The Making of Kenny

Enjoy...

Behind the Scenes Look

I thought you folks would be interested to see a behind the scenes look at how these Microsoft Paint "masterpieces" are created.  They require lots of man hours and lots of actual work avoidance.  Enjoy.

A True Sausage Party

Sorry for my absence lately but I have been very busy working on my latest installment of the Kenny the Cab Driver series.  If you haven't had a chance to read the first two yet I recommend scrolling down and catching up on those first before continuing.

Apparently Kenny the Cab Driver is a pretty popular guy around these parts and awkward stories about him keep popping up now that he has been exposed here on Beasthammer.  The other day I was hanging out at my friend Burt's house with him and his cousin Vance (except for Kenny, real names have been omitted to protect the innocent) and Burt and I starting talking about the whole D-Money incident.  It's about this time that Vance over hears our conversation and chimes in, "Oh y'all talking about Kenny? The gay cab driver?" Once his assumption is confirmed he begins painfully reciting a Kenny story of his own.

Twas the night before Christmas... no seriously though, it was actually Christmas Eve a couple of years ago and Vance and his buddies were drinking heavily over at one of their houses.  Later that night the unthinkable happens and they run out of beer.  Being responsible young men they decide not to drive for a beer run and start brainstorming some alternatives.  One of the guys whips out a business card for "Kenny the Cab Driver" and having had a ride home from Kenny in the past this guy knew how EAGER Kenny was to please.  They give Kenny a call asked if he would run by a gas station, pick up a case of beer and come drop it by their house.  He didn't even put up a fight.  Within a half hour there's a knock at the door... they open it and find Kenny standing there and apparently Kenny decided to go the extra mile.  This guy's standing outside the door with not only a case of beer but he's got a sausage and cheese platter in the other hand.  Vance said it looked like he had sliced up the sausage with his car keys and the cheese was all "melty looking."   Kenny invites himself in the house in an effort to "hang with the boys" aka give them all HJ's but after about 5 minutes of awkwardness he is politely eased back out the door.  Bless his little heart... he was just looking to have a "White Christmas."

Taxicab Confessions, Act 2

Before we begin, if you have not yet read my article titled "Taxicab Confessions" it would be wise of you to do so before continuing with this post.  To catch up either CLICK HERE or scroll down.

Just this past weekend I had to opportunity to fellowship a little with Mr. D-Money, our hero from the first Taxicab story, and gained some much needed perspective on this whole disastrous situation.  I just want to say thank you to D-Money for being so candid with me in the wake of such a dark moment in his life.  I learned two things that day from speaking with D... first, they got picked up that night from their friends house not a bar which helped explain why D-Money was wearing sweatpants.  The second thing I learned was that the story did not end when the cab driver dropped them off... nope, apparently the cock touching cabbie was not ready to end the night with a rejection from D-Money.

The story continues...

So D-Money and Janet are dropped off back at their house and while walking inside D-Money can't help but feel like he was just involved in a rape scene of some B movie.  He walks into the house still trying to put the pieces back together and heads directly to the fridge to grab a beer in hopes of regaining his composure.  He leans up with his beer and without moving a muscle he has an overwhelming sense that someone is watching him.  Someone indeed was watching him...

Panic sets in. He begins to sweat. His bootyhole puckers up in self defense.  He slowly closes the refrigerator door, turns his head and sees what no man should have to see in his lifetime... standing just a few feet behind D-Money was the infamous cab driver.  That's right, the cab driver who just minutes ago attempted the "over the pants HJ" has now actually followed his victim into his house and is set up in a "cocked & loaded" position on D-Money's six.  I'm sure the cabbie said something like, "Hey Sug, was you just gonna 'stiff me on the tip'?"  D-Money is frozen where he stands from some sort of primal fear paralysis but he said he mustered up enough strength to call out, "Janet! You better get this motherf*cker out of here!" His girl comes running into the kitchen to break up this little 'cock fight' and escorts the cab driver outside. He apologizes and gets in his cab. End of story.  It appears as though our friend D-Money once again dodged a bullet.  Cheers!

Follow up on Yahoo Post

Here is a quick follow up on how things have progressed with Mr. Anthony Karl at Yahoo... i recommend reading below if you have not yet read the first post on this subject or click here to be directed...

From Anthony to Me:

Hello,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Pulse.

