to the tent to wake Brent and Randy up so we could leave and that's when we saw the golden shower.  Brent was laying belly down in a giant pool of his own urine.  Matter of fact it was completely covering the bottom floor of the tent.  My clothes were not damp because of sweat, we had all been laying in Brent's piss in that tiny tent.  This picture is compliments of Brent. 

Mullet Follow-Up

A friend of mine sent this to me when he found out I was serving up homemade hair cuts at my house.  My mullet was not even close to being this bad ass but you gotta start somewhere. 

Anybody Need the Time?

This is just a little verification on some of my earlier postings.  To be fair I had another watch out in my car that didn't make the lineup. 

Oh, and you're eyes aren't deceiving you... the watch on the top row 2nd from the left is a Casio Calculator watch. You're welcome ladies...

Pet Peeve of the Day

Monday Morning Small Talk...

Alice from accounting:  "Hey BeastHammer, how was your weekend?!"

BeastHammer:  "Oh pretty good Alice, how was yours?"

Alice from accounting: "It was great, but it was just toooooo short." [giggle]

BeastHammer: [pause... cringe... look down at my keyboard... then direct eyes to the ceiling while inhaling slowly and force myself to crack a smile] "Yeah... you're right, they just aren't long enough..." [face palm]

** If you don't have nor to you intend to have anything productive to say please do not talk to me **