If You're Not 5 Minutes Early, You're Late

It's emails like this that keep me coming back to work every morning...

Where has the Beasthammer Gone?

Let me first apologize for my total lack of attention to this site over that last few months.  It has been way too long since we shared a laugh at the expense of either myself or my half retarded friends.  Ironically, as the title of this website implies I started this as a way to pass time while at work.  Meaning, I would only work on my postings and drawings while at my desk here at the office... I had a strict rule not to bring this home with me.  Not because I don't care but I'm usually so drunk within a couple hours of getting off work that it made generating Microsoft Paint pictures virtually impossible.  That is why I needed the controlled/sober environment of my office to be able to work on my craft.  Unfortunately over the past few months I have been passing my time at work with actual tasks relating to my job.  I know, it seems a bit silly but hopefully things are starting to get back to normal around here just in time for the summer.   

During this brief sabbatical of mine I have had mixed feelings about what to do next with my site. Not wanting to shut it down I believe my next best option right now is to add a co-pilot.  My friend Russell the Love Muscle has show me time and time again that he has the appropriate skills in the Microsoft Paint department as well as the bull$hitting department.  Both of which are strong requirements for this position.  If you would like to apply to become an additional contributor please feel free to send in your resumes and head shots (professional only, please do not send ghetto self shots of you in the mirror or sitting in the driver seat of your car).

To get things rolling I am adding this picture most recently created by Mr. Love Muscle on a somewhat topical subject.  I would also like to add that my first book, The Chronicles of Beasthammer Episode I, is in it's finishing stages and hopefully will be available to the public very shortly.

Craigs List Scammer

I've had a car for sale on Craigs List for a little while now and every so often I get an inquiry that is bogus and an obvious scam.  Usually it is some person with an Arab sounding name and very bad grammar. I don't even waste my time responding but a couple days ago I got an inquiry from a Mr. Harry Flitchel, he's grammar was good enough so I at least responded.  It became quickly apparent however that he was full of $hit... our email exhange is below:

From Harry Flitchel to Me:

Is this vehicle still for sale?

From Me to Harry:

Yes this vehicle is still for sale. 

From Harry to Me:

Hello ******, 

Thanks for your response.I have a client who is very much interested in buying your vehicle. He happened to budget for a car last time and unfortunately it was sold. I have discussed with him and he has agreed that he will be willing to have the vehicle shipped to Canada upon reaching
an agreement with you.

Please I have Some Questions to Ask:
1) Is the engine in perfect condition?
2) How often do you service the Vehicle?
3) How many miles on the Vehicle now?
4) Are you the owner?
5) If yes, for how long did you use Vehicle?
6) Exterior and interior pics
7)Finally At what price are you willing to sell this
Vehicle to Us ...Bottom price.
8)Warranty
9) Vin # 

Regards,
Harry Flitchel

From Me to Harry:

Harry,
I don't mean to offend you but I need to make sure this is legit.  I get a lot of spam and strange requests for this car and the fact that its out of country is a red flag in my spammers handbook. Are u a dealer? Why are u acting on his behalf?

From Harry to Me:

Hello *****,

Regarding your questions,I work under MAPFRE FINANCE S.L Barcelona.
I'm not a dealer,i'm actually facilitating the purchase of the vehicle for a client.

Kindly,send me the condition of the vehicle for final evaluation.

Hope to hear from you soon for payment process.

Harry.

From Me to Harry:

Yeah, I checked it out.  Mapfre Finance S.L. is a pretty popular name used for Fraud and 419 Scams.  You should use a different name, think outside the box.

From Harry to Me:

*****,

 I will be glad if you address me with respect.I will have to inquire for another vehicle for my client.

Thank you.

Harry.

From Me to Harry:

Blow me Harry.  Good luck ripping someone off, somebody will eventually fall for it.

 I just love how Harry demanded respect from me.  Well played sir. 

Toilet Bowl Diaries

I got this email from my friend Tyler a few hours ago... it is a good read.