Your email regarding the Yahoo! Terms of Service (TOS) and the Yahoo! Community Guidelines raises legal issues that are not addressed byCustomer Care. This type of issue may be better resolved by reviewingour help pages for additional information or by consulting your legal advisor for an interpretation of our TOS and Community Guidelines as itrelates to your specific situation.

Please be aware that messages that harass, abuse, or threaten othermembers; have obscene or otherwise objectionable content; have spam, commercial, or advertising content or links may be removed and may result in the loss of your Yahoo! ID (including email).
Regards,

Anthony Karl

Yahoo! Customer Care

From Me to Anthony:

 Oh now this is getting rich Anthony Karl with a K.... how dare you threaten to take away my Yahoo ID after already taking away my Yahoo ID for reasons you've still yet to mention.  

How... Dare... You?!  

I will most definitely be consulting my attorney on this matter and I will see you in court Tony.  Make sure you wear something cute with easy access because I plan on eye f****ing the sh*t out of you when we finally meat each other (notice I spelled meet with an 'a' as in my 'meat' stick is going to be stuck so far up your ass they're gonna need the jaws of life to pry me off your sweet little fart maker.

Your a good man Tony... I love you.

Yahoo

I just wanted to share with you all a little slice of my life over the past week.  Just last Monday I got to work and tried to login to my Yahoo account.  Now, I don't use this account for email but strictly for Fantasy Sports.  In fact, over the past 5 years Fantasy Sports is the ONLY reason I even go to Yahoo.com.  So, as I try to login that morning I'm repeatedly hit with an error message that says I either have an invalid user name or password.  I know what your thinking... "are you sure you don't have CAPS LOCK ON?"  The answer is no... I did not have caps lock on and I didn't forget my password.  In fact it was the same password I've had for 5 years.

After about 50 or so failed login attempts I click the "Forgot Password?" link thinking they are going to email me a password reset prompt to my other email or let me answer some security questions to reset my password.  Well neither happened.  When I went through that process I would get another error message saying, "Oops, we're sorry but this account cannot be verified online.  Please contact customer care for assistance."  Now I'm starting to sweat.  I don't want to sound like a nerd here but I'm in the middle of a playoff race in my Fantasy Baseball league and I cannot afford to be locked out of my account for any period of time.  It's a 24 hour a day commitment.  Long story short, I fill out the customer care complaint form (about 15 times) and had it emailed to them. At this point they tell me I will be contacted within 24-48 hours.  Well it's been 7 days and I finally get a response and I have posted the exchange below, including one of my "angrier" complaint emails:

To Yahoo:
I swear to God I don't understand why this is such a f***ing process to have my f***ing password reset. GROW THE F**K UP YAHOO!! I can get this done in 2 minutes with Gmail, Hotmail, Facebook, or even snail mail. I can't comprehend why I have to email you lazy bastards to do this.  What is wrong with answering security questions? My phone number is ###-###-####, give me a call and at least pretend you actually have a customer service department and personally tell me why this is such a f***ing process! I have had this account for 5 years with the same password.  My password is ***** if that helps expedite this retarded process.

From Denise Fox at Yahoo:

Dear ****,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Customer Care.

Your Yahoo! Customer Care account was disabled pursuant to the Yahoo! Terms of Service (TOS). You agreed to abide by the TOS when you created your account with Yahoo!. The TOS can be found at:
  http://info.yahoo.com/legal/us/yahoo/utos/utos-173.html
You agree that Yahoo!, in its sole discretion, may terminate your password, account (or any part thereof) or use of the Service, and remove and discard any content within the Service, for any reason, including, without limitation, for lack of use or if Yahoo! believes that you have violated or acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the TOS.

Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Pulse.

Regards,

Denise Fox

Yahoo! Customer Care

From Me to Denise:

Really?? I would LOVE to know how I abused my account, please elaborate.  It certainly wasn't due to my lack of use so it must be that I "acted inconsistently  with the letter or spirit of the TOS."  This should be good considering I only use this account for Fantasy Sports, not email. Please respond with your answer.  

Also, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.  Although you fell short of your stated time frame of 24 hours by about 7 days, I get the sense that you are acting swiftly on this matter. 

