One Woman Man

My friend Randy requested that I post this story, I had actually forgotten about it... it was an event that my subconscious was most likely trying to suppress.  I believe this was the first semester of my senior year in college and Randy was in town visiting for Halloween weekend.  This was the night before the actual Halloween festivities would be taking place but it didn't matter because there was a huge block party going on in the cul-de-sac outside my apartment.  Us and my friends from next door were basically just hanging out on the front porch and watching everyone get pants-sh*tting drunk down below when a girl that I had just recently started "talking" to showed up.  Great, seems like the night is heading in the right direction when all of sudden I get a text message from another girl that I had been on a few dates with  just before meeting the "new" girl.  I had ended things with her but my only problem was that I forgot to let her know that.  Her text said she was downstairs and would be up in a second... Chaos ensues.

I immediately went into a state of panic, I didn't really care about Old-girl seeing me with another girl but I didn't want to ruin things with New-girl just yet.  New-girl stepped outside for a minute and I did what any normal intoxicated man in my position would have done... I told Randy to tell everyone I just passed out drunk.  I ran in my bedroom jumped on the bed and did my best to look unconscious.  The string of events that is about to unfold is very unfortunate. 

New-girl comes back inside, hears that I've passed out, comes over to the side of the bed and starts asking me if I'm okay.  I'm not answering of course because I'm a superb actor and continue to lay there motionless.  1 to 2 minutes later Old-girl comes into my room with one of her friends, sees New-girl kneeling beside my bed and starts saying things like, "Oh hell nah, who are you? Nope, I don't think so little miss thang! What do you think you're doing in here?!" Not exactly sure what New-girl said but it was something to the affect that I was her new boyfriend...This causes a three way verbal cat fight between Old-girl, her friend and New-girl.  This lasts a couple minutes, New-girl gets pissed and is probably a little scared of the other two girls so she storms out and goes home.  Old-girl comes over to the bed now and starts pushing me to trying to wake me up because she wants to tell me what a scumbag I am... but I'm better than that, I wasn't about to blow my cover now.  I'm still faking like I'm passed out and they can't believe I won't wake up because they are screaming at me, poking me and pulling on my arms & legs. 

Finally they give up on me but they aren't finished yet, they had to leave their call sign.  I hear them go into the bathroom in my room and all I could hear was a little laughing and a few more derogatory comments about me.  They eventually leave and I can now open my eyes (keep in mind I've been wide awake and laying completely still with my eyes closed for about 30 minutes, I could be an effin Navy Seal or something) but I still just lay there a few extra minutes just to make sure I was in the clear.  I get up, turn around to look at my bathroom.  Those little hookers had squirted all my shampoo and toothpaste on everything... the walls, the toilet, the door and the mirror. All I could do was tip my hat to 'em, they did their thing in there.  I even found my poor little toothbrush floating helplessly in the toilet.  Skanks... you just shouldn't mess with another man's toiletries. I guess if there is any lesson to be learned by all of this it's that I don't like confrontation... I'd rather play dead.