Search This Blog


View My Stats

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Monday Morning Bidet

I realize that this topic is not as tasteful as some of you may be hoping for but I felt it needed to be shared never the less.  Please allow me to take you on a magical journey through with a timeline of consumption for an average "slightly un-classy" male for a typical weekend.

Let us begin with Thursday...  regardless of whether you work on Fridays your weekend will at least mentally begin shortly after 5 pm on Thursday.  You leave work and in one way or another you celebrate the fact that you've managed to once again fool other grown ups into thinking you actually give a damn about your job for 4 days in a row... and why shouldn't you?  It's no easy task.  So you extend happy hour a few hours on Thursday not worrying about if you're going to be hung over at work tomorrow or not because it's Friday... and nobody really does shit on Friday's anyway so there's no reason why you can't spend the final 8 hours of your week doing your usual Facebook Creepin' routine with a hangover.  Now it's time for lunch and time for you to really start punishing your body.  What's that? Mexican for lunch with the boys?  Why the hell not, it's Friday isn't it?  You ate salad and tuna sandwiches all week trying to trick your body into thinking you aren't a disgusting bastard... you've earned this lunch.

4:45 pm rolls around and you find a way to sneak out early, stop by the gas station, pick up a case of Busch Light and a bag of TGI Friday's Bacon 'n Cheddar Potato Skins.  You head home and immediately start swallowing these products at an alarming rate until it's time to take a shower and head out to meet your Friday night associates who have no doubt been doing the exact same thing.  You get to dive bar and don't want to ruin your buzz with one of their big greasy hamburger platters so you wisely opt for a dozen wings with extra ranch and a side of fried pickles. You're no amateur...  Now you continue to slurp down dollar drafts mixed with shots of yager at 10 minute intervals.  You then go home, pass out, wake up the next morning and head down to the local Mac's Breakfast Anytime joint with whoever happens to have slept on your couch and recliners.  Here you decide to order the "Farmer's Breakfast" or sampler plate if you will and before the waitress walks off to put in your order you say, "Oh yeah, can I also get a side of corn beef hash with that?"  Of course you can good sir!

The rest of your Saturday consumption goes exactly like Friday with the exception that you don't have to wait unit 5 o'clock to start drinking now.  Before you know it you are right in the middle of your Sunday with a horrible hangover that can only be cured by Gatorade and comfort food (ie. left over pizza and Moose Tracks ice cream).  When Monday morning rolls around you feel a little groggy so you unfortunately decide to have that second giant cup of coffee and I think we all know what happens next...  you briskly waddle down the hall to the employee bathroom giving handshakes and smiling nods to everyone you pass and they have no idea what is happening to your body from the belly button down.  You make it into the bathroom, lock the door, say a quick prayer and turn the water on even though you know there is not a chance in hell a steady stream of water is going to mask this nuclear flashback of your entire weekend that you are about to give birth to anally.  This is a vicious cycle of life.

I think this picture explains what I feel is my only option for cleanliness after one of these Monday morning bathroom visits.

No comments:

Post a Comment