P.S. I am highly pissed off right now

From Anthony Karl at Yahoo:

(He actually just sends me the exact same email I got the first time from Denise Fox)

From Me to Anthony:

Dear Anthony Karl with a K, 

Thanks for clearing all of this up.  I read your TOS and it seems I was in violation of 1 or more of the 50 reasons my service can be terminated without my consent.  In no way shape or form was that a vague answer to my question on why my account was terminated by the folks inside your "Think Tank."

Now that I don't know what terms I violated I will be sure open a new account with Yahoo and pray that I don't go right back to my old ways and start doing whatever it is I wasn't supposed to be doing. I feel bad Anthony, should I apologize for what I did or didn't do?

Clear as mud Anthony Karl with a K, keep up the fine work over there. 

P.S.  Go F**k yourself Tony!

Coming Soon

Just wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what is coming down the Beasthammer pipeline over the next few days (no, that was not an anal sex or bathroom pun).

I had the opportunity to catch up with D-Money from the recent taxi cab story and he provided me with "the rest of the story" from that dreadful evening and trust me... you're gonna want to hear this.  Also, there is another of our friends, let's just call him Vance, who had an encounter with this cab driver and that is also going to make for a very entertaining post.  Stay tuned!

And finally, today I received this in my inbox this morning and I have already forwarded it Mr. Danny Copeland who will hopefully scambait the $hit out them...

Critics Rave

It seems as though I was fortunate enough to get some favorable reviews from the critics out there.  Don't take their word for though, CLICK HERE to find out for yourself.

It has Arrived!

Today was a good day... that little lamb of a guy from FedEx brought me a little something extra special... you can't tell me this shouldn't be a staple on the back of every man's toilet.

A perfect Father's Day, Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas & Easter Gift for the whole family

Featuring the Famous "Scambaiter Series"

Picture Quality is Superb

CLICK HERE TO ORDER NOW

Taxicab Confessions

Some of the stories I've put on this blog are from stories some of my friends will bring up during casual conversation.  They don't necessarily mean for it to be the focal point of the story they are telling me at the time but I immediately pick up a detail here and there and have to reverse engineer the actual story I want to hear.  This next post is no exception and the things that happen in my friends lives never ceases to amaze me.

Due to the content of this post I promised that I would leave names out to protect the innocent... all names used going forward will be aliases.  So, I'm riding around with Burt the other day and we are on our way to the bar when we pass a gas station on our right.  I'm not really paying attention but Burt looks out the window and says, "Hey, that's that creepy cab driver that tried to molest D-Money over there gassing up." And then without skipping a beat he asks, "So what bar are we headed to?"  I almost wrecked into a tree as my feeble brain tried to digest the information it was just fed.  "Whoa whoa whoa," I said.  "What the hell did you just say?" Burt then repeats himself and proceeds to tell me a dynamite story that I immediately knew had to be shared with you guys...

Apparently a couple of weeks ago D-Money and his girlfriend Janet were on their way home from the bar after drinking copious amounts of hard liquor and decided to jump into a cab.  Smart move? We shall see...  They both get in the back and order the driver to deliver them to their house but once they get around the block Janet suddenly remembers that she left her phone at the bar and gets the cab to turn around and head back.  Once they are back in front of the bar Janet jumps out to run inside leaving a highly inebriated D-Money in backseat of the cab.  At this point the cab driver and D-Money are engaged in small talk (which I will get to later) while waiting on Janet to get back.  All of the sudden, the driver turns in his seat creating the perfect angle for him to reach back and rub D-Money's cock piece. I'll give you a second to let that sink in...

That's right.  The cab driver actually turned around, reached back and began fondling D-Money's junk box. Now that's a ballsy move. This obviously doesn't last very long before D-Money squirms and smacks the cabbie's hand telling him, "NO! I don't roll like that dude!"  The driver obeys his customer's wishes and turns back around and acts like nothing happened.  Seconds later Janet gets back in the cab and at this point the awkward silence is palpable.  She looks at D-Money and asks, "What's wrong?"  "Nothing," he replies with a look of shame and shattered dreams that can only be duplicated by a single mother rape victim on a cheesy Lifetime Channel movie Then, the cab driver takes them home.  They pay and that is that.  End of story.   After Burt told me all of this I asked why didn't D-Money scream rape or punch the guy or try to run?  Burt said he asked him the same question and his response was, "I don't know man, I was drunk as shit and he really didn't touch it all that long anyway."