 

The Secret Handshake

I'd like to say I've been holding this story back but actually I had just forgotten about it until it was brought up a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with some friends of mine.  Perhaps it was just a memory I had suppressed.  I just recently shared on here an embarrassing story about my friend the Korean Cowboy so it is only fair that I provide, yet another, awkward moment from my past.  After all, Beasthammer is only human. 

When I was fresh out of college I entered a management training program with a small local bank and one of my first branches that I managed was out in the middle of nowhere in town abandoned by society.  I could honestly go almost an entire day without seeing a customer walk into the bank.  So, I found other ways to pass the time... and since this was a bank with strict regulations that meant either email or Microsoft Paint (this is actually where I began honing my Paint skills).  Well on this particular day I was just sitting at my desk when one of my friends sent me an email that was definitely in poor taste and while I can't recollect the topic of the forwarded email I am most certain it contained female nudity.

It was about this time that I heard the front door of the bank open and saw an older gentleman walk in, approach one of the tellers and ask if he could speak with the manager.  He was a long time customer of the bank and apparently just wanted to introduce himself to the new manager.  Before I could react he walks into my office introducing himself as he is closed in on my desk.  I instinctively rise from my chair to shake hands when I realize that the before mentioned email had given me a semi-erection and of course in dress pants with your shirt tucked in there is no hiding even the smallest of meat buildup.   It is at this moment that I do one of the most awkward and regrettable things I've ever done in my life... I limply cover my groin with my right hand and extend an upside down left hand to meet his outstretched right hand.  WHAT?!  How in the name of God did I get my hands confused?  If anything it directed more of his attention to my boner.  I might as well of just rested  it up on the desk.  From what I remember he didn't hang around to chit chat much longer after our handshake.  I just hope he thought that maybe I was paralyzed on the right side of my body.

Unanswered Questions

It has become clear that my previous post on the Korean Cowboy was both disturbing and intriguing yet it needed to be shared with the world.  I have gotten so many questions about this post in the last couple of days like: is it true, why did he do this on his own porch, what did he use to wipe with, did he wipe at all, were people watching and cheering, did he pull his pants up when finished or did he just do the prisoner shuffle through the house...

This story has just left too many loose ends (no pun intended) and I can only think of one way to tie them up...

A POST STORY FOLLOW UP (FILMED) INTERVIEW WITH THE KOREAN COWBOY

I would like to invite Mr. Cowboy to participate in a filmed interview where we return to the scene of the crime and gain insight from the man himself as to what really took place that night.  This should be both beneficial to KC as well as the fact checking department here at Beasthammer, LLC.  Friends if you would like to see this video posted please take a second to vote on the left side of this page.

Front Porch Chillin'

Just when I thought I had heard of everything and all the embarrassing stories have dried up, one of my friends totally bails me out by doing something completely irresponsible.  This story is from about a week ago involving my friend... let's refer to him as "The Korean Cowboy," or KC from now on in an somewhat weak ass attempt to protect his identity.

For KC this was just another typical night out on the town getting absolutely annihilated to the point where you don't know whether to tie him to a tree so he can't hurt himself or pretend you're calling him a cab but summon the local police instead.   I guess on this night neither of those two options were available and somehow he made it back to his house.  While standing on the front porch about to put his key into the lock he suddenly is struck with a great idea... things are about to get epic.  Instead of letting himself into his house he decides to walk over to the corner of the porch, pull his pants down around his ankles and begins to serve the wood planks a delicious "Carolina Hot Plate."  He finishes his business, pulls up his pants and goes inside to call it a night.  No harm no foul right?

Not exactly.  He wakes up the next morning and walks out the front door to get the newspaper, feel the sunshine or whatever it is drunk guys do the next morning only to find that someone had spilled a giant bowl of chocolate pudding on his front porch.  Puzzled, KC investigates the crime scene further and that's when he see's it... the culprit has left a piece of evidence immersed in the pool of pudding... it was a wallet! Case closed, Book 'em Dano! But wait, this wallet looks familiar.... KC carefully opens the soiled wallet and is hit hard by the truth... it was HIS wallet, it must have fallen out of his jeans when he pulled them down and it was in fact, covered in his own $hit.  Keep the stories coming Mr. Cowboy!

