Dear Mr. Hammer,
Many of my friends know that my wife and I are desperately trying to conceive a lil mini me. We started out making the kind of feverish love that you would see on animal planet. But after a few months of not delivering the package to it's final destination, our resolve has begun to dissipate to the point that just the other day my wife uttered the words to me that I had been dreading. . . (Read this in slow mo) "seeeeeemeeeeeen sammmmmpllllllleeeee. . .". Instant puke. The thought of delivering my boys into a cup at a dr's office made my weiner instantly draw back up into my tummy. . . I know what you're thinking, further into my tummy.
Anyway, to get to the real point here. I find out that I get to go through with this process at home and I'm instantly relieved. So the morning arrives and I'm stoked because I get to "hand"le my business. I'll skip those details only to say that who knew how exciting dropping a load in a cup could be?
So, I'm driving to the dr's office with my man yogurt in a cup, sitting on the cup as gently and warmly as a mother hen protecting her egg. I get to the front desk and this woman that could only be described as viking-ish, I mean long braided pony tail and built like a f-ing line backer with child in tow bursts through the front desk line to proclaim, "I have to drop off. . . Er- something in a hurry. . .". The lady directs her to have a seat in the waiting area and they will be with her shortly. Meanwhile, I'm standing there looking like a fool with my spooge in a cup. So viking woman proceeds to pace in front of the lab door back and forth like a tiger at the circus. When the nurse pops out whose name does she call? You guessed it, yours truly. I put down my parenting magazine and make my way to the door only to be boxed out by this white shaquille o'neal look a like who the nurse awkwardly ushers in the door in front of me. Shaq then proceeds to announce that, she "has a sample for the lab. . .it's her husband. . . He has a sample. . . Uhhhh". The nurse rolls her eyes and you could read her mind as she and I were probably thinking the same thing, "wtf, who is so lame as to have their wife drop off their load for a semen analysis, instead of just going themselves. . . You just turned something that's already embarassing into something Lame and embarassing.
The nurse says, "hold on". Looks at me and says I'll take that now. I could have thought of a million jokes about taking my load, but I kept it classy. I handed her the cup awkwardly but confidently and simply uttered I'm sorry and out the door I went! Mr. Hammer I knew you would enjoy this story. Have a great gay. . . I mean day!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Yesterday my friend sent me the following email. He asked that I keep his name anonymous but gave me the green light to share with all of you.