Wow.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention this very important part of the puzzle... D-Money said he was wearing sweat pants that night which really puts into context just how personal this encounter was.

As promised, this is just my interpretation of the small talk and awkward moments leading up to "The Incident."

Cabbie:  Hey man, nice night huh?
D-Money:  Uh, yeah dude, I guess. Hey, can I smoke in here?
Cabbie:  No smoking buddy, sorry.  But... I can touch your cock for you if you want.
D-Money:  Oh ok - WAIT, what did you just say?
Cabbie:  I said, I will touch your cock if you want me to.
D-Money:  Uh no dude, please don't touch my cock.
Cabbie:  Are you sure?
D-Money:  Yeah man, I'm sure.  Don't touch my cock.

 Cabbie:  No? Well I'm gonna touch it anyway. 

Don't Drink & Skeet

There's not really much of a story here but at the time I was looking for an excuse to draw a picture and pass some time.

This weekend my friend and his family are throwing their annual "Summer Shoals" party.  I've yet to attend one of these events but from my understanding it consists of a large hunting lodge on a lake where a undisclosed number of young adults still in their prime frolic around, make out with each other and drink themselves into blackouts. Unfortunately though, there is one activity at Summer Shoals that has been taken off the itinerary.  It was quite a shock to learn via email from my friend that this year there would be no skeet shooting like there had been in the past.  I agree that there are a few things in this world that don't mix well with alcohol, painkillers and weed but as far as I'm concerned, a 12 gauge shotgun  is not one of those things.

Monday Morning Bidet

I realize that this topic is not as tasteful as some of you may be hoping for but I felt it needed to be shared never the less.  Please allow me to take you on a magical journey through with a timeline of consumption for an average "slightly un-classy" male for a typical weekend.

Let us begin with Thursday...  regardless of whether you work on Fridays your weekend will at least mentally begin shortly after 5 pm on Thursday.  You leave work and in one way or another you celebrate the fact that you've managed to once again fool other grown ups into thinking you actually give a damn about your job for 4 days in a row... and why shouldn't you?  It's no easy task.  So you extend happy hour a few hours on Thursday not worrying about if you're going to be hung over at work tomorrow or not because it's Friday... and nobody really does shit on Friday's anyway so there's no reason why you can't spend the final 8 hours of your week doing your usual Facebook Creepin' routine with a hangover.  Now it's time for lunch and time for you to really start punishing your body.  What's that? Mexican for lunch with the boys?  Why the hell not, it's Friday isn't it?  You ate salad and tuna sandwiches all week trying to trick your body into thinking you aren't a disgusting bastard... you've earned this lunch.

4:45 pm rolls around and you find a way to sneak out early, stop by the gas station, pick up a case of Busch Light and a bag of TGI Friday's Bacon 'n Cheddar Potato Skins.  You head home and immediately start swallowing these products at an alarming rate until it's time to take a shower and head out to meet your Friday night associates who have no doubt been doing the exact same thing.  You get to dive bar and don't want to ruin your buzz with one of their big greasy hamburger platters so you wisely opt for a dozen wings with extra ranch and a side of fried pickles. You're no amateur...  Now you continue to slurp down dollar drafts mixed with shots of yager at 10 minute intervals.  You then go home, pass out, wake up the next morning and head down to the local Mac's Breakfast Anytime joint with whoever happens to have slept on your couch and recliners.  Here you decide to order the "Farmer's Breakfast" or sampler plate if you will and before the waitress walks off to put in your order you say, "Oh yeah, can I also get a side of corn beef hash with that?"  Of course you can good sir!

The rest of your Saturday consumption goes exactly like Friday with the exception that you don't have to wait unit 5 o'clock to start drinking now.  Before you know it you are right in the middle of your Sunday with a horrible hangover that can only be cured by Gatorade and comfort food (ie. left over pizza and Moose Tracks ice cream).  When Monday morning rolls around you feel a little groggy so you unfortunately decide to have that second giant cup of coffee and I think we all know what happens next...  you briskly waddle down the hall to the employee bathroom giving handshakes and smiling nods to everyone you pass and they have no idea what is happening to your body from the belly button down.  You make it into the bathroom, lock the door, say a quick prayer and turn the water on even though you know there is not a chance in hell a steady stream of water is going to mask this nuclear flashback of your entire weekend that you are about to give birth to anally.  This is a vicious cycle of life.