Coffee Table Book

Folks, I'm in the middle of crafting one of the greatest pieces of American literature since The Great Gatsby.  This book will no doubt be given out as wedding and housewarming gifts for many years to come.  This is the front and back cover, stay tuned for an upcoming release date and book signing venues.

Donations Welcome

Yesterday my friend sent me the following email.  He asked that I keep his name anonymous but gave me the green light to share with all of you.  

Dear Mr. Hammer,

Many of my friends know that my wife and I are desperately trying to conceive a lil mini me.  We started out making the kind of feverish love that you would see on animal planet.  But after a few months of not delivering the package to it's final destination, our resolve has begun to dissipate to the point that just the other day my wife uttered the words to me that I had been dreading. . . (Read this in slow mo) "seeeeeemeeeeeen sammmmmpllllllleeeee. . .". Instant puke.  The thought of delivering my boys into a cup at a dr's office made my weiner instantly draw back up into my tummy. . . I know what you're thinking, further into my tummy.

Anyway, to get to the real point here.  I find out that I get to go through with this process at home and I'm instantly relieved.  So the morning arrives and I'm stoked because I get to "hand"le my business.  I'll skip those details only to say that who knew how exciting dropping a load in a cup could be?

So, I'm driving to the dr's office with my man yogurt in a cup, sitting on the cup as gently and warmly as a mother hen protecting her egg.  I get to the front desk and this woman that could only be described as viking-ish, I mean long braided pony tail and built like a f-ing line backer with child in tow bursts through the front desk line to proclaim, "I have to drop off. . . Er- something in a hurry. . .". The lady directs her to have a seat in the waiting area and they will be with her shortly.  Meanwhile, I'm standing there looking like a fool with my spooge in a cup.  So viking woman proceeds to pace in front of the lab door back and forth like a tiger at the circus.  When the nurse pops out whose name does she call?  You guessed it, yours truly.  I put down my parenting magazine and make my way to the door only to be boxed out by this white shaquille o'neal look a like who the nurse awkwardly ushers in the door in front of me.  Shaq then proceeds to announce that, she "has a sample for the lab. . .it's her husband. . . He has a sample. . . Uhhhh".  The nurse rolls her eyes and you could read her mind as she and I were probably thinking the same thing, "wtf, who is so lame as to have their wife drop off their load for a semen analysis, instead of just going themselves. . . You just turned something that's already embarassing into something Lame and embarassing.

The nurse says, "hold on".  Looks at me and says I'll take that now.  I could have thought of a million jokes about taking my load, but I kept it classy.  I handed her the cup awkwardly but confidently and simply uttered I'm sorry and out the door I went!  Mr. Hammer I knew you would enjoy this story.  Have a great gay. . . I mean day!

Crabtree Tavern Response

This just came in... and all I have to say is whatever happens to this guy up at Crabtree Tavern is on Randy's hands not Danny's.

Crabtree Tavern

The other day my friend Randy sent me a complaint about a sports bar called Crabtree Tavern in Raleigh.  He said there is never any hot girls there, only guy bartenders and some nerd waiter who only talks about Fantasy Football instead of doing his job.  These are all reasons Randy had to stay home and watch Playoff Football last weekend instead of on the big screens at a nice sports bar.  He put Danny on the case... and Danny never disappoints?

Sometimes It's the Little Things

I just overheard my boss use the phrase, "Off into the wild blue yonder."  I'm sorry, I didn't see your horse parked outside ma'am {as I remove my 5 gallon hat and duster}.  I believe the way it was used was, "Sometimes I think when I send you an email it just goes OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER."

She has True Grit...

FUD (Female Urination Device)

Yesterday my friend Justin sent me a link to a groundbreaking product for women called the Go-Girl, www.go-girl.com/ .  This device is so revolutionary that it is finally going to level the playing field for men and women and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Ladies... prepare to pee standing up!

Never again will you have to squat in front of chauvinistic males while they point and laugh at the way you relieve yourself.  Those men with their fresh knees from all that standing and peeing... it's just not fair.  Lets face it ladies, we need you to keep those knees in good working condition for those "other duties" we deem important that may "arise."

