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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Taxicab Confessions

Some of the stories I've put on this blog are from stories some of my friends will bring up during casual conversation.  They don't necessarily mean for it to be the focal point of the story they are telling me at the time but I immediately pick up a detail here and there and have to reverse engineer the actual story I want to hear.  This next post is no exception and the things that happen in my friends lives never ceases to amaze me.

Due to the content of this post I promised that I would leave names out to protect the innocent... all names used going forward will be aliases.  So, I'm riding around with Burt the other day and we are on our way to the bar when we pass a gas station on our right.  I'm not really paying attention but Burt looks out the window and says, "Hey, that's that creepy cab driver that tried to molest D-Money over there gassing up." And then without skipping a beat he asks, "So what bar are we headed to?"  I almost wrecked into a tree as my feeble brain tried to digest the information it was just fed.  "Whoa whoa whoa," I said.  "What the hell did you just say?" Burt then repeats himself and proceeds to tell me a dynamite story that I immediately knew had to be shared with you guys...

Apparently a couple of weeks ago D-Money and his girlfriend Janet were on their way home from the bar after drinking copious amounts of hard liquor and decided to jump into a cab.  Smart move? We shall see...  They both get in the back and order the driver to deliver them to their house but once they get around the block Janet suddenly remembers that she left her phone at the bar and gets the cab to turn around and head back.  Once they are back in front of the bar Janet jumps out to run inside leaving a highly inebriated D-Money in backseat of the cab.  At this point the cab driver and D-Money are engaged in small talk (which I will get to later) while waiting on Janet to get back.  All of the sudden, the driver turns in his seat creating the perfect angle for him to reach back and rub D-Money's cock piece. I'll give you a second to let that sink in...

That's right.  The cab driver actually turned around, reached back and began fondling D-Money's junk box. Now that's a ballsy move. This obviously doesn't last very long before D-Money squirms and smacks the cabbie's hand telling him, "NO! I don't roll like that dude!"  The driver obeys his customer's wishes and turns back around and acts like nothing happened.  Seconds later Janet gets back in the cab and at this point the awkward silence is palpable.  She looks at D-Money and asks, "What's wrong?"  "Nothing," he replies with a look of shame and shattered dreams that can only be duplicated by a single mother rape victim on a cheesy Lifetime Channel movie Then, the cab driver takes them home.  They pay and that is that.  End of story.   After Burt told me all of this I asked why didn't D-Money scream rape or punch the guy or try to run?  Burt said he asked him the same question and his response was, "I don't know man, I was drunk as shit and he really didn't touch it all that long anyway."

Wow.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this very important part of the puzzle... D-Money said he was wearing sweat pants that night which really puts into context just how personal this encounter was.

As promised, this is just my interpretation of the small talk and awkward moments leading up to "The Incident."
Cabbie:  Hey man, nice night huh?
D-Money:  Uh, yeah dude, I guess. Hey, can I smoke in here?
Cabbie:  No smoking buddy, sorry.  But... I can touch your cock for you if you want.
D-Money:  Oh ok - WAIT, what did you just say?
Cabbie:  I said, I will touch your cock if you want me to.
D-Money:  Uh no dude, please don't touch my cock.
Cabbie:  Are you sure?
D-Money:  Yeah man, I'm sure.  Don't touch my cock.
 Cabbie:  No? Well I'm gonna touch it anyway. 

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