I think this picture explains what I feel is my only option for cleanliness after one of these Monday morning bathroom visits.

If You're Not 5 Minutes Early, You're Late

It's emails like this that keep me coming back to work every morning...

Where has the Beasthammer Gone?

Let me first apologize for my total lack of attention to this site over that last few months.  It has been way too long since we shared a laugh at the expense of either myself or my half retarded friends.  Ironically, as the title of this website implies I started this as a way to pass time while at work.  Meaning, I would only work on my postings and drawings while at my desk here at the office... I had a strict rule not to bring this home with me.  Not because I don't care but I'm usually so drunk within a couple hours of getting off work that it made generating Microsoft Paint pictures virtually impossible.  That is why I needed the controlled/sober environment of my office to be able to work on my craft.  Unfortunately over the past few months I have been passing my time at work with actual tasks relating to my job.  I know, it seems a bit silly but hopefully things are starting to get back to normal around here just in time for the summer.   

During this brief sabbatical of mine I have had mixed feelings about what to do next with my site. Not wanting to shut it down I believe my next best option right now is to add a co-pilot.  My friend Russell the Love Muscle has show me time and time again that he has the appropriate skills in the Microsoft Paint department as well as the bull$hitting department.  Both of which are strong requirements for this position.  If you would like to apply to become an additional contributor please feel free to send in your resumes and head shots (professional only, please do not send ghetto self shots of you in the mirror or sitting in the driver seat of your car).

To get things rolling I am adding this picture most recently created by Mr. Love Muscle on a somewhat topical subject.  I would also like to add that my first book, The Chronicles of Beasthammer Episode I, is in it's finishing stages and hopefully will be available to the public very shortly.

Craigs List Scammer

I've had a car for sale on Craigs List for a little while now and every so often I get an inquiry that is bogus and an obvious scam.  Usually it is some person with an Arab sounding name and very bad grammar. I don't even waste my time responding but a couple days ago I got an inquiry from a Mr. Harry Flitchel, he's grammar was good enough so I at least responded.  It became quickly apparent however that he was full of $hit... our email exhange is below:

From Harry Flitchel to Me:

Is this vehicle still for sale?

From Me to Harry:

Yes this vehicle is still for sale. 

From Harry to Me:

Hello ******, 

Thanks for your response.I have a client who is very much interested in buying your vehicle. He happened to budget for a car last time and unfortunately it was sold. I have discussed with him and he has agreed that he will be willing to have the vehicle shipped to Canada upon reaching
an agreement with you.

Please I have Some Questions to Ask:
1) Is the engine in perfect condition?
2) How often do you service the Vehicle?
3) How many miles on the Vehicle now?
4) Are you the owner?
5) If yes, for how long did you use Vehicle?
6) Exterior and interior pics
7)Finally At what price are you willing to sell this
Vehicle to Us ...Bottom price.
8)Warranty
9) Vin # 

Regards,
Harry Flitchel

From Me to Harry:

Harry,
I don't mean to offend you but I need to make sure this is legit.  I get a lot of spam and strange requests for this car and the fact that its out of country is a red flag in my spammers handbook. Are u a dealer? Why are u acting on his behalf?

From Harry to Me:

Hello *****,

Regarding your questions,I work under MAPFRE FINANCE S.L Barcelona.
I'm not a dealer,i'm actually facilitating the purchase of the vehicle for a client.

Kindly,send me the condition of the vehicle for final evaluation.

Hope to hear from you soon for payment process.

Harry.

From Me to Harry:

Yeah, I checked it out.  Mapfre Finance S.L. is a pretty popular name used for Fraud and 419 Scams.  You should use a different name, think outside the box.

From Harry to Me:

*****,

 I will be glad if you address me with respect.I will have to inquire for another vehicle for my client.

Thank you.

Harry.

From Me to Harry:

Blow me Harry.  Good luck ripping someone off, somebody will eventually fall for it.

 I just love how Harry demanded respect from me.  Well played sir. 

Toilet Bowl Diaries

I got this email from my friend Tyler a few hours ago... it is a good read.

 

The Secret Handshake

I'd like to say I've been holding this story back but actually I had just forgotten about it until it was brought up a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with some friends of mine.  Perhaps it was just a memory I had suppressed.  I just recently shared on here an embarrassing story about my friend the Korean Cowboy so it is only fair that I provide, yet another, awkward moment from my past.  After all, Beasthammer is only human. 