Girls, I know what your gonna say... "But Mr. Beasthammer you have no idea what it's like to be a woman and have to squat when you pee outdoors."  I say, you're right! I don't know what it's like to be a woman because I'm a man.  I like being a man... and I'm damn good at it.  However, I see your point.  I embrace those rare opportunities when I'm able to take a leak outdoors like the good lord intended it.  It makes me feel free.  There's no aiming necessary unless of course it is for an insect or target practice on random leaves.  There's no toilet seats to wipe down because your wife "thinks it's gross to sit on my stale urine" when it's her turn to use the bathroom.  Best of all, when you're really lucky and a slight easterly wind comes through and blesses you with a brief kiss on your junk-pile in such a way that it gives you goosebumps... it reminds you that everything is going to be OKAY.

I can also see where the Go-Girl is going to have other applications besides just being used for the outdoors.  In today's global economy the rise of "power hungry" women is escalating quickly. Nothing is going to help you break through that glass ceiling faster than having the ability to pee while standing up.  As men we know that most important business deals don't reach an agreement around the long board room table like they do in the movies.  These deals are sealed afterwards in the Men's Bathroom.  You follow Mr. Takahashi, the Sr. Director of Sony's Southeast Division into the bathroom and over to the urinals.  You take a stance directly next to him, place one hand flat against the wall and your other on your hip.  When you've completed 15% of your urination you turn your head to Mr. Takahashi, make eye contact and deliver you final pitch.  Be sure to maintain eye contact the whole time. This shows him you have confidence as well as unbelievable restraint not to look down at his business and see if what they say about Asians is true or not. When finished zip up, step back from the urinal and shake hands... do not wash them first (tip: guys never wash their hands after we pee, if anything we walk over to the counter and turn the water on performing a mock hand wash while we check our hair or tie knot).

In conclusion, Beasthammer strongly endorses the Go-Girl as well as woman's fight for equality.  If any women would like to give their feedback after using this product I think our readers would be very interested in hearing your story.

Don't Be Shy

Come on now boys and girls there has to be some business or company out there that has done you an injustice or perhaps you have a sh*tty neighbor that needs a good talkin' to.  Nothing makes Danny Copeland happier than being able to verbally assault people on your behalf.  Comment below outlining who Danny can write a letter to and why.

Gerber Follow Up

I received this reply from the Customer Service Department at Gerber.  John Boy please leave the information she is requesting so we can get this situation resolved.

My First Customer

A few days ago I posted a blog about writing angry business letters and requested that if anyone or any company has wronged you to let me know and I would send Danny Copeland on the case.  A received this request from John Boy:

"I've got one for you Mr. Hammer. I have an exceptionally nice pocket knife manufactured by Gerber. It has been very useful to me but after about 6 months of having it the clip came loose. It is pretty sorry engineering the way they designed it because it is only attached by 3 tiny screws that can only be tightened by an allen wrench of a size that cannot be found anywhere outside of the Gerber factory (about the size of a flea's ball hair). I sent my first one back to the company and they happily sent me a brand spankin' new one, in the box. Sweet deal because this is not a cheap blade. Well, about 5-6 months later the exact same thing happened again. Now, it was quite a hassle typing a letter and getting to the P.O. to send off the first one. Not to mention the cost of shipping and insuring the thing. I really don't want to go through the trouble again but I want a functionable knife. I wear it clipped on my back pocket so it has to have an adequate clip. Please have Danny reprimand them with the strong tongue that we all know he possesses. Below is an email address to send it to and link to said blade."

http://www.gerberstore.com/index.php?xpage=itempage&xid=1021

sales@gerberblades.com

Here is the letter that Danny sent to the Gerber Company...Angry Letter To Gerber

A Real American Hero

My friend Randy, who I have previously referred to as the Godfather of the Southeastern wave of Four Loko consumption, has once again raised the 'effin bar and continues to set the tone.  Driven by panic and fear due to the recent threats of Four Loko being pulled from the shelves, Randy was able to do a couple favors for a local convenient store owner (meaning HJ's and Buttsex) and was compensated with a giant case of Four Loko.  The pictures below depict just how dedicated to the cause Randy has become.  We need more soldiers like you out there in the field fighting the good fight. 

