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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Novelty Item?

Okay, so this is one of my favorite stories and  probably one of the most embarrassing ones... hope you all enjoy and please, NO JUDGING.

The Setup:  When I was a freshman or sophomore in college I participated in a "Dirty Santa" gift exchange and most of the gifts were sex toys and things like that. Well I proudly ended up with a "novelty" male enhancement pump... now I use the word novelty not only because it was on the box but because it was in fact not meant to actually work but to be strictly a gag gift.  Well screw that I was gonna try it anyway... and...nothing. Didn't work.  Maybe some pain and redness but it was not at all a productive piece of equipment.  Don't ask me why, but I ended up taking it home with me to my parents house the next weekend and somehow threw away the pump but not the box.  The pump was just plastic, I could smash it up and it wouldn't be noticed but the box was very graphic and I did not want that to be seen in the trash.  So I stuffed it in an old toy chest I had from when I was a kid in the very back of my closet. By the way, the name of this pump was The Fireman and it actually had a picture of a fireman using the pump on the front of the box. 

The Failure:  I'm not sure how much time had passed but I think it was close to 2 years.  I'm coming into town from college for the weekend with my roommate Brad to visit my parents, my sister and my niece & nephew.  The two of us walk in and immediately see my sister who says, "How's it going? We're just in your room cleaning out your old toy chest so the kids can put some of their toys in it. Hope that's okay?" It hits me like a ton of bricks and I want to vomit and run as far away as I can.  Maybe I still had time? Nope, she's got this look on her face that tells me that she has already found unthinkable.  "Of course that's fine, do you need any help," I say... trying to play it off but obviously sweating. At this point Brad has no idea why this conversation is so awkward.  My sister leaves into my room for 5 seconds and returns holding the box for The Fireman and waving it in the air for us to see. Brad just stared at me with a look of astonishment... or perhaps disgust.  Maybe he was just mad that I didn't share the wealth?

My sister forgave me but probably still thinks I'm a dirt-bag even after I tried to explain the situation, which is not a very easy situation to explain when you have a naked fireman pointing his pump at you.  Moral of the story... I'm not sure.


nathan said...

Its not mine..... (in austin powers british voice)

Anonymous said...

G. Elliot Griffin has left a new comment on your post "Novelty Item?":

hahaha great story man, way to keep it real! i also have a small penis, a very small penis as a matter of fact. i have a carolina blue pump that has a very small hole custom made to fit me, which is pretty nice. it does help a little and in my case every little bit helps. i dont get laid much these days but i still use it to get all "swole" for my carolina blue flesh-light, which always makes for a crazy night! well anyways just hit me up if u need to borrow it sometime!
ps: its so crazy we lived together and u never said anything about having a small penis too! soooo much in common its crazy!

Posted by G. Elliot Griffin to How to Pass Time at Work at April 28, 2010 5:41 PM

Anonymous said...

i now have offically lifted my boycott of beasthammer due to the reposting of "Elliot's" comment!

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