When I was fresh out of college I entered a management training program with a small local bank and one of my first branches that I managed was out in the middle of nowhere in town abandoned by society.  I could honestly go almost an entire day without seeing a customer walk into the bank.  So, I found other ways to pass the time... and since this was a bank with strict regulations that meant either email or Microsoft Paint (this is actually where I began honing my Paint skills).  Well on this particular day I was just sitting at my desk when one of my friends sent me an email that was definitely in poor taste and while I can't recollect the topic of the forwarded email I am most certain it contained female nudity.

It was about this time that I heard the front door of the bank open and saw an older gentleman walk in, approach one of the tellers and ask if he could speak with the manager.  He was a long time customer of the bank and apparently just wanted to introduce himself to the new manager.  Before I could react he walks into my office introducing himself as he is closed in on my desk.  I instinctively rise from my chair to shake hands when I realize that the before mentioned email had given me a semi-erection and of course in dress pants with your shirt tucked in there is no hiding even the smallest of meat buildup.   It is at this moment that I do one of the most awkward and regrettable things I've ever done in my life... I limply cover my groin with my right hand and extend an upside down left hand to meet his outstretched right hand.  WHAT?!  How in the name of God did I get my hands confused?  If anything it directed more of his attention to my boner.  I might as well of just rested  it up on the desk.  From what I remember he didn't hang around to chit chat much longer after our handshake.  I just hope he thought that maybe I was paralyzed on the right side of my body.

Unanswered Questions

It has become clear that my previous post on the Korean Cowboy was both disturbing and intriguing yet it needed to be shared with the world.  I have gotten so many questions about this post in the last couple of days like: is it true, why did he do this on his own porch, what did he use to wipe with, did he wipe at all, were people watching and cheering, did he pull his pants up when finished or did he just do the prisoner shuffle through the house...

This story has just left too many loose ends (no pun intended) and I can only think of one way to tie them up...

A POST STORY FOLLOW UP (FILMED) INTERVIEW WITH THE KOREAN COWBOY

I would like to invite Mr. Cowboy to participate in a filmed interview where we return to the scene of the crime and gain insight from the man himself as to what really took place that night.  This should be both beneficial to KC as well as the fact checking department here at Beasthammer, LLC.  Friends if you would like to see this video posted please take a second to vote on the left side of this page.

Front Porch Chillin'

Just when I thought I had heard of everything and all the embarrassing stories have dried up, one of my friends totally bails me out by doing something completely irresponsible.  This story is from about a week ago involving my friend... let's refer to him as "The Korean Cowboy," or KC from now on in an somewhat weak ass attempt to protect his identity.

For KC this was just another typical night out on the town getting absolutely annihilated to the point where you don't know whether to tie him to a tree so he can't hurt himself or pretend you're calling him a cab but summon the local police instead.   I guess on this night neither of those two options were available and somehow he made it back to his house.  While standing on the front porch about to put his key into the lock he suddenly is struck with a great idea... things are about to get epic.  Instead of letting himself into his house he decides to walk over to the corner of the porch, pull his pants down around his ankles and begins to serve the wood planks a delicious "Carolina Hot Plate."  He finishes his business, pulls up his pants and goes inside to call it a night.  No harm no foul right?

Not exactly.  He wakes up the next morning and walks out the front door to get the newspaper, feel the sunshine or whatever it is drunk guys do the next morning only to find that someone had spilled a giant bowl of chocolate pudding on his front porch.  Puzzled, KC investigates the crime scene further and that's when he see's it... the culprit has left a piece of evidence immersed in the pool of pudding... it was a wallet! Case closed, Book 'em Dano! But wait, this wallet looks familiar.... KC carefully opens the soiled wallet and is hit hard by the truth... it was HIS wallet, it must have fallen out of his jeans when he pulled them down and it was in fact, covered in his own $hit.  Keep the stories coming Mr. Cowboy!

Coffee Table Book

Folks, I'm in the middle of crafting one of the greatest pieces of American literature since The Great Gatsby.  This book will no doubt be given out as wedding and housewarming gifts for many years to come.  This is the front and back cover, stay tuned for an upcoming release date and book signing venues.