I especially like the fifth of Smirnoff tucked back in the corner being dwarfed by the almighty Four Loko.  I'm sure he will need that to chase down each sip of the watermelon flavored elixir. 

Angry Business Letters from Danny Copeland

Today I will begin accepting request from my readers to construct angry, yet tasteful, business letters directed at either a company or person that has wronged you in some sort of way.  I will have my alias Danny Copeland write the letters and your identity will be kept anonymous. Below is an example of a previous letter. If you would like to have Danny Copeland make someone feel like a complete jackass please leave a comment below outlining your request and appropriate contact info.

Example of Angry Business Letter

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny introduces his class to their new P.E. Teacher...

Kenny Powers: And please, please, please don’t let the fact that Ms. Carol is a lesbian put you off to her. You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians? There’s the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are hot, and then there’s the mean kind? Well, Ms. Carol is neither of those.

Beiber Fever

I've mentioned the great Justin Beiber on here a couple of times but only as a comparison to how awesome something is.  This might be taking it a little far though? My God that is an exceptional head of hair... the way it waves around the side of his head all the way from the back is simply remarkable.

Plan B

The other day I have to make a last minute trip up to the local pharmacy to pick up some "Plan B" emergency contraceptive for my wife.  I normally leave that kind of shopping up to the wife but lets face it... it was time for me to step up.  I definitely don't need any little snot machines crawling around my house slobbering all over my Playstation or knocking over my beer cans.  Plan B it is... I  make that uncomfortable walk to the pharmacy counter and rapidly but quietly eject the words "Plan B" out of mouth while awkwardly avoiding eye contact.  "No problem," he says and walks in the back.  By the time he returned I had already reached into my wallet and pulled out a crisp $20 bill and was soooo ready to complete this transaction.  He scans the box and says, "Thatta be $44.89 please."  It took a second for this to register, I was certain this wasn't going to cost over $13.  The rest of our transaction went something like this...

Beasthammer:  "Forty-Four dollars?! Hot damn son, that some expensive sh*t."
Pharmacist:  "Yep, this stuff isn't cheap."
Beasthammer:  "No kidding! What comes in the box, a new uterus?"
Pharmacist:  "[giggle] Maybe you ought to stick to 'Plan A' from now on."
Beasthammer:  "Ok?"

I paid and that was that but I am still not quite sure what he meant by Plan A... I mean, that could be any number of things.  Your comments are welcome.  

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I’m going to be signing a personalized head shot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask, is that you have your name prepared. Because I don’t wanna have to ask the same question 30 f*cking times.

Hoarders

The time is now sheeple... we must all come together, put aside our differences and unite.  As individuals we cannot accomplish what needs to be accomplished but as a team we can do the undreamable.  As one of my hero's Kenny Powers once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in c*nts so stop acting like little c*nts" and stockpile as much Four Loko as you can fit in your house.  Maybe even bury some in the ground.

The government is waging a war against young, smart and unbelievably attractive people such as yourself to stop you from being a consumer of Four Loko.  They want to tell me I can't get blackout drunk on Four Loko and piss myself but I'm allowed to buy a handle of tequila, pound it and expose myself in front of an elementary school lunch line. Hardly makes sense if you ask me.  4 or 5 states have already banned this drink and my guess is the rest will follow, except for maybe North Dakota and South Carolina, because... what else have they got, really? As your financial adviser and role model, I suggest that immediately following the reading of this article you invest heavily in Four Loko's publicly traded stock.  Ride the wave all the way to the bank baby because people are going to be buying this stuff up with the same reckless abandon as Justin Bieber CD's and wigs.

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

Kenny Powers: I have been blessed with many things in this life – an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

Meaningless Texts

My friend Josh is a huge Dr. Dre fan and from time to time I like to direct a derogatory comment about Dr. Dre in his direction to see if I can fire him up.  Yesterday I was having a little down time so I decided to text him and see if he was up for a debate.  Yesterday's Match-up... Dr. Dre vs. Young Jeezy (I don't even like Young Jeezy that much by the way):

BeastHammer:  Young Jeezy would slay Doc Dre's buttpiece... Lyrically. He's a proletariat?
Josh:    Poet? And Doc Dre has people writing his lyrics because he's a boss... Grow up.
BeastHammer:  Jeezy is a trap-star.  Or trapster as you white people like to call it.  Dre is weak sauce and gay.
Josh:  Jeezy is like 90, riding anybody's d*ck he can to get a piece of the fame.  I'm sure he's hollerin at Dre trying to suck dat big ole black snake into submission.
BeastHammer:  The Snowman don't suck d*cks. He has people suck d*cks for him.
Josh:  What f*cking rapper calls himself the "snowman"? That sh*t just sounds soft as f*ck.  He should just call himself Marshmellow.
BeastHammer:  That's what I named my c*ck.  Jeezy is transcending the game.  Dre just does popcorn commercials.
Josh:  I thought you called your c*ck "chocolate thunder" cause its covered wit that doo doo baby! Anyways I'm over Dre it's Eminem nowadays.
BeastHammer:  Some fan you are.  I've stuck with Dre through the good and the bad.  We don't need fair weather fans like you anyways.
Josh:  F***************ccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk u
BeastHammer:  I will carry the flame
Josh:  You are the flame-r

Kenny Powers Quote of the Day

 Life's lessons by Kenny Powers

Kenny Powers: "A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument."

Silent but Deadly

This past Monday night I was over at my friend Brent's house watching some football.  After a little while his Dad comes into the room and we all just sitting around bullsh*ting as usual when something must have sparked his Dad's memory prompting him to tell us an incredible tale. 

So the story goes that when he was a little bit younger him and some buddies were out camping, not because they are outdoors-men but because they wanted to get hammered drunk where there would be no witnesses and no rules.  I can only imagine the amount of Schlitz Malt Liquor and moonshine that was consumed that night.  The next morning Brent's Dad and a couple of them wake up feeling hungover and sick to their stomachs.  This is the point of the story where Brent's dad was faced with a crucial decision... does he go into the woods next to a tree and let nature take it's course or does he go over to his friend's tent while he is still sleeping, quietly unzip it and release some of the most deadliest flatulence ever recorded in history?  He wisely chooses option 2.  When finished, he zipped the tent door back up and him and his buddies stood there and waited for the show.

Minutes later they hear some rustling in the tent followed by the door trying to be unzipped with the kind of panic one only experiences during a gang rape.  Once he is finally free from the tent he hits the ground on his hands and knees and proceeds to vomit... over and over again... all while Brent's Dad and friends laughed their asses off.  I say, WELL DONE SIR.

Good Quote from The Departed

 ~ Alec Baldwin

"Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you're not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think, "At least somebody can stand the son of a bitch." Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work."

The Day Stick

As a high school summer job a couple of my friends and I worked for a swimming pool company and cleaned pools.  Also working there were a couple of middle aged guys that did all the maintenance repairs on the pumps and equipment.  You could just tell these two guys were lifers and they would always tell themselves little fairy tales of how they were going to become famous inventors and live the American dream.  They never really shared any of their inventions with us (probably because they thought we would steal their ideas) but there is one invention that I do remember hearing about...

DRUM ROLL...

THE DAY STICK.  The "day stick" was a device that was going to revolutionize the law enforcement industry.  This was going to be the greatest thing since the handcuff.  This idea they came up with based around one simple principle. It was going to be the opposite of the night stick.  Since a night stick was black, it was supposed to be used at night to camouflage with the dark night sky.  The day stick would be clear and it would be used... yep, you guessed it... during the day.  The unsuspecting criminals would never see it coming.  The cops could bludgeon people with stealth and precision thanks to this groundbreaking device.

This is a true story.  I can't make this stuff up.  The last I heard they were still trying to get their idea patented and still fixing pools.  Retarded.  

Lil' Wayne Quote of the Day

You catch my gal legs open betta smash that.
Don't be surprised if she ask where the cash at.
I see she wearing them jeans that show her butt crack.
My girls can't wear that. Why? That's where my stash at.
I put my mack down, that's where you lack at.
She needs her candle lit and I'ma wax that.