Donations Welcome

Yesterday my friend sent me the following email.  He asked that I keep his name anonymous but gave me the green light to share with all of you.  

Dear Mr. Hammer,

Many of my friends know that my wife and I are desperately trying to conceive a lil mini me.  We started out making the kind of feverish love that you would see on animal planet.  But after a few months of not delivering the package to it's final destination, our resolve has begun to dissipate to the point that just the other day my wife uttered the words to me that I had been dreading. . . (Read this in slow mo) "seeeeeemeeeeeen sammmmmpllllllleeeee. . .". Instant puke.  The thought of delivering my boys into a cup at a dr's office made my weiner instantly draw back up into my tummy. . . I know what you're thinking, further into my tummy.

Anyway, to get to the real point here.  I find out that I get to go through with this process at home and I'm instantly relieved.  So the morning arrives and I'm stoked because I get to "hand"le my business.  I'll skip those details only to say that who knew how exciting dropping a load in a cup could be?

So, I'm driving to the dr's office with my man yogurt in a cup, sitting on the cup as gently and warmly as a mother hen protecting her egg.  I get to the front desk and this woman that could only be described as viking-ish, I mean long braided pony tail and built like a f-ing line backer with child in tow bursts through the front desk line to proclaim, "I have to drop off. . . Er- something in a hurry. . .". The lady directs her to have a seat in the waiting area and they will be with her shortly.  Meanwhile, I'm standing there looking like a fool with my spooge in a cup.  So viking woman proceeds to pace in front of the lab door back and forth like a tiger at the circus.  When the nurse pops out whose name does she call?  You guessed it, yours truly.  I put down my parenting magazine and make my way to the door only to be boxed out by this white shaquille o'neal look a like who the nurse awkwardly ushers in the door in front of me.  Shaq then proceeds to announce that, she "has a sample for the lab. . .it's her husband. . . He has a sample. . . Uhhhh".  The nurse rolls her eyes and you could read her mind as she and I were probably thinking the same thing, "wtf, who is so lame as to have their wife drop off their load for a semen analysis, instead of just going themselves. . . You just turned something that's already embarassing into something Lame and embarassing.

The nurse says, "hold on".  Looks at me and says I'll take that now.  I could have thought of a million jokes about taking my load, but I kept it classy.  I handed her the cup awkwardly but confidently and simply uttered I'm sorry and out the door I went!  Mr. Hammer I knew you would enjoy this story.  Have a great gay. . . I mean day!

Crabtree Tavern Response

This just came in... and all I have to say is whatever happens to this guy up at Crabtree Tavern is on Randy's hands not Danny's.

Crabtree Tavern

The other day my friend Randy sent me a complaint about a sports bar called Crabtree Tavern in Raleigh.  He said there is never any hot girls there, only guy bartenders and some nerd waiter who only talks about Fantasy Football instead of doing his job.  These are all reasons Randy had to stay home and watch Playoff Football last weekend instead of on the big screens at a nice sports bar.  He put Danny on the case... and Danny never disappoints?

Sometimes It's the Little Things

I just overheard my boss use the phrase, "Off into the wild blue yonder."  I'm sorry, I didn't see your horse parked outside ma'am {as I remove my 5 gallon hat and duster}.  I believe the way it was used was, "Sometimes I think when I send you an email it just goes OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER."

She has True Grit...

FUD (Female Urination Device)

Yesterday my friend Justin sent me a link to a groundbreaking product for women called the Go-Girl, www.go-girl.com/ .  This device is so revolutionary that it is finally going to level the playing field for men and women and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Ladies... prepare to pee standing up!

Never again will you have to squat in front of chauvinistic males while they point and laugh at the way you relieve yourself.  Those men with their fresh knees from all that standing and peeing... it's just not fair.  Lets face it ladies, we need you to keep those knees in good working condition for those "other duties" we deem important that may "arise."

Girls, I know what your gonna say... "But Mr. Beasthammer you have no idea what it's like to be a woman and have to squat when you pee outdoors."  I say, you're right! I don't know what it's like to be a woman because I'm a man.  I like being a man... and I'm damn good at it.  However, I see your point.  I embrace those rare opportunities when I'm able to take a leak outdoors like the good lord intended it.  It makes me feel free.  There's no aiming necessary unless of course it is for an insect or target practice on random leaves.  There's no toilet seats to wipe down because your wife "thinks it's gross to sit on my stale urine" when it's her turn to use the bathroom.  Best of all, when you're really lucky and a slight easterly wind comes through and blesses you with a brief kiss on your junk-pile in such a way that it gives you goosebumps... it reminds you that everything is going to be OKAY.

I can also see where the Go-Girl is going to have other applications besides just being used for the outdoors.  In today's global economy the rise of "power hungry" women is escalating quickly. Nothing is going to help you break through that glass ceiling faster than having the ability to pee while standing up.  As men we know that most important business deals don't reach an agreement around the long board room table like they do in the movies.  These deals are sealed afterwards in the Men's Bathroom.  You follow Mr. Takahashi, the Sr. Director of Sony's Southeast Division into the bathroom and over to the urinals.  You take a stance directly next to him, place one hand flat against the wall and your other on your hip.  When you've completed 15% of your urination you turn your head to Mr. Takahashi, make eye contact and deliver you final pitch.  Be sure to maintain eye contact the whole time. This shows him you have confidence as well as unbelievable restraint not to look down at his business and see if what they say about Asians is true or not. When finished zip up, step back from the urinal and shake hands... do not wash them first (tip: guys never wash their hands after we pee, if anything we walk over to the counter and turn the water on performing a mock hand wash while we check our hair or tie knot).

In conclusion, Beasthammer strongly endorses the Go-Girl as well as woman's fight for equality.  If any women would like to give their feedback after using this product I think our readers would be very interested in hearing your story.

Don't Be Shy

Come on now boys and girls there has to be some business or company out there that has done you an injustice or perhaps you have a sh*tty neighbor that needs a good talkin' to.  Nothing makes Danny Copeland happier than being able to verbally assault people on your behalf.  Comment below outlining who Danny can write a letter to and why.

Gerber Follow Up

I received this reply from the Customer Service Department at Gerber.  John Boy please leave the information she is requesting so we can get this situation resolved.

My First Customer

A few days ago I posted a blog about writing angry business letters and requested that if anyone or any company has wronged you to let me know and I would send Danny Copeland on the case.  A received this request from John Boy:

"I've got one for you Mr. Hammer. I have an exceptionally nice pocket knife manufactured by Gerber. It has been very useful to me but after about 6 months of having it the clip came loose. It is pretty sorry engineering the way they designed it because it is only attached by 3 tiny screws that can only be tightened by an allen wrench of a size that cannot be found anywhere outside of the Gerber factory (about the size of a flea's ball hair). I sent my first one back to the company and they happily sent me a brand spankin' new one, in the box. Sweet deal because this is not a cheap blade. Well, about 5-6 months later the exact same thing happened again. Now, it was quite a hassle typing a letter and getting to the P.O. to send off the first one. Not to mention the cost of shipping and insuring the thing. I really don't want to go through the trouble again but I want a functionable knife. I wear it clipped on my back pocket so it has to have an adequate clip. Please have Danny reprimand them with the strong tongue that we all know he possesses. Below is an email address to send it to and link to said blade."

http://www.gerberstore.com/index.php?xpage=itempage&xid=1021

sales@gerberblades.com

Here is the letter that Danny sent to the Gerber Company...Angry Letter To Gerber

A Real American Hero

My friend Randy, who I have previously referred to as the Godfather of the Southeastern wave of Four Loko consumption, has once again raised the 'effin bar and continues to set the tone.  Driven by panic and fear due to the recent threats of Four Loko being pulled from the shelves, Randy was able to do a couple favors for a local convenient store owner (meaning HJ's and Buttsex) and was compensated with a giant case of Four Loko.  The pictures below depict just how dedicated to the cause Randy has become.  We need more soldiers like you out there in the field fighting the good fight. 

I especially like the fifth of Smirnoff tucked back in the corner being dwarfed by the almighty Four Loko.  I'm sure he will need that to chase down each sip of the watermelon flavored elixir. 

Angry Business Letters from Danny Copeland

Today I will begin accepting request from my readers to construct angry, yet tasteful, business letters directed at either a company or person that has wronged you in some sort of way.  I will have my alias Danny Copeland write the letters and your identity will be kept anonymous. Below is an example of a previous letter. If you would like to have Danny Copeland make someone feel like a complete jackass please leave a comment below outlining your request and appropriate contact info.

Example of Angry Business Letter